Many times, I’m aloof to what goes on with people until I finally catch on. In the past, this would have been a reason it took me so long to figure out I was around a narcissistic individual. I’d miss all the social cues of the person’s dislike of me. Despite my discerning something might be off, I wouldn’t think the obvious but would instead give the benefit of doubt.
Yet, on the other hand, I have a tendency to also play dumb. I often do know what’s up with a person when their behavior is narcissistic, but instead of bowing and playing to their games with me, I take a different route and choose to play dumb while hiding my smarts. My smarts are revealed at the most interesting times so that the person in question either knows I’m onto them or realizes I’m not afraid to stand my ground.
Let’s say a person insults me. Usually the insults are said underneath a person’s breath so that I can hear it and no one else, but instead of reacting, I’ll ask the person to repeat themselves so that others can hear what I heard. Either the person repeats themselves or totally changes what they said to me. When I do this enough with that particular person, they usually leave me alone and say nothing else to me.
For the most part, playing dumb is sometimes the smartest and safest move when dealing with narcissistic individuals. It’s easier not to entangle oneself in narcissistic games for several reasons. Mainly, I avoid conflict, deflect attention, gain insight, reduce threats, maintain control, and conserve my energy. It’s not always easy for me not to want to respond in kind, but I know that playing dumb often buys me the time I need to change the outcome of irritating situation.
In terms of playing dumb, I think of current coworkers. Some of them who have more narcissistic traits than others seek conflict and drama in an effort to feel powerful and in control of others. They thrive on attention and validation and look to make me or someone else their target by trying to manipulate and criticize. When I play dumb, I gain more information from their game plan as well as more insight into their personalities. I use this information and insight to defend myself.
Instead of being confrontational or appearing more knowledgeable than them, I silently take in their strategies to protect myself against their threats and keep interactions with them more manageable. In this way, I keep my peace while they try to figure out why I’m not as bothered as they’d like me to be. In the same way, I also take the time to figure out their motives, and once I understand what motivates them to come against me, I take that power over me away from them.
In fact, playing dumb helps me to maintain control of the narrative narcissistic individual’s wish to take away from me, and I maintain control over the pace of my interactions with them. Doing so also helps me steer interactions with them in a way that minimizes my stress and keeps me safe. Because dealing with narcissistic individuals can be so emotionally and mentally draining, playing dumb helps me to avoid unnecessary debates or power struggles with them.
I always know when a narcissistic coworker wants a power struggle with me. I can usually feel their energy or sense that something is off with them. Their behavior towards me will be of anger and resentment. Sometimes, they just want a different angle from which to attack me since a previous strategy from a different vantage point did not work. They clearly don’t give up because they always want to humble me and have the upper hand over me. Yet, I stay silent, react with aloofness, and always have them repeat themselves, like, “What? I didn’t hear you. Would you repeat that?”
Sometimes I’m not always paying attention and can’t clearly see nor hear what a narcissistic person is saying to me without me being aware of their inflections. (*I actually can’t see what they are saying from a few feet because I often don’t wear my glasses. My eyesight is horrible without them.) So, when I ask them to repeat themselves, it strips away a bit of their perceived power over me.
In the gap of silence as I wait for them to respond back to me, I can always feel the wheels turning within their eyes as if they wonder how dumb and deaf I must be that they must repeat themselves. The need for repetition leaves them so frustrated with me that they will leave me alone, but they often will not react in frustration because they don’t want others to see that they’ve lost control.
Playing dumb does have it’s advantages when dealing with narcissistic individuals. In fact, I’d say its a very smart move. In summary, playing dumb can be a strategic way to navigate interactions with narcissistic individuals, helping you stay safe and maintain your well-being.
My Voice Unchained 