Phone Etiquette

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I often forget that having a phone conversation with a narcissist is all about control … not my control but theirs. It doesn’t matter what a phone conversation is about or who called who first, the narc is always going to attempt to control the conversation.

Each time I talk to a narc on the phone expecting to have a civil and meaningful conversation, I don’t know why I’m even surprised when I don’t get the results I expect. A narc does not listen to hear me or understand me . Half the time, they are not listening to me at all. I can always tell.

Narcs do not exercise phone etiquette but expect me to do so. A phone conversation usually goes something like this for me no matter which one of us made the call. They talk; I listen. I talk; I still listen. They make noise, and the noise they make is so loud that I can’t even hear myself talking … and the noise can range from them eating loudly to them rustling paper or them using kitchen appliances to them playing music. One narc even vacuumed while on the phone with me and talked to me as if they knew I could hear them!

Narcs even talk to others while on the phone with me. They put me on hold to take other phone calls. If I’m put on hold, the call might drop or they might pretend to forget that I was even on hold. In fact, phone calls that I make to narcs usually drop with me frequently. I usually never get an apology unless the call really benefits them. They even claim that they can’t hear me because of some type of phone interception that only seems to happen when I’m talking but not when they are talking.

It’s always clear to me that the narc has heard almost nothing that I’ve said, but even worse is when they can’t contain their boredom in the conversation when I’m talking. It doesn’t matter if I am sharing something that I feel would require a sympathetic and listening ear. A couple of sighs, yawns, and overall monotone attitudes of disdain for what I have to say is what I can usually expect to receive in return from them when I talk. When they talk, it’s a different story. I cannot live up to the same expectations they choose to give me. I’m not rude.

If I am really excited to share news with them, and they haven’t begun their underhanded shade of put-downs or minimizing my overall excitement, then they are sure to interrupt me and over talk me. They simply cannot allow for my excitement during the conversation. When I think about it, a narc can’t seem to tolerate any emotion that has to do with me directly … even if I’m upset. I can never be the focus of any conversation even if I call to talk about me, my problems, or my life. Was I really expecting a listening ear?

There have even been times where it should have been obvious that I was either too sick or too tired to have a lengthy conversation with them when they called, but they don’t get the cues. They’ll make every attempt to keep me on the phone. They have no empathy for my needs but expect a different outcome when it comes to their needs. They set limits and expect adherence to them. I set limits and wonder why I had such audacity.

I have even been blamed for keeping them on the phone past their bedtime when they were the ones doing all the talking despite my voicing the time. I have also dozed off in conversations only to awaken to hear that they obviously didn’t notice how tired I must be, but if they did the same thing I’m on the other end of the phone shouting for them to wake up before I eventually hang up. If I do hang up, I do get a callback. They have to control everything!

A narc does not respect another person’s time. A narc will call me right before they know that I have an appointment. What is being late to them? I’ve been called when they know that I was working on a project, completing a task, or meeting a deadline. Even if I tell them that I am unable to talk, there’s always an insistence that they’ll make it quick. Yeah right! To a narc, there’s no such thing as making it quick unless I called them first. Then they are abruptly ending the conversation. An abrupt end to a conversation also happens when a narc is not getting the response they want from me or their attempts to change the conversation are not going their way.

Narcs simply do not have phone etiquette. They know what etiquette is; they just choose not to use it with me. They only use phone etiquette when it benefits them or if they suspect I’ve had enough of what I see as their blatant disrespect. If I use the same tactics of rudeness they use with me, then they immediately become offended by my behavior. I often find this hilarious simply because they don’t want what they do to be done to them. I’ll never forget being on a walk by myself when a narc called me. Because of the background noise the narc heard while we were on the phone, the narc became agitated and threatened to hang up because the narc thought I was having conversation with somebody else while I was on the phone with them. I was shocked because there was nobody else around me. It was the wind blowing! Like for real?

For me, there have been no clear-cut solutions to improving phone etiquette. In fact, improvement shouldn’t be expected since the narc is unlikely to change their behavior. I’ve either “played their phone games” as a way to give them a taste of their own medicine or I’ve limited myself to the amount of time that I’m on the phone with them. There’s always the option of just texting them. If they call, I don’t pick up, but instead immediately text them back. If the narc responds, we’ll either text back and forth or the conversation the narc wanted to have with me ends.

One thing that I found that makes a narc take notice and change up is when I stop calling them altogether. I just go no contact. Since the narc needs their dose of narcissistic supply, they often fall in line with the expected phone etiquette when their narc supply is low, but that never really lasts long. So if they are a person you can drop for good, then going no contact completely will severe ties with them and their rude behavior. However, when dealing with a narc, there are always narc repercussions. Yet, by that point, I’ve already decided to severe ties with them for good. Then I also block them from ever contacting me again.