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Back when I didn’t study narcissism so indepthly, I didn’t have a clue as to why I found myself constantly dealing with narcissistic, controlling, and manipulative people. In short description, these people are bullies. They make the lives of everyone else around them miserable. They often pack a brutal punch with their incessant crazy-making behavior. It’s an unfortunate probability being the object of a bully’s madness. Of course, now that I have been briefed in endless studying on narcissism, I get it. I’m not the only object of a narcissistic bully’s madness; anyone can be a victim of a narcissist’s crazed behavior.
This brings to mind something that happened to me at my place of work years ago where a coworker displaying several narcissistic traits showed herself to be a bully. She could be intimidating in demeanor, but I figured that was just the way she looked because I didn’t know her personally. Yet, at some point, I became the object of her hate, and yes … it was clearly hate because I know what hate feels like when directed towards me.
Nevertheless, I gained more proximity in working near her when I moved from one department to another. At first, she was friendly, and we even engaged in light conversation. However, the moment I became employee of the month, this coworker had an immediate change … a change that at first was only apparent to me. I didn’t initially think anything of it until I was affected in a way that she infringed upon my time.
As employee of the month, I gained access to a coveted parking space. Everybody wanted it because it meant closer access to the front entrance. I was happy to enjoy this privilege for a month since it meant that I didn’t have to drive around the parking lot to find a good spot. I had not heard anyone complain before that this prized parking space had given them any trouble. So I was shocked when I began having problems. After a few days of enjoying my spot, enjoyment turned to frustration.
One day, soon after my prized parking spot had been awarded to me, I walked out at the end of my shift to find a red vehicle parked directly behind me – blocking me in – so that I could not get out. It was strange because the car was literally a few inches from hitting my bumper. I was unable to leave, and no one seemed to know who the car belonged to so that the person could be directly paged to move their car. After 15 minutes, the owner of the vehicle finally walked out of the building. It was the coworker who I’d come to know hated me. She walked into my direction laughing and talking alongside of another coworker.
When she approached me, she smiled and said “waiting for me?” I smiled and said “yes, for 15 minutes because I need to leave, but can’t because I’m blocked in.” She made an excuse that she was late that morning, couldn’t find a parking space, and quickly parked behind me with plans of moving her car during lunchtime. Of course, moving the car never happened though. Nevertheless, I accepted her apology and thought her excuse at the time seemed plausible. To me, that was the end of it because a person using common courtesy and common sense would know that blocking someone is neither courteous nor the right thing to do.
There are two lessons to be learned here. First, not all people use common courtesy. Second, not all people use common sense. I’d find that this coworker didn’t use common courtesy because she just wasn’t a nice person, and she didn’t use common sense on purpose. She purposefully parked behind me almost everyday for approximately two weeks. Each day a call was made for her to move her car, and each day that call was made, I had to wait for her to come out of the building which took anywhere from 15 to 20 minutes. So, even when my shift ended, my time at work didn’t end because I had to wait in the parking lot for her to move her car so that I could leave.
I soon realized that she was not only purposefully blocking me in, but she took joy in doing so because she was able inflict some measure of misery upon me for having been awarded the spot in the first place. She was both controlling and manipulative, and she lacked the empathy to care about how her actions were affecting me. Despite my appeals to my superiors to handle the situation, they seemed powerless to help. For the most part the superiors did talk to her, and the building officer made jokes about giving her a ticket, but for whatever reason, it appeared to me that they all made light of her behavior. They didn’t seem to take the situation seriously even though I was being negatively affected by situation. However, this coworker was also very intimidating. No one in any department wanted to approach her, and if anyone did, that person wanted to remain on good terms with her.
After dealing with this stressful situation halfway through the month, I realized that she controlled several aspects of the situation. She controlled the parking space. She controlled my time. She controlled my enjoyment of the space for the month. Basically, she controlled my entire day because I spent most of my work day feeling bothered about how her behavior was affecting me. When I came to the conclusion that she controlled several aspects of the situation, it didn’t take long for me to gather the courage to confront her. I knew she was not going to stop unless she was confronted even though her intimidating demeanor was a confrontation-deterrent.
Yet, one thing is certain about me. When I have reached my breaking point, I have reached my limit regarding what will I tolerate from anyone. I might have to think about and practice how I’m going to confront someone, and I might tremble in the process of doing so, but I will confront … and confront my coworker I did! Now before I confronted her, I did appeal to my superiors one last time. Again, my superiors talked to her about how her behavior affected me. They also advised her to find an actual parking spot. In response, my coworker gave our superiors the necessary assurance that her car would be moved prior to my leaving for the day and that she’d find the appropriate place to park.
Well, I definitely had peace as I walked out of the building knowing that the issue was finally settled, but NO!!!! When I walked out to my car, I was not only seeing a red car blocking me in, I was also seeing and feeling red anger take over my body. This was anger that could no longer be contained. I recall feeling the need to calm down because I felt so much anger, but I was now past the point of being able to self-soothe. Instead, I went back into the building and straight to one of my superiors and inquired as to why this coworker’s car was still blocking me. The response was an incredulous look. My superior then suggested that I use conflict resolution skills to set up a meeting with my coworker to discuss the matter. A meeting?!! It was the end of the work day! I was done with discussions. I walked straight to my coworker’s department.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to make a public scene because there was only one other person with her. I told her that I needed to leave at that moment … that she was making me late for an appointment [a lie to appease to her] … that I needed her to move her car. Her response took me aback. She had an attitude. She told me that she was not ready to leave and as with the past days, I would have to wait. At that very moment I realized that she had definitely concocted this plan of control and manipulation over me the very moment I was awarded the parking space. She had decided to pack a punch that would destroy my will and desire to park in a space that I was awarded for the month. She had seemingly decided that if she couldn’t enjoy the space, then I shouldn’t enjoy it either.
In that moment as I stood before her, her body language of entitlement, her smirk of resistance, and her look of disdain for me expressed to me all that I needed to know. In the past, I actually waited on her for 15 to 20 minutes before she would grace the parking lot with her presence to move her car. I took it all in jest even though I was highly annoyed by her disrespectful behavior. Yet, at this moment while standing in front of her, I repeated back to her “So you’re making me wait” to which she replied “Looks like it” to which I said “Okay”.
It was then that I had decided to become the narcissist’s narcissist and mirror back what she projected onto me. This wasn’t a tactic I had learned from anyone or a tactic that I even knew was a tactic. It was simply me attempting to find resolution to a problem. Yet, I knew I had stepped into the boxing ring, and I was ready for a boxing match. I was ready to pack a punch. I was so done with her, and I no longer wanted to be under her control or play her games of manipulation.
Furthermore, I was angry about having to make excuses as to why I needed to leave on time everyday. My working day was done. What sense did that even make? Why would I ask for permission to leave from a job that had established the time I could leave? I was being held over by a coworker that had made the choice to project whatever her issues were onto me. I could either take what she dished out to me and be miserable in the process, or I could fight back. I chose what some wouldn’t recommend with a narcissist: I fought back. I confronted her and took back my power over the situation. I called for a towing company to tow her car!
By the time she came walking out to see a tow truck man connecting her car to the tow truck, she was livid. She walked over and went into hysterics – claiming how I wasn’t being patient. An officer of security for the company [who’d not done anything to settle the issue before] was present as well and talked to both of us. I expressed how her blocking me in was a daily occurrence since I had been awarded the spot for the month. I detailed that each day for almost two weeks I had not been able to enjoy the spot because she always parked behind me – blocking me in. I couldn’t even leave on time because of her. She claimed through a strained voice with no tears in her eyes that she was always running late for work and couldn’t find a parking spot. The officer told her that if he came through the lot and saw her car blocking me in that he would give her a company ticket. For that moment the issue seemed settled, but I knew I’d started a war even though she’d come out just in time to keep her car from being towed.
The very next day prior to my lunch she confronted me in my department. Believe me when I say her demeanor was quite intimidating. Her confrontational behavior was meant to incite a scene. She led many to believe that she was the victim because I was going to have her car towed when all I had to do was wait for her to come move it. When she was done with her tirade, everyone watching was waiting for my response. Despite my dislike of being put on display in a public way, I calmly responded to her in the most professional way possible. I told her that I would have a tow truck moving her car everyday that her car blocked me from leaving the space. I told her that there was nothing logical about blocking someone into a space no matter how late one is and that if everyone else could find a parking space, her finding one shouldn’t be a problem either, “but do you, and just know that I’m going to do me”. Then I turned away from her to get back to my things together for lunch (while trembling on the inside). I heard someone yell out “I know that’s right”, and the silence was broken. The coworker turned and walked away.
By the end of the day, imagine my surprise and delight when I walked out to the parking lot to see that her car was nowhere around my car. Her car was nowhere near my car the day after either. In fact, I was able to enjoy the rest of the month without any parking issues. Some of the coworkers in my department would come to me and tell me that they were proud of me for standing up to a known bully. I just know that I had reached my limit with her level of control and manipulation. From that point on, this coworker left me alone. She gave me glaring looks, but she never spoke to me again. Plus, the coveted parking space reward lost its spark and was traded for a different reward for each month.
My Voice Unchained 