This a preview for future studies on how life with a narcissist impacted my life in major ways. Meet my parents!
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How It All Started
There’s a beginning to everything, and so it was with me. My first experiences with narcissism came through my family’s bloodline. I was born to two people that had been married for a year prior to my birth. It was either by some twist of fate that my parents came together or it was a crafted plan from the beginning. My hunch has always been the latter. As has been my experience, a narcissist tends to seek out their prey. Before the first meeting with the intended prey, a narcissist has already spent time studying their prey by gathering information from others. By the time a narcissist meets their prey, the prey has already become a narcissist’s victim.
From an early age, I was keenly aware that my parents were not a happily married couple. Silence in the home was often pierced by loud, expressively heightened voices. My parents argued a lot. My first recall of an argument was when I should have been too young to remember the details. Although I don’t recall many of the topics of their arguments, I do recall learning to self-soothe. I spent a lot of time alone either in my crib or on a bed. I was quite an observant child, and I absorbed everything around me using all of my senses. I didn’t realize how valuable the traits of observance and absorption would become as I grew older, but for the most part, these traits were my superpowers.
Anyway, life with my parents was very chaotic and even violent on occasion. There was a dichotomy of different worlds existing within one. For years I remained confused about the family dynamics although very conscious of the power struggle that existed between my parents. I didn’t realize what was going on until I began to research about the dynamics of mental health disorders, personality disorders, and abuse. Despite my knowing that something gravely sinister existed within my homelife, I was totally unaware of the unholy hell that unfold over the course of my life.
The parent that I thought was the narcissist of the family was not a narcissist at all even though this parent ruled the household with an ironfist and exhibited a lot of narcissistic traits. The actual narcissistic parent was stealthily covert in all operations within the house unless the other parent was not present to see the destruction and power wielded before my eyes. With this actual narcissist for a parent, I would spend my younger years attempting to win over their acceptance, love, and parental intimacy. Unfortunately, I would instead receive their narcissistic discard, apathy, and disengagement. This parent would become the person I would spend my present years needing to create such strong boundaries with that I would eventually decided that limiting contact was my only solution for peace.
In retrospect, my parents provided the template for my early experiences with narcissism. They would also assist me in learning about mental health disorders, personality disorders, and a host of other patterns of destruction that I would need to unlearn in order to become a healthier person. Although I do not wish to paint a horrible picture to two imperfect people in an imperfect world, I need to illustrate an honest assessment of how my relationship with my parents molded me into who I am today and how my relationship with them has affected every area of my life. In order for me to do this, I need to be honest and candid.
In the next post, I will describe the elements of two case studies as one. In this case study I will describe the impact of narcissism in my life as it relates to my experiences with my parents when I was growing up. My decision to bring my parents together in one case study is because for most of my young life I viewed my parents as one unit. So when I experienced crazy-making behaviors, for the longest time, it was hard for me to connect with who the narcissist actually was because of the dynamic power struggle between my parents. Plus, I wanted to explain how their behaviors together affected the home atmosphere and how overt narcissistic behavior traits displayed by one of my parents was actually a mirror and projection of the true narcissistic parent who operated in a very covert way.
Stay tuned for more to come …
My Voice Unchained 