I lost a friend today. I didn’t lose a friend in the sense that we will never speak again. She moved away. She moved today. Despite knowing this moment would come for weeks, I was caught off guard and surprised by an array of emotions.
I lost a friend today because for the first time I realized that I had one. For the first time, I realized that I had a true friend. She was really a good friend to me. That clearly is a first. I’m so accustomed to narcissistic friends and their associates who are their friends first.
This may sound a bit odd, but my friend who moved away is only one of three real friends that I’ve had over my lifetime. I’ve had great mentors and people who’ve been there for me, but this friendship is and was different. It was unique.
I’ve prayed for a friend like this for years and somehow came to the conclusion that a real friend for me like this just didn’t exist. She came along at a time that I was not expecting a friend because of what I’d grown to expect, but her timing could have not been more perfect.
I had only been working in my position for a few months within a different department in my company when this friend was hired as a new addition. She would have no idea that I was struggling within my team. When she joined, I was simply praying for an ally to help me to defend myself against the craziness.
Everyday I had to deal with covert microaggressions of slights, indignities, put downs, and insults that were frequently instigated by two members of my team. One of those team members is definitely a full blown covert narcissist who just hasn’t been clinically diagnosed with the disorder. The other team member has narcissistic traits that were bearable only when she was not around the narcissist.
In time, I was reaching my limit with the daily onslaughts of cruel and overbearing office behaviors. I had no idea that my friend had just begun experiencing similar onslaughts of disrespect as well. No one was off limits for the narcissist and her crony. Yet, at the time, I was unaware of this.
It wouldn’t be long before I’d come to the end of my rope with the toxic behaviors and pure cruelty that was no less than evil coming against me. During a team meeting, I openly aired my grievances and put my team on blast. I confronted the narcissist and her crony, and the rest of the team members were my witnesses. I was prepared, as one should be with a narcissist. I backed up my words with documentation until I ran out of words to say.
My team was speechless until member after member began to share their frustrations too. My friend shared after me. She gave a testament to my defense, and I felt encouraged by her words. She’d shared in my experiences in just a short amount of time, but even still, she stood behind me through a fiercely uncomfortable confrontation. That battle for us was a win.
We were onto the narcissist and her crony and read them for their dark deeds. It was the most productive meeting I had ever had (when I consider how most meetings in the past with the narcissist and her crony occurred for an hour). My friend was there. She later expressed that she could clearly see that I was exasperated with the situation – so exasperated that I literally confronted a narcissist when that’s usually not the thing to do.
Yet, my friend was there to wade with me through the rough waters of silence that bellowed from the narcissist’s annihilating rage. My friend was there when the crony fearfully but boldly sided against the narcissist. (It wasn’t long before she went crawling back though.) My friend was there for me when I exhibited every emotion I had from dealing with such a stressful situation. In fact, it was a mutually shared experience between us since she had dealt with the narcissist too.
I realized today that I had in her the friend that I had long since prayed that I would have one day. My friend was there. She was there when I didn’t realize it. She came into my life when I least expected her but when I most needed her. My friend was there but in a way that I was not accustomed to with other so-called friends. She virtually held my hand when I resigned my position, and I virtually did the same for her.
She is the friend that I’ve never had to google for strange and unsettling behaviors. She’s the friend that I don’t have to contact for days (or vice versa) without worrying that my absence will be met with offense. She’s the friend that doesn’t intrude my personal space by asking questions that I fear will be used against me later or by prying in a way that I know will become fodder for future gossip. She’s the friend that is very much like me in that we mutually respect each other not to suffocate one another.
She’s the friend that I don’t have to worry about no matter what I say or how I say it. I have never left her presence confused or befuddled by behavior. In fact, I never have to question anything about her. She’s by far the healthiest friend I’ve ever had, and I didn’t realize it until today. She’s like a breath of clear fresh air and a drink of thirst-quenching water. She has blessed my life tremendously, and I’ve only known her for a little over a year.
The narcissistic friends and other friends with narcissistic/toxic traits have never been there for me. I’ve been their friend, but not one of them has ever been mine. Yet, with this friend, I gave, and she gave. It was a mutual exchange with mutual benefits. Friendship has been reciprocated and the reward has been knowing that my heart has been heard and I’ve been accepted for who I am. It’s quite a surprising plot twist in my life.
So I guess I feel a deeper sense of loss than what is normal. It’s not the normal loss of a narcissistic friendship. Those friendships usually provide me with relief at the end because all the while I’ve known the truth about them. With a narcissist, I grieved for a friendship that was never there from the start. So when the end of a narcissistic friendship finally comes, I am so relieved. I am glad. Not with this friend. Although I am happy for the opportunities for change and growth she will experience, I am saddened that we didn’t have enough time together. I’m saddened that our walks will be no more and our lunch dates are now memories. I’m saddened because I will sincerely miss her presence.
I lost a friend today, and it hurts.
My Voice Unchained 