Idealization is usually the first cycle of abuse particularly if you have just met the narcissist. Normally, this is the phase where (1) I am first getting to know a person that I am not yet aware who is a narcissist based on the number of narcissistic traits the person displays, or (2) I have become well acquainted with the person to know for sure he or she is a narcissist.
The idealization phase is also known as the honeymoon phase. In this phase the narcissist spends time grooming their victim by cultivating within the victim a sense of trust and commitment. The narcissist will engage the victim’s empathy to accelerate a bond between the two of them. By accelerating a bond, the narcissist seeks to gain the victim’s loyalty all while the narcissist plants seeds of fake love to increase the victim’s attachment to them.
Ultimately, the narcissist wants the victim to become emotionally dependent upon the narcissist. This way, the narcissist can secure and maintain power and control within the relationship. The more the narcissist invests in this stage to idealize the victim, the more the narcissist feels that the victim owes gratitude and obligation.
In response to being idealized, the victim will often feel special because the narcissist has chosen them. Feeling special may cause the victim to experience feelings of intense trust, love, and even sexual desire for the narcissist. In fact, the victim will even experience physiological changes such as increased levels of dopamine and serotonin (neurotransmitters that help to regulate the body’s functions regarding sleep, memory, metabolism, and emotional well being) which means the victim will experience increased levels of happiness. After all, the narcissist is idealizing the victim onto a pedestal of worship.
The narcissist goes all out in this phase especially when the relationship between the narcissist and victim is new. Basically, the idealization phase is a phase of seduction. Through seduction, the narcissist is pretending and even mirroring the victim to get what they want from them. The narcissist has even spent time studying the victim before ever having been introduced to the victim.
Once the narcissist comes into the victim’s life, the charm is poured so heavily onto the victim that the victim might feel like they are on a honeymoon. This period of time seems too good to be true. Well, it is too good to be true. The idealization phase is also the time when the narcissist will exhibit behaviors that the victim will find somewhat inappropriate and bothersome, but the victim will minimize or rationalize these somewhat inappropriate and bothersome behaviors. The victim will even rationalize that these behaviors are just a part of the newness of a relationship as two people get to know each other.
When the narcissist displays inappropriate behaviors, however, the victim will not only rationalize the inappropriateness but will also defend and make excuses for the narcissist. The display of inappropriate behaviors is also the time that the narcissist has begun testing the victim’s boundaries to see how far they can go with their inappropriate behavior. The more the narcissist is able to push past the victim’s boundaries, the more the narcissist can mold the victim into submitting to and aligning with the narcissist’s needs, preferences, and desires.
A narcissist idealizes to prepare for the next phase of devaluing the victim. I suppose the narcissist’s view is that whoever is lifted up must be brought down. When the narcissist shines their light upon their victim as a spotlight, it is only to zero in on all that the narcissist can later negatively describe about the victim. Thus, the narcissist will idealize only to devalue through coercive acts of control and manipulation.
Reference
Gaum, T. & Herring, B. (2020). The cycle of narcissistic abuse/violence.
My Voice Unchained 