After a time of being idealized by the narcissist, the next phase that a narcissist will inflict upon their victim is the devalue phase. The devalue phase is a time when narcissistic traits from the narcissist will begin to shine through. If the victim is unaware that the narcissist is indeed a narcissist, this phase is sure to bring certain aspects of narcissistic personality disorder into clarity. The mask of the narcissist will slowly begin to reveal the narcissist’s true character. That true character will not be one the victim likes, and the victim’s denial of what is occurring will not only prolong this phase of abuse, but will also prolong the amount of suffering the victim experiences.
The devalue phase usually begins after the narcissist has literally bombarded their victim with “love”, pampered their victim with displays of kind gestures, and gifted their victim with compliments. Prior to the devalue phase, the narcissist has been everything the victim could ever want in a friend or romantic partner. The narcissist is the ideal person until something changes. The narcissist changes. The victim suddenly realizes that the honeymoon is over.
During the devalue phase, the narcissist becomes increasingly critical of the victim, and everything the narcissist once liked about the victim becomes grounds for scrutiny. For instance, the victim begins to notice that the narcissist now makes subtle suggestions to the victim regarding areas for improvement for things that were not a problem for the narcissist in the beginning of the relationship. The victim will see these suggestions as the narcissist’s concerns. Some time after making these suggestions, the narcissist takes what were once compliments directed to the victim and turns them into insults or quick jabs of sarcasm directed at the victim. At first, the narcissist may pass these sarcastic comments off as jokes, but soon the victim realizes that the jokes are on them. The narcissist is serious.
The once nice and empathically perfect narcissist turns into someone that the victim feels they no longer recognize because the narcissist now shows a growing attitude of disdain for the victim. This attitude of disdain from the narcissist confuses the victim, and the victim spends time trying to understand reasons for the narcissist’s changing behavior. In addition, the narcissist will begin to isolate the victim from others so that the narcissist’s abuse tactics will be unknown to others in an effort to make it appear that the victim truly is the source of problems in the relationship. In this way, the victim has no support system and must rely on the narcissist’s narrative of their reality.
Narcissistic abuse tactics during the devalue phase include, but are not limited to, bouts of name calling, criticisms, degradations, insults, and nit-picking. At times these abuses may increase to the silent treatment, emotional withdrawal, gaslighting, intimidation, threats, and boundary violations. Still, other abuses the narcissist inflicts during the devalue phase involve controlling and/or restricting the victim’s resources and activities, inciting triangulation situations, and creating the break down of communication.
These abuses vary in degree, but the narcissist will still intertwine these abuses with affection to keep the illusion for the victim that the relationship is worth saving. After all, the narcissist does not want the victim to leave the relationship because the victim is a source of narcissistic supply (admiration and attention). The narcissist simply wants to have control over the victim while increasing other sources of narcissistic supply. In establishing an environment that causes the victim to question the illusion of the narcissist’s goodness coupled with times of nastiness, the victim will be led to believe that the nastiness is the victim’s fault. The victim might even believe that they deserve the nastiness inflicted by the narcissist.
For the most part, the devaluing phase brings about a lot of confusion for the victim. The victim wonders how the narcissist went from being a wonderful and charming person that the victim adored to being a mean-spirited devil that the victim is making all attempts to satisfy to improve the status of the relationship. It is as if the person the victim knew from the start has vanished, and the victim longs for that original person from the idealize stage to return. So, the victim tries to figure out how to salvage the relationship by repeating original behaviors the narcissists liked in order to win the narcissist back over into being the wonderful and charming person as before.
Frankly, there is nothing that the victim has done to create the devalue phase. The devalue phase is more about the narcissist. The phase may have begun over something as simple as a disagreement that the victim had with the narcissist. The narcissist perceived the victim’s disagreement as an insult. This insult is an narcissistic injury for the narcissist, and this narcissistic injury or wound induces the rage the narcissist feels against the victim. No matter how slight, when a narcissist perceives that the victim has induced an injury against the narcissist, the victim will pay by being devalued by the narcissist.
Furthermore, the devalue phase may also be a time that the narcissist perceives that the victim is not providing enough narcissistic supply that keeps the narcissist feeling admired and worshipped. A dwindling supply of adoration and worship from the victim means there is not enough supply. Not enough supply for a narcissist leads to narcissistic boredom. Boredom is why the narcissist searches for new supply. In fact, the narcissist already has a stand-in of new supply in wait that will also experience the devalue phase. It is a never-ending cycle for the narcissist, and anyone viewed as supply will always be the victim of the narcissist’s abuse.
So, while the narcissist is devaluing the victim, the narcissist is usually entertaining new supply. The new supply will be used as a baseline for what the narcissist actually prefers from the victim. Sometimes this baseline is used for triangulation tactics. The narcissist most likely wants the victim to up the supply game of adoration and worship. If the victim does not measure up with enough supply, then the narcissist will move the victim into the next phase in the narcissistic abuse cycle called discard.
Although the victim is dealing with a lot of denial in regards to the narcissist’s devaluing behaviors, there will be no denying the many emotions (sadness, frustration, embarrassment, shame, and anger, etc.) that the victim will be feeling in the devalue phase. The devalue phase is a frustrating phase to say the least. It is a phase in which the victim questions reality. It is a phase in which the victim most likely wonders if the narcissist will return to being that wonderful and charming person when love and adoration were brand new in their relationship.
Stay tuned for more on this stage with examples from my own experiences with narcissists.
My Voice Unchained 