As I mentioned in the previous post, there are presently five active narcs in my life who attempt to create dramatic occurrences. Two of the five still have me in the idealize phase where all appears well in their lives with me. As far as the devalue phase, I am currently dealing with one narc. Let’s take a look at the havoc this one brings.
The Devalue Phase
The devalue phase, for me, is by far one of the most insidious, mind-boggling, and emotionally-charged phases. It is the phase in which I often find myself battling a descent into the abyss of depression. It is the phase where I have even questioned my will to live. It is the phase of the narc takedown, and the narc takedown is the shattering of my self-confidence and all of the qualities that represent me. The devalue phase is a narc’s personal attack against my soul.
Without a doubt, the devalue phase is marked by the incessant and consistent chipping away of a person’s character, self-worth, and total being – spirit, mind, and body – by the narcissist. This phase is the epitome of destruction because this is exactly what the narcissist wants … to destroy their victim. If I ever wanted to know how much a narcissist actually hates me, all I have to do is recall the countless devaluing tactics the narcissist has personally used against me. I can also recall their often micro-expressive facial features and body movements while wielding out their afflictions of pain against me.
Narcs sincerely derive pleasure from devaluing their victims. For them, the devalue phase is another way they receive narcissistic supply. I could go into so many details of examples of how narcissists throughout my life have devalued me during this phase, but I will instead use the example of one present narc with whom I am currently experiencing this phase. I will label this narcissist as narc three (if you followed along with my previous post regarding the idealize phase with narcs one and two).
An Introduction: Narc Three
I have known Narc Three for nearly three years. We first met through the company where I formerly worked when she was introduced as a new hire. In the beginning, we were only acquaintances because we did not work within the same department area. Overtime, however, circumstances within the workplace frequently connected us, and we would have brief surface-level conversations.
For the record, any interactions requiring surface-level conversations or small talk are always excruciatingly difficult for me. I am an introvert, and I hate surface conversation or small talk. So, from the start, I was not “feeling” Narc Three at all. I never really had anything to add to our brief conversations because there was no depth of meaning to them. So, I spent more time listening to her and adding in the usual nods and platitudes to stumble through the conversation. These types of conversations always make me feel socially awkward, and because those were the only types of conversations she had with me in the beginning, I did not regard her as a potential friend.
She was persistent though. She never gave up finding time to chat with me despite my quietness. I recall her saying there was something special about me. Now, it is possible to discern what you might be thinking. So, I will go ahead and say that red flags do appear instantly when someone tells me that I am special without even knowing anything about me. The second red flag came from the fact that I was not “feeling” her to begin with, and normally, I have to sense an organic connection with a person to know that the person is safe enough to become a potential friend. Otherwise, I do not even consider friendship.
Unfortunately, I continue to override these flag warnings time and again because I have always been taught to give people a chance. Plus, I have rarely had the opportunity to connect with someone organically because I am pursued so quickly by people with narcissistic traits that I do not even have time to survey my options. It never ceases to amaze me that the people I do not feel an organic connection with are the very people who somehow push their way into my life as if we were meant to be together. These are the very people that always just happen to be in my vicinity upon first glance – hanging around me just to be close until they finally see an opportunity to walk through some invisibly open door so they can come and talk to me.
Yet, on my part, I feel absolutely nothing when it comes to connecting with narcissistic types. I feel no connection at all. In fact, the most I always feel is that “something is off” with the person, but I cannot put my finger on it. If I would only go with my first instinct and simply not engage, I would save myself a lot of trouble. But no … I take trouble to the next level. It is only in hindsight that I see these things so clearly but never while these things are actually happening to me.
Needless to say, Narc Three and I began engaging over the common bond of our jobs. Because she was a new hire, I helped her to become acclimated to the work space, the work duties, and the work culture. I did not find that we had anything else in common outside of work really because our conversations generally never had enough depth for me. I am not sure what changed, but the next thing I knew, we were phone buddies. She would call me to vent, and I would listen. Yet, at the start of our phone communications, I rarely called her because I still could not find anything on the surface that I wanted to talk about.
At some point, phone conversations increased until she invited me out for lunch dates and shopping trips. Since I saw these excursions as opportunities to destress from work, I was more than happy to hang out with her. Then at some point, I found that we had actually become “friends”. Before I realized it, we began talking on the phone almost daily. Yet, despite all of this, I still had inner reservations that something was off about her, but I just could not put my finger on it.
For one thing, I spent too much time testing the waters with her – even about the most personal things about myself that I wanted to discuss – and I did not understand the reason. This is something I find to be another red flag for me, in hindsight. I find it very difficult to share the most simplest details about my life with narcissistic people. I literally tread water bracing myself for their reactions and responses regarding what I will say. I never get the sense that they are “open” to hearing me, to knowing me, or to seeing me for who I am.
Even still, here we are. Narc Three and I are friends, but I have questioned it since day one. I find that I am frequently tired of the friendship and looking for a way out. In the same token, I wonder if she feels the same way – particularly now that we are in the devalue phase of this narcissistically-fueled relationship and the discard phase is next.
Narc Three’s Takedown
As I recall, Narc Three’s devaluing of me began fairly early in our friendship but in very covert and subtle ways. By nature, I am hyper-sensitive to narcissistic forms of abuse. I have lived on the edge of narcissistic abuse since I was a young child. So when abuse happens even in subtle ways, my narcometer (an internal barometer that alerts me to the insidious behaviors of narcissists) alerts me and an alarming sound literally goes off in my head. Psychological abuse consistently puts me on edge, and I not only react hyper-sensitively to it, I am also hyper-aware and hyper-focused on what is about to follow. It is as if I have come to understand the patterns of narcissistic abuse so well that I am aware of what is coming before it actually happens.
With this narc, the display of abuse is no different. The first sign of abuse I experienced with this narc was through subtle remarks in conversation. Since we mainly talk on the phone, the abuse comes through vocally. As she talks, I am always aware of her vocal inflections (tone, pace, pitch, and intonation of words). The awareness of how she sounds also gives me a keen indication about her facial expressions. No, we are not Facetiming. So in many ways, it is an assumption on my part about what facial expressions she may be making on the other end that I cannot see. However, I have experienced narcissistic abuse on so many varying levels and for so many years of my life, that you will have to trust me when I say I know what I am talking about. It is something that a victim of this type of abuse just knows.
Speaking of abuse tactics, her subtle remarks are not direct insults but are covert jabs, criticisms disguised as compliments, criticisms meant to be constructive with a sense of concern, and subtle suggestions for improvement regarding personal situations with a protective “sisterly” type of care. Her abusive remarks are so subtle that when I hear them, I question if I am actually being insulted. After phone calls with her, I will literally sit and think about all that was said and then realize that, “Yes, she just insulted me; she just cut me down”.
How do I currently know I am in the devalue phase with her now? I can honestly never say when I am not. I find that I am more in the devalue phase than in any other phase because of the continual types of devaluing abuses that she executes. There is a flipping back and forth between the idealize and devalue phases when it comes to her. With me, devaluing me seems to be her favorite form of abuse.
For instance, during the idealize phase with her, there are more times that she wants to get together with me to “bond”. Those are the times that she must “see” me, but she realizes that I am observant, and I detect so many nuances below the surface. I have a tendency to point things out that I see, and this is a trait of mine that annoys her because “nothing gets past me”. Otherwise, most of our times are relegated to phone conversations, and that is why I say I spend more time in the devaluing phase because phone conversations with her can be brutal. The only time they are not so bad is when she requires my assistance. It is only then that our conversations are somewhat reciprocal where we both can talk and listen to each other, but this is often a rare blessing!
Narc Three and The Phone
Right now, Narc Three’s devaluing tactics consist of the following behaviors while we are talking on the phone:
- over-talking me
- monopolizing the conversation
- running errands (too busy to talk to me but fitting me in even though she calls me)
- putting me on hold
- frequent “accidental” hang-ups or dropped calls
- having conversations with other people
- frequent interruptions
- topic changing (particularly when I am talking)
- not actually listening to me (I can always tell … yawing, sighing, noises, etc.)
- making lots of noise (rustling sounds, banging dishes, vacuuming , etc.)
- abruptly ending conversations (frequently when I talk)
- not returning phone calls for minutes or hours at a time (after cutting me off mid-sentence and telling me to hold my thought in the conversation so we can continue where I left off only to not pick up where I left off)
As far as the above list goes, the tactics are non-exhaustive as there are other examples that can be added just for the phone interactions alone. I have not even filled you in on actual conversation examples. Yet, these are the tactics Narc Three uses to control our conversations, and they frequently occurred in the very beginning of our relationship when things were new too. As time progressed in the friendship, additional tactics came into play since some of the tactics I no longer put up with anymore.
Tactics of Control
When I first had phone conversations with her at the very beginning of our friendship, her over-talking me so loudly that I could not be heard was a major problem. It was so bothersome that I thought something was wrong with her. I dreaded phone calls with her, and she always called me. I never called her because I never wanted to have to compete with her over-talking. Had she ever heard of phone etiquette?
She actually gave me the impression that she really did not know that she was behaving in this rude manner … that she was doing nothing wrong. I became so frustrated with this behavior that I decided to join in, and we literally had a shouting match a few times because I wanted to be heard too. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine. The only reason I can think as to why her behavior changed in this case was that she began to realize that she was having less access to me at work. I became less visible because of a job promotion.
Over time, she used varying other tactics, and I hate every single one of them. Other narcs use similar tactics with me on the phone too, but Narc Three surpasses them all. No one can surpass this narc in phone abuses. The one that I found absolutely crazy is when we were talking and she began vacuuming. At first, I thought maybe there was a lot of static, but she actually told me she was vacuuming her carpet. Hey! We are talking! How are either of us supposed to hear what we say to each other? Like, what is wrong with this picture?
To be honest, and call me naïve, but I thought that maybe she wasn’t wrapped too tightly and sincerely had not been taught phone manners … that is until I saw her in action with others on her personal phone. So, that is when I realized that I was being devalued. She did not value my time enough to give me a full uninterrupted phone conversation, and she did not value me enough to hear what I had to say. So now, when these tactics happen, I frequently dismiss my presence on the other end by telling her she can call me back when she is not so busy, or I tell her that will call her back. Since going this route, she now has moved into more subtle behaviors involving our actual conversations.
Devaluing Me Through Words
Narc Three’s phone behavior alone devalues me, but I soon found that her words can cut through me like the sharpest knife. The cuts are not felt instantly as I always have processing time after our conversations that enables me to realize that I have actually been cut. She is incredibly sleek when it comes to delivering insults, and those insults lay into the very fabric of who I will never become. Her method of taking me down frequently comes in subtle jabs, covert degradations disguised as comparisons, triangulations, gaslighting, and sneaky insinuations. Sometimes I will know rather quickly when she is devaluing me, but other times, I will ruminate over the conversation because something was off-base with her varying vocal inflections. There are actually times when it literally sounds like she is someone else.
Needless to say, the most current devaluing connects us by comparisons, but she is so subtle that to call her out risks making me look crazy. (She gaslights me frequently.) Since we are both around the same age with opposite circumstances, she always gives me the impression that I need to take notes from her to have the type of life she is currently living. However, I am content with myself and content with my way of living. I am single. She is married. I am childless. She is a mother. All other differences are not points of contention, and the current ones I listed would not be points of contention for me now, but the degradations that she makes in reference to me still causes me to pause and consider my plight. My feelings in those areas are frequently hurt because she seems to insinuate that I really have no life purpose at the moment.
In some conversations pertaining to the topics, she will frequently interject that I am in some way cursed with singleness and childlessness. Only when I am struggling with the sense of needing to understand my life purpose with clarity do I feel the stab of her words, and this has been the case as of late. Her putdowns are couched in terms that make it seem like she empathizes with my situation, but I know that this is simply not the case. She talks in such a callous and cold way that I hardly feel that she even cares about my feelings. Her words to me actually assist me in my teeter-tottering skills on a tight rope just above the abyss of depression. She makes me actually want to lose my balance and just jump into the abyss.
I feel that I might fall under the weight of her words because my age and her perception that my lack in the area of motherhood and marriage are measuring tools of comparison with her. I do my best to never let her “hear” me sweat though. I do not even respond to her comments. I frequently pass them off. If I really wanted to be married or have children at this point, I think that I would consider the avenues to get me there, but I am content with the life that I have now. Yet, her insinuations will sometimes cause me to doubt and question my contentment. If it were not for the fact that I thoroughly enjoy my introverted life of solitude, I might actually fall into the abyss of depression over not yet being married with children.
Surveying her tactics, I have noticed that this topic of marriage and children is constantly weaved into conversations purposefully after I have somehow given her a narcissistic injury. The fact that I stay in the devalue phase with her so frequently says that I obviously inflict her with a lot of narcissistic injuries. Narc Three is a control freak, and if her “expert advice” is not received about even the smallest suggestion, then her remedy is a stabbing conversation of jabs, insults, and innuendos.
One character trait I have that narcissists do not like to contend with is my strong-willed personality. I will fight being controlled. When I know that is what someone is attempting to do, I will fight. When I realize a narcissist is trying to manipulate me, I will fight. I will speak out when I am being pushed, and this need to fight against being controlled is viewed by every single narcissist that has ever been in my life as my worst trait. If they are unable to control me, they will inflict their most hellish wrath upon me. Even Narc Three will consistently say that “no one can tell you what to do”. What? I’m a grown woman.
So, a lot of Narc Three’s time is continually spent attempting to manipulate me into seeing things her way even if her way does not benefit me at all. For instance, just prior to the coronavirus pandemic, I discussed my ideas with her about possibly renting out my home while making plans for global travel. Because she loves the layout of my home, she mentioned how she might consider selling her home and renting from me. I thought she was joking, but in a conversation much later about it, she had already figured out rental estimates and other financial aspects for living in my house! Since we are friends, she suggested that she pay no more than a certain amount which is far less than what the going rate for rental property would actually cost in my neighborhood. How was I going to gain a profit renting out my home for exactly what I pay for mortgage? When I told her that wouldn’t work for me, she punished me with silence and an abrupt end to our conversation. She hinted around the topic again later, but I told her that I had reconsidered traveling globally because of the coronavirus spread.
Presently, she is devaluing me with phases of her induced silent treatment as well as increasingly mentioning in conversation about people with whom I had prior working relationships before I resigned from the company. Now, she discusses having relationships with some of these people and talks in a way that they are all so close, but prior to my resignation, these were people that she trash-talked for filth. I know that this is an attempt on her part to make me jealous or make me miss being with the company. Too bad for her that this triangulation tactic is not going to work with me because I can say that I have never felt so good about not working in that toxic environment. Although I connected with some of the people there, I do not miss them enough to want to reconnect. That part of my life is over!
Where To Next?
I often wish this part of my life with Narc Three would be over. Although I like her personality, and she has a lot of charm and can be fun to hang around, the majority of the time on the phone with her is a nightmare. Why am I really hanging on to this relationship? This phase has lasted for so long, I do not even know if I will even realize that she has discarded me. I must say that I have been sensing her discard attempts though. She seems to desire to spend less physical time with me because of her frequent excuses and cancellations, but I feel so relieved when these excuses and cancellations happen. I am relieved because I do not really want to be around her. Truthfully, I really wish that I was not so passive-aggressive in waiting for a discard that I actually want to happen. Instead, I wish I were strong-willed enough to simply close the door on this narcissistic “friendship”.
Stay tuned for more …
My Voice Unchained 