During the devalue phase of narcissistic abuse, narcissists use varying methods to reduce the self-worth of their victims. In this post I will describe the narcissistic abuse method called gaslighting along with examples from my life experience.
Gaslighting
If you feel like you are going crazy and that your mental stability is in question, please check your surroundings for someone displaying narcissistic traits. You are more than likely a victim of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of covert abuse in which a narcissist distorts your perception of reality. You might find that you are not only questioning your memory of events, but you are also questioning your sanity.
From personal experience, I find gaslighting to be one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse. It is manipulation and deception on a grand level. The narcissist (narc) practices this form abuse over an extended period of time to undermine their victim’s confidence in his or her abilities to distinguish the difference between reality versus an illusion; between truth versus lies; and between right versus wrong. Gaslighting is the ultimate way for the narcissist to render their victim completely dependent upon the narcissist for what is real.
The Professional Gaslighting Narcissist (PGN)
Currently, I have a narc friend (not truly a friend) who has me on her discard shelf. For months, she has sentenced me to the bottomless pit of stonewalling silence over what I can only assume is a narcissistic injury that I have inflicted against her. Of all the gaslighting, crazy-making, sadistic narcissists I can think of who use this insidiously heinous abuse tactic, this narc is number one! In hindsight, this is the narcissist of narcissistic nightmares, and I would caution anyone to stay away from this evil woman. I actually envision her right now with those glassy and emotionlessly cold eyes of hers standing back while plotting gaslighting maneuvers against her victims, disappearing when those gaslighting maneuvers happen, only to come out of shadows from hiding while pretending she has no idea about the craziness she has inflicted upon others. For this post, I will label her as the Professional Gaslighting Narcissist or PGN.
Over several years of trying to decode and solve a series of puzzling mysteries, I have finally connected the millions of puzzle pieces around one center piece: this PGN who spent an enormous amount of time making the final half of the working years of my career a living hell! I fume even now as I think about all of the craziness she incited against me without any clear reason other than the fact that I refused to be controlled by her over even the simplest of things. Nonetheless, she gaslighted me so badly and for so long, that if she just happens to stumble across this blog, I hope that she sincerely is able to recognize this story and see her own reflection here and get some serious psychological help!!!!!!!!!!! I am seriously not angry here, but I just wanted to interject this.
Gassed and Ready to Be Lit
The one gaslighting memory that sticks out to me is the case of the missing file folder. One day while working, I was making copies of several items in a file folder I had planned to use for an upcoming presentation. I needed several hundred copies of at least four documents within the file. While waiting for these items to print, I stepped out of the copier room to briefly chat with a colleague who was sitting in her cubicle. I had literally only turned my back for no more than five minutes to return to the copier room to see that not only were my copies missing, but my file folder was missing as well.
Before I left the copier room, there had been no one else in the room except me, but when I returned, there was one other person. When I asked had any papers along with a file folder been seen on the other copier machine, the person said that he had not been paying attention because he was preoccupied with using another copier in the same room. So I checked the stash table where unattended copies are usually left for pickup, and found a varying stack of my loosely assorted copies. Everything had been rearranged from the original order. My completed stack for hundreds of copies were gone with only half of the stack left behind, and my file folder with the master files was no where to be found in the room.
I was puzzled to say the least and began going back and forth from the copier machine to the stash table to check for my missing materials. I walked around the room and still could not find the additional copies that would have been a part of the stack; nor could I find my actual folder of files. So I backtracked my steps from the copier area to the cubicle of my colleague, whom I had only chatted with for less than five minutes, to see if I had taken anything with me. However, I had not taken anything with me. I asked my colleague if she had seen a folder I had possibly left behind in her work area, and she assured me that I never entered her area with anything in my hands. I was befuddled! So, retraced my steps again. Where could mile files be?
Retracing my steps began with a perimeter walk inside of the copier room covering every area of the room to look for additional papers copied along with my folder. Then I went back to my very neatly organized cubicle with a sense of frantic urgency and began diligently searching through my area and neatly organized file cabinet for my items. Had I come back to my cubicle between the time I left to make copies, chat with my colleague in her cubicle area, and then returned to the copier room?
For a directional view, my colleague’s cubicle area (the one whom I had chatted with) was located diagonally across from my area, and the room with the copier was located next to my cubicle and directly across from my colleague’s area. So we are talking about the distance of walking the perimeter of a scalene triangle! Where, oh where, did my files go in that short distance and within that short span of time?
I searched everywhere by retracing my steps in that triangular distance several times over while actually talking out loud to myself in a methodical fashion about what I had done. I probably looked crazier than I felt at that moment, but I wanted my files. Eventually, I ventured out of this small triangular area and went to ask other colleagues within their cubicles whether they had possibly and mistakenly picked up additional copies and a file folder. No one knew or saw anything. Most had not even left their cubicles. I was puzzled and desperate!
The forms within that file were my own personal creations that I had spent hours researching, creating, gathering, and compiling into one master file for quick reference and to use for future presentations. All I could think of in my search for my missing files was how much extra work I would have to do to recreate this compilation of files all over again. Where could those files be? They could not have walked away themselves! They are inanimate objects! Now, this is how my mind was operating in my search. I was talking to myself to help me find them.
After a search that yield nothing, I finally sought out the assistance of one of the janitors who helped me to look through a bin of recycled papers. For all that, though, the janitor was baffled because he had not even begun collecting trash or recycled materials from any of the work areas. The janitor advised me to talk with my supervisor so that the security cameras could be checked to see exact individuals who had gone into the copier room during the timeframe that I was present in the room. Checking the security camera had not occurred to me, but I wanted my file folders; I no longer cared about the actual copies. I went with the janitors suggest and his insinuation that someone had actually taken some of my papers and my folder.
So, I went to my supervisor who was exceptionally busy at that moment but had agreed to rewind the security tape to relieve my suspicions. During that time, he acted as if he sincerely wanted to help me find my folder of documents since he was looking forward to my upcoming presentation. As crazy as I might have appeared to him about the missing file folder of important documents, he knew that I was serious because I take my work seriously and always wanted to present my best. Later when I saw him before leaving to go home, he said that he was sure that my files would be found after watching the tape that evening. I graciously thanked him and hoped for the best outcome.
In the meantime, I had only seen the PGN (Professional Gaslighting Narcissist) twice the entire time in my search for my items. The first time I saw her is when she ventured up to the copier room during the process of me backtracking my steps to find the file folder. When she saw me, it was clear to her that I was looking for something. We briefly chatted about my predicament, and she mentioned that she would be on the lookout if she happened to come across the folder. The second time I saw her was on my way out the door to leave work. Then, she asked me about the results of my search, and I told her that there had been no luck with findings but that the supervisor was planning to rewind the security tape to see who else had been in the copier room around the time I was there. We laughed about her joke that I was an Inspector Gadget-Carmen Sandiego on a mission for missing files. It never occurred to me what might have really been going on behind her joke. I was amiss!
Well, the very next day came and went without my missing folder of files and without the additional missing copies too. My supervisor claimed that he viewed the security camera and saw the usual people that normally entered that copier room, and he saw no one with a file folder in hand. With his words, I just took all of my hard work as a loss and went about researching and recreating the information that was gone. I took his word for it. I took everyone’s word for it. Yet, I was dumbfounded and beyond the point of solving the mystery.
However, I have the type of personality that cannot let go of a mystery I cannot solve. I talked about this situation until I was all talked out about it because it made no sense to me. It made me feel like I was crazy … as if the event really did not happen. In fact, so many others questioned whether the events actually happened, but my proof is always the fact that a folder of information that I had used for a few years had now disappeared from sight. All one had to do was look inside of my organized file cabinet to see that the section labeled for that particular folder was now available for space because the slot was empty.
Even though I became quiet about the mystery of my missing folder, I did not stop trying to solve the mystery. I actually retraced my steps regarding the events of the missing folder in writing by journaling about the situation. By keeping things in writing, I usually gain clarity about life circumstances. I have solved many clues through keeping a journal, and so it would be with my missing file folder. I am so glad that I kept a journal about what occurred with this folder because while I was dealing with another situation in my life that just so happened to involve the PGN, a red flag in that particular situation connected to events from the file folder situation. It was about a year later, and I had been relocated to a different cubicle. It was during this time that I gained the clarity and closure that I needed to solve the mystery of my missing folder. It was a triggering moment!
Lit
Almost a year late the PGN came sauntering into my cubicle with a folder regarding some information that she was assisting me with on an outside project. The missing file folder from the year before was almost a distant memory for me at this point up until she came into the room. Now, I am a keen observer, and for whatever reason, as she came walking into the room, my senses were heightened. It was like the room became filled with a magical aura and all things dull became bright. In that moment, I became overwhelmed with a hyperawareness and hypersensitivity that seemed beyond normal for the moment.
It was just a typical day at the office. Yet, when the PGN came into my cubicle, I immediately took note of her glassy-eyed stare and micro-aggressive smirk. Her micro-expressions and body language indicated to me that she knew something that I was obviously not aware of in that moment … that she had a secret joke and the laugh was on me. Interestingly, she was not aware of my keen sensitivity and those hyper moments when my discernment was being activated for a purpose. During moments of activated discernment, I am receiving a key component – a golden nugget – to be handed to me on a silver platter. This PGN was about to “spill her own tea” by telling on herself in a way she would never realize that I would know.
When the PGN walked into my cubicle with a folder in hand, I glanced at her micro-expressions, her body language, the way her hands were holding the folder, and the heightened atmosphere within my cubicle at that moment. That is when I knew … that I knew … that I knew … beyond any doubt that the PGN had stolen my file folder! I knew that she had deliberately created a gaslighting catastrophe that was so outrageous and intricately woven together to incite the crazy-making behavior I felt somewhat embarrassed about because there was no way to prove to others that the events that had occurred with my folder of files were even real. I was speechless!
How did I know she was holding my folder? I saw my handwriting on the tab and a color-coded fancy paper clip that I was well known all over the office for using for the purpose of separating documents within a folder. Although there were now different documents within the folder she was holding, I knew she specifically had MY folder to prove to me that she was a stone cold PGN. I believe she was also proving to herself that she still able to get over on me as she had done before. This PGN had MY folder in her hands while in my face with a nasty, arrogant smirk on her face as if I had no idea that the folder in her hand was mine. The audacity!!!!
Well, I recognized that it was my folder because I saw my handwriting, the color-coded fancy paper clip, and small notations that I had made near the side of the folder that had all been etched out in pencil but was still somewhat visible. In that moment, all I could do was look at her. I just blankly stared waiting for her to say something. I just blankly stared like someone who has been working hard inside her cubicle and realizes that someone is standing over her. Instead of visibly showing my facial expressions, I held my emotions and expressed them within my gut. I was mortified!
Besides wanting to knock that arrogant, entitled smirk off of her face, I held my composure to wait to hear what she had to say about why she was standing in my cubicle glaring at me with my doctored and disguised folder in her hand. I simply said, “Hey”, and that was it. My look must have not registered to her as a look of shock or anything out of the ordinary because I reacted to her as normal. My heightened sensitivity and awareness had prepared me. I was operating in discernment. She proceeded to talk about the project as normal all while holding MY folder. I listened and responded in kind, but all I could think about was the amount of time I had wasted searching for a folder and all of my documents that she had taken from me. What was the reason? What was her reason?!!?
It would be within this past year after analyzing past relationships with people who displayed narcissistic traits that I would begin to have more revelation regarding my missing folder. It was another triggering moment while gaining more insight about gaslighting behaviors. Maybe it will sound like a conspiracy theory, but nonetheless, it is revelation that I accept as truth simply because there is a lot to the PGN that I know that readers of this blog would not know. All I have to go on is my lived experience with these types of behaviors and the narcissists who have inflicted them upon me and others. Needless to say, the PGN is very close friends with not only the colleague that I talked to for less than five minutes in her cubicle before my file folder disappeared, but the PGN is also very close friends with the supervisor. They were in on her scheme the entire time and said nothing to me!
My colleague from the cubicle and my supervisor are her enablers (flying monkeys). They are all friends, and they deliberately worked with the PGN to make sure that the plan she set against me would work in her favor. I now doubt that the supervisor ever checked the security camera for anything. He was simply placating me. Who were the usual people that were in the copier room besides me? He never said, and now I look back and realize that the atmosphere was prime for their shenanigans, and I was set up! In fact, anyone who was associated with the PGN in any manner behaved as her flying monkey, so I am not surprised now that circumstances unfolded as they did around me. The only person who ever came back to me during that time about the folder was the janitor. The janitor showed sincere concern and actually cautioned me to always look over my shoulders regarding my colleagues. I have held his words ever since! I doubt that he knew what was really going on, but the janitors always knew the about all of the workplace drama.
Yeah, I know it all sounds crazy, but I know without a doubt that this is what happened with my folder because of so many other circumstances involving this PGN that were attempts to gaslight me on varying levels. In fact, this PGN spent the latter part of my time in the company secretly attempting to sabotage my work, publicly embarrass me, and bring me down. My final year in the company was a bittersweet time for me. I was elevated to a higher position. Thankfully, I was moved away from the PGN to another department, and I rarely saw her at all. Too bad I had to endure the final year with another narcissist, but more on that later.
Nevertheless, the PGN will never know the overall damage she caused me even if I physically appeared fine. The gaslighting experience of even this one incident was enough to send me reeling into feelings of self-doubt, confusion, powerlessness, and fear. I spent several weeks acting as my own detective while attempting to figure out what happened to my folder. I spent weeks mechanically backtracking my steps both visibly and within my mind in an attempt to figure out whether I could do anything to make that folder of documents reappear. Meanwhile, I was also still walking around in a fog about my folder while the PGN was watching my every move already knowing the truth … all while deviously plotting another scheme to bring my folder to fruition without me even realizing it was my folder. Basically, I was made to feel as if I was overreacting about an event that I was conditioned to believe was not even real while reliving the event in another capacity all created by a professional gaslighting narcissist … and that is the horror of gaslighting.
My Voice Unchained 