So Much More To That Almost Married Story

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I almost married a narcissist. Fast forward to a little more than 20 years later, and I can actually say I am so glad I did not. Had I accepted the proposal of the smooth and handsome narcissist (narc) from back then, I can only imagine the massive damage to my spirit this marriage would have brought me.

Narcissists Never Change

Going back in time to a life I am so glad I avoided is a lesson within itself. I have gained so much knowledge about narcissistic personality disorder, but the book knowledge I gained was not nearly as enduring and enlightening as my personal lived experience with actual narcissists. Putting it mildly, I learned a lot. I learned so much that I could write volumes of lived experiences with narcissists and still not tell you my complete story.

One thing that I have learned that has stood the test of time is that the narcissists I have known never change. They might change up their outward methods of control and manipulation, but internally, they are still the same. They are still narcissists wielding their evil powers with no remorse or concern for how they affect others. They are still all about obtaining as much narcissistic supply to fulfill their perpetual need for admiration, esteem, and whatever else that makes them feel special and invincible.

Many narcissists never change because, for the most part, they do not believe they need to change. As long as others cater to their ever-growing and often grandiose wants and needs, they will remain the same. They will remain entitled, arrogant, selfish, and a growing list of other not so pleasant adjectives to describe their need to impose their whims and wishes upon others. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So it is with narcissists.

So Much More Than I Ever Knew

Had I married the smooth and handsome narc, I would most likely be miserable in marriage to him. Back during his proposal for engagement, I was completely unaware that this narcissist had not changed at all. In fact, I was completely unaware that the man I thought I loved so dearly was a even a narcissist. I would learn though. Oh, I would learn. There is more to my past story with him that remains to be told. So, let me tell you now.

When the narc proposed to me, little did I know what was going on behind the scenes. I knew that there was something completely off about his behavior that I could not put my finger on, but I did not realize that there was a full dramatic storyline that I could completely see. I just knew what the narc presented to me, and what he presented to me at the time was a fairy tale. He loved me, and I was willing to believe that his love for me was all that mattered at the time. I was naïve; some might even say blind and dumb.

Anyway, the smooth and handsome narc had given me the impression that he had broken up with his then girlfriend because he realized how much he loved me. He realized that he had let a good woman [me] get away from him (even though he was the one who left). He also indicated to to me that he had regretted hooking up with the then girlfriend in the first place. Looking back, however, I thought it interesting that despite all of his pronouncements of love, I felt totally unmoved by it all. His words and deeds did not penetrate to my heart. I accepted what he said as truth, but I did not feel what he said as truth. I did not feel his words at all. For whatever reason, I was not able to buy completely into what he was selling me even though I wanted to believe him.

Now, I realize that my intuition … my discernment was at work. There was clearly something up; I just did not know what “up” was at the time. I had no idea, then, that the narc had his own personal scandal. I was not only clueless, I was the last to know. He was simultaneously dealing with the loss of his mother, and the loss of a friendship. He and his then best friend were on the outs because of of a cheating scandal. The smooth and handsome narc was involved in a cheating scandal! Imagine that!

The narc had slept with his best friend’s girlfriend. There was no way to deny it because the best friend caught the narc and the best friend’s girlfriend together. If the narc could have gaslighted his way out of that situation, I am sure he would have, but he was more or less trying to save himself from what his best friend might do to him. Needless to say, a confrontation ensued between the best friend and the narc while the narc’s then girlfriend was present. As would be the case, the then girlfriend was embarrassed and devastated by the information. I am still unsure of the specific details, but the then girlfriend was apparently forgiving enough as long as the narc chose to remain with her.

Apparently, this all occurred prior to the narc’s mother’s death. So it makes sense as to how very tactful the then girlfriend behaved with me during that time despite the narc’s instigative tactics to triangulate us. I realize now that she may have been in fear of the narc’s inevitable discard of her. Her attempts to keep him failed even though he betrayed her by cheating on her. Wow! He cheated on her just like he had cheated on me with her! Yet, thinking about this does not even bring me solace. The saying “what goes around comes around” has only ever brought me comfort when I was seeking vindication and justice. There is no vindication or justice when I see someone else hurting. She was just as oblivious as I was to the narc’s double life.

Interestingly, I felt empathy for the then girlfriend because the narc obviously led her to believe the same types of lies he had been telling me up until he discarded me before our breakup when he had cheated on me with the then girlfriend. This narc could be very convincing when he really wanted to get his way. So, it did not really surprise me that the then girlfriend chose to remain in the relationship with him. After all, he seemed to be a great catch … every woman’s dream man. He was a charismatically charming, hardworking, and delightfully handsome man. Yet, so much had unraveled that revealed him to be nothing more than a woman’s nightmare. His charisma and charm had worn off, at least with me, and his handsome façade was only a mask covering the true nature of his ugliness.

The Shocking Reveal

Months after the scandal I knew nothing about at the time, the narc had spent what seemed like considerable time trying to woo me back into his world. This smooth and handsome narc worked hard to win me over, but I often felt like my heart was stone. I actually felt as if I was dissociated from it all even though the rekindling a relationship with him was what I believed I wanted with him. I simply could not connect with him in the way that I desired, but I would soon find him kneeling before me, professing his love for me, and brandishing a proposal for me all in an effort to secure me as his future wife.

The narc’s kneeling, professing, and proposal were all things that I had wanted from him for a long time [in the past], but now that they were happening, I was numb. What’s even more, I did not even realize at the time that the narc did all of these things without even showcasing a ring. There was no engagement ring! Now, I know that the ring is a traditional part of proposals and not necessarily a necessity. What matters is that the proposal and engagement themselves are representative of what is desired for commitment towards a future together as a married couple. Yet, this is a narc we are talking about.

The fact that he showed up with no ring means that he was desperate to secure me. He did not love me in the way that is healthy and meaningful. He loved me because I was his best producer of narcissistic supply! Plus, he needed to secure me before I found out his dirty little secret. I surely had no idea that while those heartfelt things were happening that he actually had already gained and secured new supply that he was keeping behind the scenes. He was cheating on me before an engagement or marriage could even begin. I just did not know this at the time!

Yet, somehow the narc was calculated enough to know that maybe this would all work out for him. After all, we seemed to be progressing in our relationship after a major break up that crushed my spirit. He was forgiven, and he seemed like he had changed based on all the things that he was saying to me, but there was a gnawing feeling within me that I just could not shake. I was just so naïve, and I did not know. I did not know that he had already been heavily grooming new narcissistic supply.

I did not know that the new narcissistic supply was a new girlfriend! It was the same girlfriend that was the former girlfriend of his best friend. The narc only broke things off with his then girlfriend because he wanted to reconnect with me for his best supply and secure another form of supply behind my back – a supply that the then former girlfriend knew about but I did not. What is crazy about all this is the hindsight because the narc created a triangulation between me, him, and the then girlfriend to ensure that the then girlfriend and I would never speak. Are you following me? It sounds crazy, I know.

There was already so much water under a collapsing bridge between all three of us with millions of streams and puddles of watery lies and innuendoes. I guess the narc figured that the then girlfriend hated me too much to ever say anything to me about his cheating scandal. She may have even felt that I was getting what I deserved for him leaving her and coming back to me. I do not know. I can only speculate here though. I do not know what she thought. I just know that according to the narc, the then girlfriend had a very strong dislike of me. I never understood this, but then again, the narc could have been lying about that too.

This smooth and handsome narc was lying about a lot. What unfolded next only occurred after I silently rejected his marriage proposal. His entire facade came crashing down all around him, but in the distance, I was already long gone.

Stay tuned for more …