Just When I Thought I Was Safe

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I thought I was safe.

Wavering With Regrets Until …

After disconnecting my life from the narcissist I almost married, I adjusted to a new normal that did not consist of narcissistic abuse from him. Within six months to my last contact with the narcissist by phone, I had made considerable gains in my career, and I had developed a few friendships and acquaintances. I was loving my new life until an old friend came to visit me. She marveled at how well I had adjusted without the narcissist and decided to fill me in on life back in my town and state.

From my personal experience, I can say, you should beware of the friends that constantly “deliver” to you information about your former life. These friends might mean well when filling you in on hometown gossip, but they might not mean well at all. After all, this friend was the same friend who had informed me of the narcissist being involved with his now wife in the first place. These types of friends sometimes unknowingly stir up strife and bring drama into your life, but sometimes this is just the intention especially if the narcissist is using them as a messenger.

At this point in my life, I really did not want to hear about the life the narcissist was living because my relationship with him was over, and I was still nursing deep hurts and working on inner healing from those deep hurts. I had struggled with depressive episodes and faced many difficult, dark moments feeling alone. I wavered in my thoughts about the narcissists, and I regretted not being good enough for him. I had many regrets regarding the relationship we had, and I had a lot of self-doubt … until the friend revealed the lies!

Liar Liar!

The friend was that I had telephoned the narcissist myself for the purpose of gaining closure to the relationship. She had no idea that I had encouraged him to marry the woman. Yet, what she shared with me made me feel like nothing more than a foo. I felt like a very foolish woman who had been duped by a lying and scheming narcissist. My regrets about love lost quickly changed to waves of anger that this was a narcissist with ill intent always on his mind.

Until the friend filled me in on details that I was unaware of at the time, I had no idea that I had been duped, yet again, by the narcissist. When I last spoke with him prior to that point in my life (which at the time was about six months later), I had encouraged him to marry the then mother-to-be because I was going to move on with my life. I had no idea that he was actually already married! When the friend told me this, I was baffled!

The narcissist had called me, and now I realized why he had called me. He had called me for the purpose of securing narcissistic supply from me – to keep me pulled on string so that he could see if I possibly wanted to be a side secret in his life. He wanted a side chick. He wanted a mistress! Even though I assumed that he was attempting to keep the door open with me, I had no idea that he had already married. He never said a word while we were on the phone.

He led me to believe that marriage to the now wife was not even his thought. Instead, he remained silent as I gave a farewell speech of sorts about letting him go. My words of farewell gave him the obvious indication that he was not going to secure narcissistic supply from me. I had no intention of being a ‘piece’ on the side with his main dish even though I did not know this was his overall intent. Yet, as I listened to the friend, I was dumbfounded! So, this is all he wanted even as a newly married man! He wanted to cheat! What a narcissistic %%^$#%$!

Breaking The Trauma Bond

Hearing the details from the friend only heightened my feelings of anger against the narcissist. He had done nothing but lie! My wavering regrets were regrets no more. Instead of pining away over his lies though, I worked harder to sever trauma bonds I had developed with him. These trauma bonds were created because the more affection and empathy I gave to him during our relationship, the more he used narcissistic tactics to abuse me.

One would think that the narcissistic abuse would have had the opposite affect on me in that the abuse would have encouraged me to leave the relationship. Instead, the trauma bonds only increased because of the need I had to seek out the “love” and affection that he had shown me on occasion during the relationship. These bonds were intense, and residual ties still needed to be severed as well. So, I cut off all further contact with anyone associated with the narcissist too. This also included the messenger friend. If the door to this narcissist was not already closed before, I bolted the door shut. I never wanted to see this narcissist again.

Just When I Thought I Was Safe

Fast forward from over 20 years ago to just two years ago, and I was living life as if I was safe. I thought my life had moved forward in such a magnificent way that I could honestly say that by that point in time, I was healed and free of that narcissist. He was but a distant memory … or so I thought. Yet, one thing I have learned about the narcissists in my life is that if they are always going to discard me, but their discard most likely will not last forever. They always come back. The phases in the narcissistic abuse cycle are usually an ongoing cycle until the victim of the narcissistic abuse decides that enough is enough. Yet, even still any narcissist will keep the phases going, and just when I think I am discarded, the narcissist comes back. Guess who came back?

Stay tuned …