A Friend Request Opens The Door

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A family wake, friend request, a guy with a message, and a letter in the mailbox have all led up to the point where doors eventually opened to the narcissist I almost married years ago.

A Friend Request Opens the Door

After receiving and reading a letter left inside my mailbox from the narcissist I almost married, I felt pressured into proving a point. I accepted the narcissist’s friend request on a social media platform. I did not regret this, but I must note that the one thing that narcissists always do is pressure their victims to prove themselves. This pressure is increased by various ploys of manipulation by the narcissists to hoover their victims back in and to make the narcissists feel in control.

Needless to say, I accepted the narcissist’s friend request after reading his letter. Then I checked out his social media page. There was nothing to see because it was obvious by the date of page’s creation that he was new to the social media platform. After I accepted his request, I saw that I was his only friend! I did not know what to make of this at first. So I checked back a few days later. It was then that his friends’ list had increased in number, and his friends consisted of everyone that we mutually knew as “friends”. One “friend” that I was instantly aware of was the guy that had messaged me with intrusive questions. (Please see my post entitled Narcissists Aim To Succeed.)

Despite accepting the narcissist’s friend request, I chose not to interact with him in any way. My original intent was to check out his life to see if he displayed the noted change that his letter did not indicate to me about his character. However, there was no “life” for me to check out. There were no profile picture(s), no photos, and no posts. Was this a secret page? I know that many people do not use social media, and I could see that about him because he is a person that loves to project perfect presentations. Yet, he has been a liar in the past and has lived a double life in terms of what he has presented to me. However, there was nothing to see on his social media page because he had nothing to project, but even still, I did not trust this. I do not trust him.

The Telephone Call

After having settled within myself that this narcissist had not changed and had, via his letter to me, implicated that I was the major problem in our relationship over 20 years ago, my anger and overall curiosity gained the better of me. I took the bait, and I called him. Now, before you go and think that I was holding out against all hope for an apology or some moment of connection with him, I want to be very clear on this. I had no hopes for anything with him but to settle the score.

I admit that I wanted to share my side of the story. I did not want him to have the last word on a story he screwed up. I wanted to be able to defend myself. Leaving a letter in my mailbox was a weak way to have an argument with me, and this is exactly how I saw his letter to me. His letter was an argument against me because he was still holding onto a grudge over being rejected for marriage even though he was scheming behind my back the whole time.

No. I could not let this rest even though I know that entangling myself in a brawl with a narcissist would lead to further frustration. However, I honestly cared very little about the fallout after the fact, and I did not care that he is a narcissist. What I cared about was justice! Yeah, I already know. There is no justice with a narcissist, but something inside of me needed to express myself, and I was going to do it. I was not going to mute myself this time.

So I called him, and to my surprise he answered, and he sounded more surprised by the fact that I actually called him. Hearing his voice did not bring up any wondrous memories. I almost did not even recognize him by the sound of his voice. He literally sounded as if he was locked inside of a time warp. I had not heard the sound of his voice in over 20 years. Despite my knowing absolutely nothing about him because of not keeping up with his life, he knew more than enough about me because he did keep up with my life. For the first moments of the conversation after our initial greetings to each other, I listened as he told me all about my life. How crazy!

The Cycle Of Narcissistic Abuse In A Phone Call

I was surprised by how much he knew about me in terms of my life. Yet, all that he repeated to me was based on surface information that may have come from members of my narcissistic family or from him viewing my social media posts. Although I have toned down on what I share with friends and associates on my social media platforms, there was enough information in the the form of pictures on my page for him to piece together the kind of life he believes me to be living now. In particular, that is all anyone can do by viewing my page of pictures is to assume that I am living a life that they imagine because I am certainly not sharing my personal information with people.

During the phone conversation, the narcissist had such an arrogant attitude towards me about certain things regarding my life. There was no absence from the narcissistic cycle of abuse that narcissists inflict. The narcissist’s haughty attitude signified to me that very little had changed with him. Any time I had to deal with his attitude towards me in the past, it was because he did not sincerely want to compliment me or acknowledge me when I had accomplished something. In this case, during the phone call, he sarcastically remarked how it appeared that I had moved up in the world especially when it came to material possessions. Hmm … okay.

I forgot that this man knew my current living location and had already made a mail delivery to my box. So knowing where I lived gave him viewing access to my property. He claims that he found out by simply looking me up on a people finder site. Not only was my current address made known, but my past addresses were listed too. He said that all of this information is public. So he has known where I have lived for a long time. Wow! Even though I knew that people could be found, I did not think that anyone was really searching for me. I was silent just taking this information all in, and I felt that he smirked with pleasure knowing this.

I also felt his jabs come forth when he talked about my life and accomplishments. Yes, I seemed to be living great, but my life may have been better had he still been in it. What? Was he serious? In other words, he seemed to be implying that even though my life appeared visually great, it may not have really been all that great. He could have been right, but what business was that of his? Why was he hating when we are not even in each other’s lives? What makes him think that his being a part of my life would have made my life better? Is he crazy? He obviously did not consider the fact that not marrying him is what made my life significantly better, but no, he would never say this, of course. I should be the one to take the “L” (loss).

The narcissist pointed out how seeing my posts and pictures on my social media page brought tears to his eyes. He claims that he had not realized how much he missed my beautiful face. He said that I was as gorgeous in my current photos as I was back in the day. Okay … what was he smoking? Although the compliment he gave me was meant to be flattering, I could not accept his idealizing me as anything other than bait to hook me. Back in the day, he never complimented me on my looks. He never had very many nice things to say about my looks at all. In fact, he always gave me the impression that I was ugly and that my physical appearance would never open the eyes of the blind.

Throughout the phone call, times of idealizing me continued until I stopped him to interject my thoughts and questions. How was he just going to monopolize the entire call? I am sure he would have if I let him, but I called for a specific purpose. I asked him to explain his letter because I found it to be very confusing. He sounded as if he became flustered and then immediately said that he had to write that letter in a hurry because he was parked in my neighborhood and did not want to appear as suspicious.

I cannot say that I bought his explanation because the letter seemed to me to have been prewritten as if he was not in a rush. If he was sitting in my neighborhood, I would have thought that his handwriting would have not been as neat and legible. I did not want to become bogged down with trivial points. I was more concerned about the content of the letter. I explained to him that my recall of past events were extremely different compared to his recall as presented in his letter. I reiterated how some of the events would have fared better from my vantage point since he seemingly flipped the script and put himself in my place. I was calling him out without calling him out.

Instantly, I detected another change within the atmosphere of our phone call, and it became clear that this man had not changed at all. He immediately became embroiled in derailing me about making him feel like a fool for having asked to marry me in the first place only for me to never accept his proposal. He said that I made him angry with how I just “sat there completely withdrawn and silent” the entire time he expressed his love for me. He said that he only married someone else because he was broken-hearted over me. He claims he had married on the rebound. He commented how he was so hurt by my rejection of him that he cried for years every time he thought about it and every time anyone ever mentioned my name. DUDE, WHAT?!?!?

The Narcissist Explains Himself

I do not want to minimize how I may have made this narcissist feel about being rejected by me. I do not like intentionally causing others pain, but I feel very little sympathy for a man who was already cheating on me when he proposed to me. Even though I could have gone along with his concocted play on words and fallen into a rabbit hole filled with his lies, I chose not to get into a sparring match with him.

I can say, though, that this lying narcissist did not marry on the rebound. He was not rebounding from anything. His wife is the woman he cheated with behind another woman’s back that he cheated with on me prior to our break up. Although he broke up with the former girlfriend that he had cheated with on me, he did not break up with the woman who he cheated with on the her. When we reconnected, he was still a cheating and lying narcissist because his now wife is the woman he cheated on me with during the time that he was claiming that he wanted to marry me. The lies! So many lies! I should have asked him over the phone if he could hear me over the flames of fire for being such a liar with his pants on fire!

But no! I chose not to bring any of that old history up at all. I chose not to take the bait so that I would not give this scheming narcissist the satisfaction of having me appear as a crazy nut job for losing my cool in the conversation. Instead, I chose to keep our phone conversation all about what I had done. I was not going to play his games. So I simply stated that I did not believe he loved me at all. Since I did not believe he truly loved me, I could not marry him. I told him that I thought his proposal was a joke because he did not even have a ring. I told him that if he really loved me like he said he did, then he would have done everything possible to understand my position by putting himself in my shoes. I wanted to know why he thought I should have married him. His silence was deafening.

His silence was deafening until he said that he thought that he was not good enough for me. Projection! Although it is very possible he thought he was not good enough for me because of his own internal insecurities, I saw his explanation as a projection since he always stated that I was the one who was lucky to have him during our past relationship. He always needed to make me aware that he could have any woman that he wanted, but he chose me. He always said that I should have been grateful that someone like him even bothered to cast a glance in my direction because most men would not have given me a second look. Yet, here we are over 20 years later with the narcissist telling me that missing my beauty makes him cry and long for me. You know what? I. Just. Cannot.

The narcissist further explained that maybe he should have tried harder to win me over if he had known that I felt as if his love was not real for me. But … his love was not real for me. I came to the hard and painful conclusion that he did not love me, but I also realized that I did not love him. I only loved an illusion. I could not explain that to him though. Steeping more rejection on him in a phone called would have flared up the rage within him, and I wanted to be careful enough to remember that this man now knows my address.

To bring the conversation up to speed, I wanted to know what he wanted with me now, and his answer astonished me. He wanted to know if I had closure. He literally said those words: closure. I said yes. I had moved on. Did either of us have a choice? He said he did not have closure. I was confused. Is not marrying someone else and having a family closure? He said that a marriage and family were not closure for him because he thought about me everyday and wanted to know if I had thought about him. I thought this was odd. Then I thought that maybe he was twisting things to his advantage as a way to make me feel sorry for him. What he really implied to me was that he wanted an apology!

What should I be sorry for? Did my rejection hurt him that bad? No. I do not believe it. I did not believe it on the phone. My heart during the phone conversation felt very much like it did over 20 years ago when he proposed to me. My heart felt numb. I could not “feel” his words. I did not feel the truth of his words. Yet, if I sincerely hurt him, I did not want be callous. So, I apologized to him for not responding when he asked to marry him. I told him that I should have simply said “no”. The phone air was filled with his disgust and anger.

He then skipped the subject, and inquired about my current love life. I gave enough of an impression for him to believe that my love life was too complicated for an explanation. I did not really answer him. He continued to pry, but I flipped the switch by asking him about his marriage. He basically said that he was in a “situation”. So I said, “oh … a situation? Is that what marriage is called now? Is this an apology for having not been true to me in the first place so that we could have been married?”

The narcissist: “Girl! I do not have time for your jokes! You were always so funny, but now is not the time for jokes! You did me wrong! Are you sorry for what you did or not?”

Me: “No.”

The narcissist: “So you are over me then?”

Me: “Yes.”

The narcissist: “Then, I guess this conversation is over. I guess I can move on now.”

Me: “Yes. You can. I have.”

The narcissist: “Then I guess we don’t have anything more to talk about.”

Me: “I guess we don’t.”

The narcissist: “Take care of yourself. Just know I will always love you.”

Me: “You too. Take care of yourself.”

Click. The call was over. But you know how the story goes. It’s not really over. It’s not over until somebody sings. Do you hear singing?

Stay tuned for the final discard.