The Motive Revealed

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Some narcissists do not really discard their victims. For whatever reason, they simply recycle their supply of victims back into their rotation … it seems with the narcissist I almost married over 20 years ago.

How Many Ways Can I Get Closure?

I thought it was over. I thought I had closure. I know that narcissists do not give closure; they give discards. Even still, the phone conversation I had, with the narcissist I almost married more than 20 years ago, seemed to be closure enough. The narcissist, undoubtedly, said what needed to be said on his part, and I made the best attempt possible to say what I wanted to say – despite all the twists and turns within a circular conversation that I believe he solely intended to make me look like the evil and crazy one between the two of us.

After clicking off the phone, I felt somewhat dazed by it all, but I felt relieved that I got through the conversation. I was finally able to settle within myself that I had indeed not made a mistake. There were several red flags that the narcissist had made clear to me that I had not made a mistake about marrying him long ago, but the updated version of this narcissist made me all too sure that my decision not to marry him was a life saving decision. I saved my own life. I broke free from narcissistic abuse at his hands. So, after the crazy phone conversation with the narcissist, I was glad to be moving forward.

A Surprise Text Message

Exactly six months after the conversation I had with the narcissist, he sent me a text. At first, I tried to figure out who the text was from, thinking that the text was sent to the wrong person. Tracing the telephone number, I realized that the text was from the narcissist. He was basically sending a message that seemed to gaslight me into believing that a somewhat heated telephone conversation between to two of us that professed our desires to be out of each other’s lives had never happened just six months prior. I was confused because I thought that our last conversation indicated that we were both moving on with our lives.

Seeing the narcissist’s text message yielded no emotion within me besides confusion. Yet, there was a minor tug within me to respond … to engage … to be drawn into his message for a feud. Instead, I reminded myself that I was dealing with a narcissist who probably hated how our previous phone conversation ended especially since I showed no interest in continuing further connection with him. Plus, I had studied so many aspects of the narcissistic cycle of abuse, I knew that I needed to keep in mind that he just might be a relentless one … stubborn … not wanting to take “no” for an answer. His text alone proved that he saw my closure as a direct challenge, but I chose to keep the door shut.

Narcissists Never Give Up

Narcissists never give up. They do not give up power. They do not give up on securing narcissistic supply. If one thing holds true in my life, narcissists that I know do not discard me permanently. Whatever their reasons for discarding me is always within their power to do, but they eventually hoover back into my life to pick up where they left off. This narcissist is no different. Even after over 20 years of not ever running into the narcissist when I sporadically visited my family, I now find that he is trying to push his way back into my life.

Exactly three months from the date of the narcissist’s text to me, he graced me with another message. This time I responded because I wanted to know why he continued to text me if we were both moving on with our lives. Big mistake! What was I thinking?!? Why would I bother to encourage him? Somewhere inside of me, I found his texts amusing and ironic in terms of how he thought I would be blinded to his love-bombing despite the fact that he threw out to me some measly portions of ‘breadcrumbs’ throughout our past relationship. His love-bombing texts bordered on strange, and I wondered if this was how he love-bombed his previous love interests in the past. Compliments and expressions of love with me were never his thing, but here they are in a text. Who was this imposter?

I replied to his most recent text with a question.

Me: “Why are you texting me? We are moving on with our lives. I’m definitely moving on with mine.”

The narcissist: “I will never stop loving you.”

Me: “I wish you would.”

The narcissist: You don’t mean that.”

Me: “Actually, I do. Aren’t you still married?”

The text messages then stopped, and the narcissist was not heard from again. I thought that I had hit a nerve and he got the message, but I was wrong. Within three weeks, I heard from him again.

The narcissist: “Hi beautiful! I miss you. I was thinking about you on my birthday and how your birthday is coming soon.”

I did not respond, but in all the years that I had known him, my birthday had always gone unacknowledged by him. In fact, he had never wished me “happy birthday” except one time the entire 10 years we were together. He only acknowledge me then because I reminded him that it was my birthday when he wondered why I was all dressed up. Even still, he begrudgingly acknowledged my birthday as if it were the hardest words, outside of “I love you”, that he ever had to say to me. Yet, here he is in a text message talking about my birthday on his birthday.

A few weeks later there were a succession of text messages from the narcissist. I could sense from the tone of the texts that he was growing more agitated from my lack of response. Each text escalated to him threatening to never speak to me again. I had to laugh because almost a year ago I thought we had decided to never speak to each other again. So much for closing a door. I gave another response. I know. Some lessons I just refuse to learn, but I will not lie when I say I was relieved to see the shoe on the other foot. He was begging and pleading for me. It felt a little like sweet revenge, but I knew I needed to be careful.

Me: “Why do you keep texting me? You are really putting me into a bad position here. I have a life.”

The narcissist: “Well, if you don’t want to talk to me, then I’ll leave you alone.”

Me: “What’s wrong with you? What is really wrong? Has something happened? Why do you continue with these messages when I am not interested?”

The narcissist: “If you’re going to be mean, then I’m not going to talk to you again.”

Me: “Consider me mean then! But I’m really not trying to hurt your feelings. I just do not want to communicate with you. You’re married!”

The narcissist: “Fine! If that’s how you want to be.”

Me: “Yeah … that’s how I want to be!”

The narcissist: “Then I won’t contact you anymore!”

I marveled at how low I perceived that the narcissist had fallen. I had almost forgotten that this a game that narcissists play though. They play to win. I had almost forgotten that I knew not of whom I was dealing with in all this. This narcissist had an agenda. He had a motive. Despite me believing I was closing a door, he had no intentions of doing so on his end. I was going to need to take measures and stop feeding into his game.

Although I found his texts somewhat funny and ironic at first, I was cautioned by a very good friend (that moved away), that it was possibly more serious than I realized because the narcissist had taken certain precautions to come back into my life … to the point that he located my address and placed a letter in my mailbox while I was home without me ever being aware. My friend cautioned me to take his contact with me seriously because if he had been brooding for over 20 years regarding my rejection to his marital proposal, I could not be sure of his state of mind. He might be a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

To be honest, I was too comfortable. I was too comfortable with the narcissist I had known in the past. I never believed that he was capable of any harm, but then I had to be serious and recognize that everything he presented was through a glassy illusion. In the past, nothing was real except the damage and heartache he caused me. No amount of laughter nor good times could erase the bad times … the things that I suffered because of him.

Then it started to become clear. No contact means exactly what it means. I had to take responsibility for my own actions. I could not even lightly indulge in conversation with this narcissist. I had to view him as dangerous. Anything that I did or said would be taken as my permission to keep communication going even if it were negative. I had to end this. I could not stop him, but I could stop myself.

The Motive Revealed

I supposed, haphazardly, that the narcissist was done. Communication had stopped, and I sensed that I had been discarded by him. Besides his craziness, I had other narcissistic fish to fry. I was in the process of researching as much information as I could on ridding myself from other narcissistic ties. It is so exhausting to be involved with these bloodthirsty people. If narcissists see a neck (any skin for that matter), they are prone to bite. Their desire it so drain you of your life source. They go in for the kill. Where the narcissist I almost married was concerned, I wondered if there might be some reason to believe he would consider a literal kill. I could not be too careful because he seemed to be still angry about a rejection from years past.

In hindsight, my thoughts are definitely not the thoughts of the narcissist. We do not think in the same manner. My thoughts are often naïve. After years of being tripped up by different narcissists within my life, I had acquired understanding their patterns – how they move and operate. Narcissists literally seek to kill, steal, and destroy. They often have no afterthought about the damage they do in the lives of others. They are only looking to get their needs met. They only want to fulfill their narcissistic desires. They look to anyone to be supply. They most often return to those that were once supply to prove that they can still control those victims.

Although I have read accounts that narcissists rarely return to victims that rejected them in a major way, I would have to prove that this account is wrong. I rejected the narcissist I almost married in a big way even though I truly did not intend to reject him. I was saving myself. Had I married him, I am sure my life would have been one of misery. I seriously doubt that I could have grappled with depression while dealing with this maniacal narcissist. After some forethought through journaling, I came to the realization that the narcissist wanted to exact his own revenge upon me. Even though I did not feel a sense of danger about him, my dear friend warned me to keep my guard up and to pay attention. I reread his texts and discovered a hidden layer. It had not even occurred to me his true motive until that moment.

After rereading the narcissist’s texts, rereading excerpts of my journal regarding the situation, and pondering over and analyzing the conversation the narcissists had with me on the phone, I tried to make sense of the narcissist’s thought processes. I realized that I had missed key components. It should have been obvious. It should have been every obvious, but in the moment, I did not think beyond to understand his motives, and this is a lesson I forever keep before me now. Everything he had done was by his design. Everything he had done was by calculation. He was setting me up.

From many things that were mentioned in the letter he had placed in my mailbox for me to read and the implications that he had made in our phone conversation, I suddenly realized that he wanted to exact his own revenge against me by not only funneling out to himself supply from my interactions with him but he wanted to possibly make me a side dish … a side piece … a side chick … a mistress. This narcissist was setting me up with an attempt to indulge in an affair, and if not an affair, he was setting me up by implication to ruin my reputation.

I gathered all of this from several things. First, this narcissist slithered his way into a family wake to speak to my family so that they would plead to me on his behalf. He also wanted to get as much information from my family as he possibly could so that he could use that information within his letter to me and in conversation with me on the phone. Second, the narcissist had his friend set the stage in sending me direct messages to gain information from me through a series of rapid-fire questions that escalated in the amount of personal information inquired of for the purpose of finding out my current status. Third, the narcissist personally delivered to me a letter which he used to gaslight me to the point that I look like the narcissist that destroyed his life instead. Finally, the narcissist utilized a refined method from the past for pressing the buttons that he knew would inevitably lead me to call him and accept his friend requests. When his tactics against me failed, he pushed passed my boundary for closure and proceeded to bombard me with text messages.

It may sound like my thoughts towards what his motives may be are quite lengthy and filled with conspirator thinking, but I know this narcissist, and I do not put anything past him. The methods he used are all hoovering attempts to entrap me so that he can finally say that he exacted his revenge against me and that he finally gave me some form punishment he believes that I deserve. I could be very wrong about this way of thinking, but it works for me to believe this so that I can cut ties with him for good. Just when I thought I was working to cut ties with other narcissists within my life, he comes back to settle a score.

A Last Attempt Before Discard

In the midst of my research and discovery, I received another text from the narcissist after weeks of silence. It was a text that gave the feeling that the narcissist and I were on good terms and had been texting regularly for some time. It was weird. He wanted me to remind me of my own birthday. He was going to buy me a gift. I did not reply. I saw the bait clearly. After over 20 years, he now remembers my birthday? Surely, he believes I am an unintelligent woman who is clueless of his schemes.

He obviously believes I am like him. He obviously believes that I have no respect for others or for the sanctity of marriage. Maybe he thought that I would want my own revenge against his wife since he was cheating on me with her while he was making plans to marry me. Yet, I am very doubtful his wife ever knew she was used for narcissistic supply. As I looked at the text I felt myself becoming angrier the more I thought about this what he said and what he was really implying. I felt his intent. I was beginning to feel my own rage burn within.

Right before my birthday, he sent one more text. I was prepared, and I was exhausted with his childish games. We are adults here. At least we physically look like adults … and physically older adults at that. Why is this even an issue? I am too old for foolishness, and I should not have anxiety over something that should have long ago been a non-issue. I now see who the clingy one is of the two of us. He always led me to believe in the past that the clingy one was me. I am far from it.

I have had enough. I would discard myself. More than discard, however, I would free myself. I would free myself from the bondage that is this narcissist that I almost married. That’s the key. I almost married him, but I did not. So this should not be an issue! I responded to his text, and I hoped that he would be able to feel the tone of my words. I needed him to.

Me: “I do not like responding to your texts. We both agreed to move on with our lives separately. I do not like responding off the cuff to you because you are married. I respect your marriage, and I respect your wife enough to not cause her any pain. I know what it is like to be cheated on. I know what it is like to be in pain. I would appreciate you not texting me again.”

This was the final straw. The thought of him appearing at my door with a present or to exact a more hurtful revenge was more than I could handle. There is nothing more sacred than my privacy, and I do not tolerate anyone invading the sacred space of my home. Just knowing that he had already been around the perimeter of my home was scary enough, but I sent the text. I wanted to close the door forever.

I hoped that he would see that I am not supply … that I do not want to be his supply. Yet, I do have the fear that he could be extremely angry if he has been pondering and brooding over rejection. I wish that I could know what is going on in his life that arouses this sense of a comeback … that sparks his desire to pursue me. Yet, I do not regard him as a sociopath. I do not actually feel any danger. I believe that he knows better, and I believe that his reputation means more to him than my life. He has never truly cared about me before.

His Discard; My Closure

My birthday came and left without event … literally. This narcissist, the one I almost married, did not contact me. My hope is that he is done. My hope is that he gave up and discarded me. The fact that he did not acknowledge me was welcomed in every sense. Even if he has not discarded me, I have gone no-contact.

Fortunately there was never communication between the narcissist and I via social media, and I am doubtful that this will be an avenue that he will attempt. I can never say never regarding what he does, but I can still go no-contact on my own. This was surely a lesson for me … one that could have had far-reaching and damaging consequences. There is always the possibility that he is still brooding. So my guard is always up.

For now, I rest assured in knowing that I am moving forward without him (again). I know that I can never let my guard down where a narcissist is concerned because a narcissist does not change. The only goal of a narcissist is to gain narcissistic supply and secure relief for his narcissistic injury.

I do not know if this is the complete end of this story, but I will keep you posted though.

Stay tuned for the next post.