If I could go back and change certain behaviors, actions, and responses when it has come to dealing with narcissists, believe me, I would definitely do so. This flashback to the past [and present] have easily provided me with a look at many, many learned lessons. Unfortunately, I have a sometimes dull but hard head because I have repeated some lessons over and over. After realizing that I failed lessons, I have often said to myself, “Oh silly woman!” The solution seems simple. What can I do?
I have tools that I sometimes do not even use even when I have been aware these tools have been activated on my behalf. I have keen discernment and intuition. I often know that I know something without knowing why. Sometimes the instant I meet a person, there is a subtle but low vibrating alarm within me that says “watch and listen”. Yet, months later, that person is in my life, and I am quickly realizing that there is something more wrong with them than with me. Despite my noticing everything, I will pretend as if I notice nothing at all. “Oh silly woman!” Why not heed the subtle vibration?
I see patterns that repeat with one person compared to another person. These patterns often reveal what I have seen in a different person with narcissistic traits. I recall in those moments of recognizing the pattern that I will simply wait “it” out. Although I am not exactly sure what “it” is that I am waiting for, I condition myself to believe and hope that this person is somehow different from the previous narcissist in my life. I override these signs and all of the red flags. I keeping forging ahead hoping for a brighter day. “Oh silly woman!” Why must everything be Deja Vu? Why the love for danger?
Once I become entangled within the web of my narcissistic predator, I do everything possible to think my way out of the situation. There is nothing else to do while caught up in the web. So I ponder over ways to appease the narcissist hoping the narcissist will find his/her heart and change. I search the eyes of the narcissist for what I already know is there. There is a darkness to the eyes that remain fixated until I have glanced deep enough for those eyes to reveal a small window into the being beyond the false persona the narcissist presents to me. I spend time getting to know the narcissist. I like the narcissist. The narcissist has become my friend. I spend time figuring out who the narcissist really is behind the mask. That mask often comes off revealing someone both evil and vulnerable at the same time. “Oh silly woman!” Why do you stare? The narcissist is not a friend as you are his/hers. Why do you sit on the precipice of evil ready to be engulfed and drained of all that is you?
I believe get to know the humanness of the narcissist, and therein creates my trauma bond even if the narcissist is making sure the bond on their end [with the use of various manipulative and controlling tactics] keeps the bond stronger. I am thinking that if I am there for the narcissist, a real true friend to the narcissist, then the narcissist will see that my care and concern for them is genuine. I do not think about the other narcissistic suppliers who believe and do the same for the narcissist. I do not consider I am not the only friend. The narcissists does and says things that encourage me to believe s/he is alone in victimhood. “Oh silly woman!” The narcissist is aware of your feelings and still does not care. Why do you waste your time?
For the most part, I always grow to love the narcissist – often omitting the fact that s/he is a narcissist. “Even I have issues,” I say to myself. So, I never shun the narcissist when I see the worst of who they are as a person. After all, I have long held the age old saying that “we often hurt the ones we love the most” despite this being something I do my best not to do. I do not want to intentionally hurt someone. So I tend to always consider someone else’s feelings no matter what I say or do. It often does not occur to me in those moments when a narcissist is showing me their ugliest that I tend to soak it all in and just deal with their words that break down my soul in a way I do not understand. “Oh silly woman!” Have the repeated cycles of this entrapment not provided enough experience that this is how narcissistic behaviors will be? Have you not learned the narcissist will never change?
“Oh silly woman!” Have you not had enough time to learn all the lessons that narcissists teach? By now, there have been several different teachers sinking their clutches into you and teaching you their toxic doctrine of love-bombing without love. Though these narcissists have all worn different masks to hide their true natures, what they reveal after the masks comes off all results in the same. These narcissists exhibit the same traits and almost in the same order. Some reveal themselves slower than overs, but the mask comes off with same tricks of deception, the same round of narcissistic abuse, and the same often tragically painful outcome. “Oh silly woman!” When will you finally apply all of the lessons you have learned from the many narcissists?
“Oh silly woman!” When will you be a silly woman no more, learn what you need to know, and just close the door?
My Voice Unchained 