How Do I Really Feel?

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Indescribable

This morning as I scrolled through my social media, I came across a video post on the topic of narcissistic infiltration. This was not the speaker’s actual title, but this is what I heard within my own mind as the speaker spoke regarding her topic. As I listened to the message, I immediately became filled with an emotion I am always aware of but cannot quite describe. The speaker spoke powerfully as she gave the divine reason as to why narcissists frequently infiltrate their victims’ lives.

The moment I heard the speaker’s message, I felt instantaneous emotions of incredible loss, anger, sadness, deep regret, and grief. It is the feeling I have when I realize all too well that I have been duped by someone that I trusted, that I l loved, and that I have invested so much of myself into in an effort to establish and maintain what I perceived to be a relationship of connected friendship or romance. It is the feeling I have when I do not what to do.

The feeling itself is too abstract to put into one word, but the feeling was there the moment I heard the speaker’s message. The feeling is there now. It is like I can envision myself throwing up my hands but not because I really want to give up but because I feel powerless. I am at a loss as to what to do because there are three dynamic relationships in my life right now where narcissists abound, and I want them extracted in the simplest and least dramatic way possible.

The Message

So what did the speaker say that aroused indescribable feelings that I am sitting in and waiting to pass? It is a message that I already know on my own without being told. It is a message that I have heard thousands of times. It is a message that I recently saw in print even. Yet, when the speaker spoke the message, something within me was ripe for acceptance as a listener, and my ears and my emotions immediately heard and felt the spark. The message had reached my spirit – the very heart of who I am – and I felt an implosion.

The message was, “The narcissists are sent on assignment by Satan to destroy your life. What other explanation is out there? They are on assignment by Satan to come and kill, steal, and destroy your life!” Despite me reading, hearing, and knowing this message for years, today was different. Since I am already struggling with cutting ties with narcissistic types in my life, this message today had dizzying effects upon me because I am desperate to be free of narcissists. I can clearly see their destruction in my life as I never have before even in the past.

For the better part of the past year and a half, this message has been coming forth when I faced what has been the worst battle of my life with a swarm of narcissistic people that all seemed set upon my annihilation. These narcissists were one of the many reasons that I resigned from a loved career that lost its shine overtime because of the struggle to coexist peacefully within an environment filled with toxic personalities. Although I was ready to embark on a new journey and new career, I felt that much of my time within my sphere of work was maligned by scheming narcissists set on destroying me.

The Solution

The solution is simple. I must extract these remaining narcissists from my life. There is no other way around it. The truth, however, is that this solution is simple and complicated at the same time. It is simple because I can just walk away, but it is complicated because it takes more effort to do so on my part. It is just like my life’s work. It took some time for me to finally come to the conclusion that it was time for me to part ways with my career for good. Although I had been ready for years to do this very thing, I never felt that the timing was right.

Although the narcissists attempted to control several aspects of my life, the final decision to move forward remained in my control just as the decision does now. I am in control of my life, but having narcissists within my life has made maintaining control over my life a major battle. Exiting this battle has proven to be costly and more dangerous than I could have ever imagined because narcissists do not let go easily. They do not just give up. I am always waiting for the timing to be right, but there is no balancing of this time clock.

I am finding, however, that I am losing my will to remain calm, level-headed, and in self-control. I want to unleash my own vengeance. I want to release my own brand of annihilation. As a normally empathetic soul to the plight of others, I want to mirror back to narcissists my brand of unflinching apathy. I want them to feel the pain that they have brought into my life that has often rendered me speechless, helpless, and powerless all at the same time. I want them to feel what it is like to have soul crushing and immobilizing grief that causes me to question the reason for my existence.

The Effect

In the past, it did not bother me to see narcissists win. I was indifferent to the lives. Even still, I am indifferent to their lives now, and I do not want to see them at all. I just want them to know justice since they can never feel sorrow for the grief they have caused others. I want them to experience judgement for the lives that they have often irrevocably marred when the narcissists’ lives remained unchanged because of their sense of entitlement. However, I am reminded that I cannot repay them enough and that vengeance is not mine.

To be honest, I wish there was an easier way out of these situations. Easier is not simpler. Easier is me passively-aggressively letting narcissists just discard me all while hoping they do not come back into my life. Their discards are not true abandonment though. They simply do not abandon me because they all come back. No, I just want to be done by any means necessary, but the message I heard today gave me every reason to believe that narcissists are here in my life to stay until I extract them. I have to take and use my power. I have to take control. I have to fight back. I have to win back my life.

So I arise to the task. I accept the challenge. I will be free. I will extract these life-draining narcissists from all of the realms of my life. Now that I have the tools and the understanding about narcissistic relational traits, narcissistic abuse, and narcissistic personality disorder, I can now begin the work necessary to break the chains they have attached to me. So … how do I really feel now? I feel calmer now that I have expressed myself. I feel that I was able to gain an emotional outlet in making my feelings known. Yet, I will not feel the release I need until every single one of these narcissists has no effect on my life. I need them gone! I need them out! “Get thee hence, Satan, and take your evil narcissists with you!”