Therapy: The Exit

• 

When I first entered therapy, I entered into two realms. I had a licensed psychiatrist and a licensed therapist. I saw the psychiatrist every six to eight weeks for 20 minutes sessions for several years until the psychiatrist retired from practice. I saw the therapist for bi- or tri-weekly sessions for an hour for several years until I felt that therapy was no longer conducive to my journey.

During the therapeutic process, the psychiatrist worked with me to find the right balance of psychotropic medications to help me with depression and anxiety. The psychiatrist also assessed my mental health symptoms to see how I was progressing towards healing. The therapist worked with me through cognitive behavioral therapy to help me identify and change negative thought patterns that influenced my behavior. Both the psychiatrist and the therapist worked with me to set goals, discuss forms of therapeutic treatment, and develop and manage a treatment plan to help me towards healing and recovery.

My Thoughts About Therapy

Although therapy has been very beneficial for me, there have been times when I felt that it should have ended long ago. In fact, I have often wondered if I overstayed my time in therapy just because of the signs that were before me at the time prior to my finally deciding to end it. In fact, for the last four years of therapy, I had an overwhelming desire to actually find another therapist. This was during a time that I felt that my therapist was not connecting with me on the level in which I so desperately desired the therapist to understand me.

I also felt that there was a time my therapist evaded topics that I wanted to address. This was also the time when I felt that our roles reversed to where the therapist self-disclosed information in a effort to connect with me. Self-disclosure is when a therapist shares some of his/her personal story to connect with the client on a level that helps the client to trust the therapist and see that the therapist relates to the client. Although I understood ultimately that the therapist wanted to show relatability with me, I wanted to address my issues, not the therapist’s issues.

Thus, for a time, I felt that the self-disclosures halted the process of my therapeutic journey, and in some ways increased times of conflict between the therapist and me. I felt a need to schedule sessions further apart. I once even went through a period of just seeing the therapist once every eight weeks for a while because I was so frustrated with times in therapy. I felt that I would never get anything accomplished.

The major reason I wanted to end therapy was that I realized that as much experience has my therapist had in working with family dysfunction, I never felt that the therapist was truly equipped to help me when it came to my personal relationships with my family of narcissists. The therapist said that previous work with many clients with personality disorders had been successful, but I wondered if this success came from placating these clients.

Don’t get me wrong. I do not want to minimize any of the work that my therapist did to help me or does to help others, but dealing with narcissists is exasperating even for therapists. In fact, more than one clinician has told me that they rarely desire to even deal with narcissists, and warned me that if I ever considered becoming a mental health therapist to steer clear of dealing with narcissists. Of course, this most likely is not even reasonable or possible since I have hardly been able to steer clear of narcissists in my own personal and professional life. How are narcissists supposed to even get help if they really want it?

Signs That It Is Time To End Therapy

In retrospect, I should have ended therapy long before I did, but my reasoning not to do so was mainly because I did not want to start over. I had already invested so much in the client-therapist relationship. I did not want to have to rehash my feelings, my thoughts, and my energy elsewhere with someone new. Plus, my therapist already knew me, and I just did not have the heart to end my time in therapy even when I began to feel miserable about being there.

I would not advise anyone to overstay their time in therapy though. It is not only a waste of time and money, it is not healthy. In fact, if it had not been for the pandemic, I may have still struggled with how to let go of the client-therapist relationship. That time away from therapy because of quarantining and lockdowns allowed me to regroup and make decisions for my life that helped me to move into my next phase. I do not regret my decision. It was time to end therapy. Here are some signs that a new therapist is needed or therapy needs to end altogether.

1. You no longer feel heard.
   • During my last few sessions, I simply did not feel as if the therapist heard me. I felt as if there was a disconnect that kept the therapist from understanding where I was coming from when ever I talked about almost anything.
2. You feel judged.
   • I recall a time of sharing a professional situation in which I chose not to involve myself, and instead of hearing me out and being supportive, the therapist literally condemned me for my choice. The therapist spent at least five minutes telling me why I was wrong about my choice instead of simply listening to me. During the remainder of the session, I shut down with the therapist. I was outwardly active but inwardly broken. The therapist’s ridicule eventually led me to making a decision I later regretted because I realized that my prior choice was the best choice for me even though the therapist did not agree with me.
3. You do not feel as if the therapist understands your experience.
   • I found that the more that I grew through therapy, the less the therapist seemed to be able to connect with my lived experiences. It seems crazy, but that is exactly how it happened. It was as if the more I talked about my experiences, the less the therapist seemed to connect with me because they were not shared experiences between us. It was not as if I needed the therapist to have shared my experiences, but I did need the therapist to hear me. Yet, it appeared that the therapist lost focus with me, and I no longer felt that the therapist heard me.
4. You cannot trust your therapist.
   • There was only one time that I lost trust in my therapist. That one time should have been enough to send me on my way, but I accepted the therapist’s words that the therapist was truthful and ethical in dealings with me. The situation involved a narcissistic friend who had become somewhat obsessive with me to the point that she signed up for therapy with my therapist. That would not be much of a problem if the narcissistic friend really wanted the help, but I told my therapist about the friend and the problems that I had with her, and my therapist accepted her as a client anyway. Yes, the therapist has every right to take on any client that the therapist chooses to take on, but the fact that my therapist knew the problems that I was having with the newfound (narcissistic) client who was also my friend and the topic of some of our conversations really bothered me particularly when my narcissistic friend was also scheduled during the same days and time frames on my off weeks. What was even worse? One evening I had an appointment only to be told by my therapist that my narcissistic friend would be in the waiting room on my way out. I was mortified and felt an ominous panic attack coming my way, but even worse was the feeling I had that my own therapist was playing along with this narcissistic friend in tearing me down. For a time, I stopped therapy sessions because I did not trust my therapist. I literally felt traded in for the narcissist. Although the therapist apologized and assured me that nothing about my life was ever shared with the narcissistic friend, it took some time for me to adjust and accept what the therapist said as truth. Eventually, the narcissistic friend stopped therapy as I knew she would, but my trust with my therapist was shattered in so many ways, and it took some time to rebuild trust with the therapist to where I was comfortable enough to relax again.
5. Your sessions are more about your therapist than you.
   • I elaborated on this with my last post. I think that there are times when therapists do help others when they self-disclose how they have dealt with similar problems. Therapists’ self-disclosures shed light on the fact that therapists are human and not perfect. However, self-disclosure should be used at a minimum and not for every session. I often felt that I knew more about my therapist’s personal life than I should, and I do get it … I do get that my therapist wanted to connect with me in some way, but it was not always helpful to me. I especially did not like having to console my therapist or hand my therapist tissues to wipe away tears during my paid session. How did it make sense for me to be billed for my therapist’s tears and problems? I found that those times of self-disclosure were happening more towards the end of my time in therapy even though I had more than enough content that I needed to share. I often felt sidetracked by my therapist’s self-disclosures, and what I really needed to share did not fit into the narrative of my therapist’s story when it was actually my story to tell and my time to tell it.
6. Your time is not valued by your therapist.
   • Ultimately, time became an issue for me where my therapist was concerned because I really began to believe my therapist neither respected nor valued my time. My therapist’s motto was to ensure each client was given a full hour, but somewhere along the line somebody was getting more than an hour of time for the therapist to always run behind schedule. This was not a few times; this was the norm. My therapist was always running behind schedule. If I had an appointment for 2:00, I eventually learned that arriving at 3:00 was the thing to do because I knew I might not be seen until 3:30. If this sounds crazy, that’s because it is crazy, but that is what I came to expect with my therapist’s scheduling system. Somehow, my therapist would always run behind schedule because of whatever happened within a session with another client. In the beginning, late times were not so bad for me until it became a problem particularly when I was not alerted with a phone call ahead of time. Of course, there’s no way to know when my therapist might have been running behind schedule, but a courtesy phone call from the receptionist was always nice because it helped me to plan in advance. Yet, more times than not, I would be called by the receptionist while I was in route to the session or actually sitting in the waiting room. I would be told that I could drive around the neighborhood or find something to eat to pass the time. Once it was actually suggested that I return home and return. What?!? It was about an hour’s drive! After too many times of these long waits, I felt that this was poor time management on the therapist’s part, and I eventually addressed this issue with the therapist. My therapist promised to improve but also made excuses about it in terms of me needing to have more patience and understanding because clients often had emotional breakdowns near the end of the session, and the therapist did not want any client to leave sessions in a bad emotional state. However, I reached my limit with all of this this when the therapist was more than two and half hours late for a session. I was not seen until 9 p.m. for an appointment that was scheduled at 6:30 p.m., and I worked a full time job and was in grad school! I was furious! Never mind my own emotional state because of my own issues that I wanted to address, but by the time the therapist came to get me from the waiting room, I felt internal rage. I felt disrespected, and I believe the therapist could tell that I was beyond furious. During my session, my therapist attempted to placate me with platitudes and the like, and it took me a while to settle myself within the session. There was an apology, and eventually I did accept it, but still, this behavior is unprofessional and rather dismissive to me. Why did I stay that long to wait? I really needed to talk, and I did not want to risk a rescheduling nightmare. It was actually hard to get in with this therapist because she was always booked! Once I lost my spot, I would have to work my way back into it, and that was always a nightmare to work out around my busy schedule.
7. Your therapist is too old.
   • Age should not be a reason why someone considers choosing a therapist, but if I had to do it all over again, I would definitely consider age. I was with my therapist for a number of years. So in the beginning, the age of the therapist did not matter to me. As time went on, I wondered if age was a factor in my therapist’s forgetfulness, scheduling nightmares, and sleepiness during my sessions. My therapist would literally go to sleep during my sessions as I was pouring out my heart. I would to wake the therapist up. I might not even be halfway through the session. This became more of a problem during my latter time in therapy, and I could not always schedule my sessions at other times. It was not long before I realized, though, that my therapist had actually aged and that many problems could possibly be accounted for because of this very reason.
8. Your therapy goals remain unmet even after some time has been spent dealing with them.
   • I reached several short-term and long-term goals, but the ultimate goal of dealing with the narcissists in my life remained unmet. In retrospect, however, it was not the job of my therapist to deal with them. It’s my job. I believe that my goals were met in the context of what my therapist was able to do for me. I am a stronger person because of therapy. I am a better person because of therapy. Yet, this goal of freeing myself of narcissists and all those with narcissistic traits is ultimately something I must master myself. I ended therapy because there was no other need that my therapy could help me meet. There were no more goals left to be reached in therapy. I was done, but if you should find that your goals are unmet, then maybe it is time for you to embark upon a new journey with another therapist or maybe you have reached the next phase of your own journey.

Overall, therapy has worked many wonders within my life even with its disadvantages. I have learned invaluable tools in helping me with the rest of my journey. I am grateful for all that my therapist imparted into my life. Yet, I know that this next phase in my life is a time for me to be more proactive and get to the root of the problems that ail me … those roots that were actually never addressed in therapy – at least not in the way that I needed them to be addressed, but then again, my story is not over. A new phase has begun, and part of that new phase is this blog. This blog is a part of the next part of my journey, and I am so exited to see how my life will continue to unfold.

… and so I exit!