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Pulling Away
I was true to myself for the most part. I have decided to distance myself from a fourth narcissist (narc) in my life all within the matter of two days. This narc had been having an idealize and devalue tug-of-war with me, and because I professed to always care about a mutual friend despite cutting myself off from that mutual friend (also a narcissist), this fourth narcissist decided to devalue me with jabs, insults, and a final blow of character projection. I saw it for what it was, and in modern lingo, I bounced!
I bounced myself off into silence, but I was not igniting silent treatment as a method to hurt the narc. I was igniting silence and time away from the narc so that I could reflect. I needed to reflect on the state of this so-called friendship. I took a day to cry because the truth hit me like someone dropping a ton of bricks on me without any remorse that the ton of bricks actually hurt me. I mourned because I had not heeded the red flags. I mourned because this was yet another “friendship” that was not going to endure because of the devastating effects of narcissistic traits in the person who I have called a friend. I mourned because this is yet another person whom I already know is not going to change.
Did The Narcissist Sense My Pulling Away?
No sooner than I had begun to reflect upon the hurt that I have most recently incurred by this fourth narc that I received a message in the from of a text. I know that the narc knew that my feelings were hurt by her devaluing behavior against me from our phone call. I also know that the narc cared enough to send a text just to hoover me back to make sure I was not hurt enough to give the narc the boot. The narc’s text message was nothing more than bait to reel me back into the narcissistic web and cycle of abuse.
The text itself was not an expression of anything, but I instantly saw it as a ploy. It was an oops text for an accidental call to me. This oops text caused me to check my phone. Had this narcissist just gaslighted me into believing she had called me even though there was clear evidence to prove that she had not called me? That is what I figured since there was no recorded call on my phone. My phone was near me at the time, and I never heard it ring. The only calls that do not ring are the calls that I have programmed to automatically go to voicemail. Those are also the calls that are not a part of my personal contacts. So I knew this narc had not called me. The narc had lied with a motive in mind. What was this narc trying to pull?
Nevertheless, it was a nice try, but I have been so schooled on this “fake text message” as a trick to hoover me in that I no longer respond to it. I took it for the fact that it was another lie of the narc to make sure I was secure and had not pulled away far enough to be lost as narcissistic supply. After the phone conversation we had the day before, it was apparent to me that the narc knew that I would most likely pull away because there was a long silence when the narc rudely interrupted me as I was talking. After the narc’s attack, it was obvious to both of us that I was shutting down. Although I remained calm on the call and simply reacted as if to blow off the behavior and even make a joke about the rudeness of it all, I had inwardly retreated, and I know that the narc knew this much. The attack was designed to hurt me.
Needless to say, I did not respond to the narc’s text. I remained silent for the day. I had pulled away, and I knew that the narc was aware of this. Yet, did this narc even bother to consider why I might have pulled away? Even if the narc did consider the reason for my going no-contact for the day, that was not going to cause the narc to realize that the hurt the narc inflicted upon me deserved any acknowledgment in the form of an apology. That is never what hoovers are about anyway. The narc did not text to apologize. The narc texted to keep the narcissistic supply needed from me secure. There was no verbal conversation, and there most likely will not be any verbal conversations for a while under the circumstances. I know how this works. It’s a cycle of abuse. The next time the narc does actually talk to me, I will be idealized again with gratitude and compliments.
I Wish I Was Cold And Callous
I wish I could be cold and callous like the narc, but being cold and callous requires too much energy, and I feel that my energy has been utterly depleted by this particular narcissist anyway. Plus, I am not cold and callous by nature even to my worst enemy. It is not until I have had absolutely enough that I mirror back to a narc who they have been in my life. That is when I have decided undoubtedly to go no-contact and shut them out of my life for good.
So when the narc sent a text a day later (after the narcissistic attack) saying that the narc’s family had been shaken by death, I responded with my condolences. I did not even give a second thought that I was limiting contact with this narc because my mind immediately trailed to the fact the loss of a loved one is impactfully hurtful. It never occurred to me that this text from the narc was also another way to get me to actually respond. I had not responded the day before. I had not acknowledged the narc’s oops text at all. In fact, I was not planning to respond the next day afterwards either, but then this new text elicited my sympathy for the narc’s family.
It was only after my response to the narc’s text that I realized that narcissists stop at nothing to keep getting their narcissistic supply even if that means using their family’s grief for the expense. Not to say that narcs do not grieve for the loss of loved ones, but I have seen far too many narcs during these times of bereavement to know that these are just other ways to secure narcissistic supply and circulate enough attention for themselves even if it was the parent, sibling, or child of a narc that passed away. That may sound crazy, but it is true, and I have experienced it from being around narcissists too many times. Many narcissists never show their grief for a loved one. Narcs simply do not mourn. If there were tears, I could always discern that the tears were fake and had absolutely nothing to do with the dead loved one. The tears were for procuring narcissistic supply.
Hooked Again But Still Learning
Anyway, it appears that I have been hooked again by the narcissist with death being a reason to hook me. I still plan to keep my distance though. I have surveyed my emotions where this fourth narcissist is concerned, and I am completely drained of any energy to deal with this narc. I am completely drained. I feel like I am at the place of simply wanting it to all end … just be over for good. I am at the place now of wishing I had never overridden so many red flags that I saw but did not understand in the very beginning. Although I cannot go back, I can still learn. Even now, I still learn. This narc, like so many others, has taught me so, so much about the subtle mind games that narcs play to keep their victims sucked into their narcissistic vortex of craziness.
So do narcissists sense when you pull away? Yes. Yes, they do.
My Voice Unchained 