Narcissists – Always One Upping

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Narcissists Are The Ultimate One Uppers

Anything you can do, narcissists claim to do better. Narcissists claim to do anything better than you. Narcissists are the ultimate one-uppers. They have no chill. Everything is a competition, and there is not anything that you have not done that narcissists have not done either – and much better. As a matter of fact, I guarantee that narcissists will always have a story to tell that will top yours any day.

What Is One Upping?

One upping means that a person keeps one step ahead of you in that the person has an advantage over you through competition. This competition can be known or unknown, but in most cases when dealing with narcissists, you may not be aware of this competition. You may only become aware of one upping the more it tends to occur.

One upping is just one of many ways that narcissists gain and maintain control over you. Yet, narcissists are NOT the only ones who one up others. Many of us may have occasionally been involved in social interactions involving one upping another person. One upping can naturally find its way into conversations quite easily when there is comparison.

However, one upping becomes a problem when there are a few people that engage in it excessively. Many people with narcissistic traits are prone to one upping because they are naturally competitive people. Their need to be better than you has more to do with them than you. Yet, in the moment that these one upping competitions occur, I can honestly admit that I am not always thinking about their issues. I am annoyed that they are being so petty. One upping is a great annoyance, and I dread having conversations when I know that one upping is likely to occur.

Why Do Narcissists One Up?

When I was in high school, I would always feel insecure and out of place in social situations. Those times of being around others during topics of comparisons always made me feel the need to make myself better regarding my experiences – both good and bad. So I would add on to my stories and exaggerate because I did not want to feel less than. But, the school librarian, also a great mentor to me, once told me something that stuck with me. She said that someone is always going to be prettier, smarter, and more gifted than me, but someone is also going to be uglier, dumber, and less gifted than me too. No matter what, though, I am always going to be me.

I learned that there are lanes for everyone, and as long as I stay in my lane, I can stick to improving myself for the better. For whatever reason, what the librarian said has always stuck with me, and any time I feel the need for comparison, I always remember that I have a lane. I choose to stay in my lane. I am totally comfortable with me. I realize that I am unique and original in my own way. Narcissists can one up as much as they want, but I know the truth.

Narcissists mainly one up because they want to create meaning in their lives. They believe their happiness and their suffering should be a little more interesting than yours. After all, they believe they are more important. So, if they have to exaggerate or dramatize stories, they will … even if what you hear them say sounds outlandish and ridiculous, they will do it just so their story sounds a whole lot better than yours.

The woundedness from childhood trauma within narcissists has a need to be seen, heard, and accepted. The narcissists’ need to one up is ultimately their need to boost their self-esteem and self-importance. Yet, at the same time, narcissists also seek to minimize and belittle your own experiences in comparison. For whatever reason, narcissists do not believe their light can shine alongside your light, that you can stand alongside them, or that you can be pegged on the same notch. So narcissists have to dim your light, push you off the pedestal, and knock you down a notch.

Ways to Handle One Upping Narcissists

Let’s face it, every time you are involved with one uppers, you are bound to become frustrated with the constant battle of comparisons. Even if you are not engaging, it is still a tedious feat to put up with one uppers. Yet, there are ways to handle narcissists and their one upping games. Even if the person who’s one upping is not a narcissist, the solution is still the same.

1. You can put up with it.
   • Just expect that a one upper is going to one up whenever there is going to be conversation.
2. You can address it.
   • If you do address one upping with a narcissist, do so gently but still be assertive. Perhaps letting the narcissist know that you care about their experiences is a start. But also let the narcissist know that just as much as you care about their experiences, you would like to be heard as well.
3. You can sympathize or find commonality with the one upper’s experiences.
   • It may be that the one upper is insecure, is socially awkward, has low self-esteem, or feels out of place.
4. Whatever the case, dealing with one uppers requires a lot of patience. When you do not have patience and have put up with all you can stand, then you can decide to remove yourself from the one upper altogether. Just know that one upping is a part of narcissists’ competitive games. Basically all narcissists love to one up.

Stay tuned for some of my personal experiences with one upping narcissists in my next post.