Life As I Knew It Has Slipped Away

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Life As I Knew It Has Slipped Away

Since resigning from my job last year, my life is no longer the same. I am no longer a professional career woman. I no longer work in the traditional sense. I am now living life in a retired state. From time to time, I work gigs. My life is drastically different. I live to make my own rules about work, and I love it!

As much as I am finding peace in my new life, one narcissist that I referred to as The Sinister Minister in a previous post has a problem with it. Each time she calls me, she always wants to know what I am going to do about my life. I say the same thing like a broken record. “Nothing … I am going to do absolutely nothing but enjoy this time in my life.” This always seems to irritate her.

I did not tell her for weeks that I was working a side gig because I could already discern that she would have disdain for it. Yet, during a candid conversation regarding issues in her life, I brought my side gig up. Somehow, it neatly fit into the conversation. I did not think she would give it any other thought, but for whatever reason, she pondered over it. Now, my side gig is all she can talk about as she sometimes sarcastically refers to it as my “little side hustle” all while I hear the hint of envy within her voice that I am earning extra money.

It is surreal to me that she is fascinated by my life in a way that I have very little concern and stress about. She always gives me the impression that my life right now is a waste. She does not even have to say it. It is her energy that wreaks of disdain that she gives off that lets me know that she disapproves of my current life choices. I do not know why this is the case. Most narcissists would be thrilled at the appearance of my life demise. However, this narcissist, The Sinister Minister, cares a little too much.

The Process Of A Friendship?

Before I knew for certain that The Sinister Minister was indeed a narcissist, I thought she was a God-sent friend. She started working at the same company where I was employed three years before I left. I noticed her in my peripheral view but did not immediately connect with her. As a matter of fact, it took me quite a while to warm up to her because I did not feel like we meshed completely. Something was off, but I could not readily put my finger on it and thought that maybe I needed time to warm up to her. After all, I am an introvert, and I do not make friends easily.

I eventually did warm up to her, but it did not take long for me to notice a lot of her narcissistic ways. Her narcissistic ways were very subtle in the beginning … so subtle that I would question whether I was seeing and hearing what I was seeing and hearing. I started taking note of her ways, but at the same time, I also kept my distance. For a time, she kept her distance as well, but I believe that was because she was establishing narcissistic supply via other means. So at the time, I was not an essential figure for her nor an asset.

Over time, I let my guard down, and The Sinister Minister and I became friends. Yet, I found that I was still very cautious about her and could not figure out completely why. Unlike other narcissists that I have known, The Sinister Minister is different even with the familiar narcissistic traits she displays. Mainly, I think it is her level of execution regarding what she says and does that causes me to think.

Yet, she has some familiar traits that remind of my parents when she is hinting around about things that she wants or in the way that she questions what I do to infer that I should give more thought to what I am doing. Needless to say, it is behavior that I do not like because she seems to behave as if she is God in my life and that she knows better than I do. She is super spiritual but seems to be lacking on the spiritual depth that really matters to me. That was my other red flag about her that something was off (considering that she claims we are very similar spiritually).

Nevertheless, over the course of three years time on the job, I saw her rising in positions, and I was always rooting for her. When I was elevated to a new position, I believed that she was in my corner as well. In fact, she was constantly giving me notes and various gifts of encouragement quite frequently. My new position was good for me and made me extremely happy. I felt I was in my element more than I had ever been since I had been working at the company, but it was a tough position because I was constantly having to battle with two colleagues (teammates) that made my position a lonely one. I was always on guard. I always had to watch my back. One of my teammates is a narcissist and the other readily became her flying monkey. So, during this phase of my life (which was only a little over a year), The Sinister Minister seemed to be an angel in disguise for me.

She seemed to listen to me and my problems, but in retrospect, that was all an illusion. She was really only gathering data to use against me later. In fact, I got a huge clue that gathering data was exactly what she was doing when she would ask me from time to time to restate something that I had said during a previous conversation. Once, I actually paused in our phone conversation and asked her if she were recording me or taking notes. She laughed and said that I was being silly. In response, I took a step back and began to survey our conversations and take notes myself to figure out her purpose. Yet, as soon as I figured out her purpose, I had already had enough of dealing with narcissistic vultures on the job. To her surprise and the surprise of so many others, I turned in my letter of resignation. The shock from many of my colleagues which included great people as well as narcissists and their enablers was astonishing. Narcissists, including The Sinister Minister, had to process this sudden change with me and regroup.

When I decided I had my fill of the toxic work environment for too long and decided to resign, I was truly not expecting that I would remain friends with anyone that I had not known for very long, and this included The Sinister Minister. I wondered what we could possibly have in common as I took note of the many things that we did not share in common even when it came to very deep topics. It just made sense that we would wither away in each other’s lives, but that has not been the case. In fact, the more I desire to break away from her, the more she seems to find reasons to cling. It is a strange situation. Bit by bit, I have broken off ties with other people I once worked with – even those I maintained seemingly good connections with. It just made since to break ties with everyone being that it was a toxic environment.

Despite me breaking away, The Sinister Minister continuously brings the drama of the workplace back to me as she vents and tells me about all the events taking place. For a time, I felt like I was somewhat still connected to the working environment. I had been there for years longer than even The Sinister Minister. So my emotions about the place would still elevate when she told me something that I did not like or that frustrated me. I later realized that I desired to hear less and participate less in these conversations with her. I am no longer in that toxic work environment, and even when I was there, it was never my desire to compete with anyone. I no longer wanted to hear about a place that my heart was once tied to, and I did not understand why The Sinister Minister did not comprehend this.

Filling My Shoes

Since closing the door to my old work life, I have closed the door on a number of “relationships”. I finally ended my ties with another narcissist who I have referred to in previous posts as The Professional Gaslighting Narcissist (PGN). It was a painful process of closure for me because I believed in the illusion that the PGN and me were friends, but I came to realized slowly and surely that the PGN literally hates me. The PGN utterly detests me. Once I came to this realization based on numerous situations in hindsight, I closed the door on this narcissistic frenemy for good. Yet, somehow, I still have to hear about her from The Sinister Minister.

In the beginning, The Sinister Minister voiced her dislike of the PGN and did not understand the friendship I had with her. Of course, I had known the PGN much longer than I had known The Sinister Minister. So it would make sense for her not to understand the “friendship”. The Sinister Minister always complained how the PGN came off as rude to her even without saying a word. I thought nothing of it even though I was experiencing narcissistic abuses via the PGN’s hand. As time went on, however, my new job responsibilities placed me less and less in the PGN’s presence, and I saw her less and less.

Yet, in hindsight, I could see The Sinister Minister slithering around the PGN’s best friend. I always thought it was strange how she seemed infatuated with the PGN’s flying monkey (best friend). It was later that I began to realize that The Sinister Minister played the flying monkey up to me to cause me to question my own status in the PGN’s life even though I never had a problem with the best friends forever status that the PGN and her flying monkey have always had with each other. I was never jealous of their friendship. I treated their bond separately from the friendship I had with the PGN. So, it took me a while to catch on to The Sinister Minister’s game. Now that I am no longer in the picture where my previous job is concerned, I can see The Sinister Minister’s game clearly.

In fact, The Sinister Minister mentions the PGN quite a lot to me now, and prior to my not realizing that The Sinister Minister is a narcissist, I had confided in her about my struggles with the PGN in the past. So now, The Sinister Minister is using all of the information I told her against me. It is almost as if she takes pleasure in bringing the PGN up to me to see and hear my reaction. The Sinister Minister knew how hurt I was over my coming to the decision to break contact from the PGN, and despite my grief, The Sinister Minister was actually angry about my grief to the point that she “punished me” with the silent treatment for a week.

Currently, it appears to be that The Sinister Minister is playing some type of game with me. I get the impression that she wants me to forgive the PGN and move on and be friends again with her, but for me it is not a matter of forgiveness. I am not bitter. It is not a matter of being friends. Narcissists do not have friends. They have enablers and victims. I can forgive and move on at the same time. I have chosen to move on. It is a done deal. I have chosen to protect myself from any further pain from the PGN, but now it looks like I need to protect myself from The Sinister Minister because now she talks up the PGN so much to where the PGN seems like the perfect friend that I was all wrong about. For me, that is an issue.

The one red flag that I have about The Sinister Minister now is that she seems to be siding with the very person who has cause me enormous heartache. Why is she taking sides with a narcissist that she once herself proclaimed not to have liked? Only other narcissists and enablers or flying monkeys defend narcissists. Because of this alarming red flag, I have taken a step back from The Sinister Minister. It has suddenly become overwhelmingly clear to me that The Sinister Minister means me no good. She means me no good at all. While I have been missing in action from my previous job, The Sinister Minister has been moving into place attempting to fill my shoes. In so many ways, she is attempting to masquerade as me.

I have noticed how The Sinister Minister has inserted herself into places I once resided on the job, and she has inserted herself into circles where the PGN mingles. I was alarmed when The Sinister Minister sent me a copy of a text from a group chat that included the PGN and her best friend (the flying monkey). Now, all of a sudden, a person that The Sinister Minister did not even like is a person she praises in a group chat. Apart from being alarmed, I was flabbergasted, and I felt a sense of betrayal. I was flabbergasted because I did not know that The Sinister Minister was a part of this “inner circle” of people that were once my inner circle of so-called “friends”. I felt a sense of betrayal because I immediately realized that The Sinister Minister was attempting to fill my shoes as a new friend to the PGN.

The realization hit me strongly from the mouth of the PGN herself when she had told me a few years back when The Sinister Minister began working on the job that she did not trust her. Wow! Narcissist can point each other out, but will also stand together when there is common ground to do so. So how is this going to work? The Sinister Minister and the PGN are both narcissists. Neither of them even like each other, and both have made claims where I was privy to hearing them say so. Yet, I do know that narcissists come together for a common goal, and I also know that when a narcissist has ever been out to get me, they seek out someone else that I once had connections with to help take me down. So, take a moment to think about how I might actually feel about all of this. Here are two people that obviously despise me, and both were up to no good the moment they individually met me. So despite my dismay at the connection I see The Sinister Minister attempting to form with the PGN, I really should not be too surprised at all. This is more of a reason for me to cut The Sinister Minister out of my life for good.

Narcissists Need You More Than You Need Them

In hindsight, I realize that The Sinister Minister needs me on some level to “match” her. She has not yet found her narcissistic supply source and would much rather me be someone she can continue to come after for destruction, but I am not much “gameplay” anymore. I have not been ambitiously driven to do anything to change my current circumstances in her eyes, and for whatever reason, she desires that I return back to work. She feels that I was such a great asset to the work environment, and she believes that my work is still unfinished despite what I think. I disagree, of course, and I proudly proclaim my pleasure at being out from among that corporate den of evil. I will never go back. I have no desire to go back. I am done, and I do not care what my life looks like to her. I do not care if I appear as one without ambition. I am taking a much needed break. I am resting, and I am earning money when I want to do so without any pressure.

I have come to realize that the Sinister Minister wants my life, but she cannot actively keep up with my current life now because I am not working. Although she has recreated my life into her life on a smaller scale by purchasing a similar car to my current car, gathering herself amongst a group of people that I was a part of at one time, and attempting to do things as I once did on the job to become known, she will never be me. Currently, she irritates me because she is always behaving in a manner that she has now surpassed me even after only working on this job that I left for less than five years. She calls me and talks incessantly to me about work as if she is educating me regarding a job I worked well in for over 20 years. She speaks condescendingly about my current life and and my lack of change.

In fact, I have never seen a narcissist so furious about the lack of ambition she believes I have when what I choose to do with my life is none of her business anyway. She finds my not caring about competition and material things to be rather alarming since she believes having my previous job once afforded me with a “good life”. She claims that she is so concerned about my financial well-being as if I am so mentally challenged not to know how to take care of myself. Frankly, my life is still good. My life is better, actually. By leaving my old place of employment, I walked away from a den of narcissists along with other toxic personalities. I wake up less stressed and more engrossed in the beauty of living and not just existing. I take deep breaths now because I can soak in the moment. I am free to do whatever I want, and when I want to earn some money, I am talented enough in my God-given gifts that I can do so.

Leaving my former place of employment has enabled me to narrow down the immediate lists of narcissists within my life. There are now three narcissists who I am making plans to stop all contact with, but only one of those narcissists is still connected to that old job. It has been a slow process for me. It is crazy to look back and realize my inner caution was all the red flag that I needed to not succumb to a narcissistic friendship, but I supposed there is always a purpose to learning and growing. What could be better than that? What could be better? Not having to endure another narcissistic drama-laden friendship would be better, and I feel that once I get through breaking these current toxic bonds, I will hopefully avoid future entanglements. I have surely learned and endured enough lessons. I am longing for the life that I know now with narcissistic bondage to slip away.