Mirroring The Toxic

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Mirroring The Toxic

On a constant basis I find myself reflecting on my own behavior as it relates to narcissistic traits, and of course, I know that I have the traits. It would be remiss for me to say that I do not have narcissistic traits since I come from a family of narcissists.

So from time to time, based on the narcissists I am around, I often stop to check myself to discern what traits I have mirrored when I survey the situations going on in my life. There are plenty of times that I simply do not like myself because I do not like the reflection that I see in the mirror.

Yet, I know that the more often that I am around narcissists, the more their behaviors will influence me. Bad company corrupts. Even when I do not know from the start that a person that I become affiliated with is a narcissist and a seemingly “good” friend, the person is still bad company. A narcissists is always bad company even when they come with their illusions.

Narcissists mirror my good qualities until sometimes when I look at them, I can seem elements of myself. Those are the times that I literally feel like I am not me. Watching narcissists in action while they are mirroring the best of me makes me sit back in awe as the they walk around pretending to be someone they are not.

Oddly, I once thought that this was a sincere compliment to me and the narcissists’ version of flattery until I realized that my identity was being stolen right before my eyes, and I did not have the ability to even speak on it because I knew no one would believe me. I have always found this to be a rather cool but insidious masterminding trick that narcissists use knowing that I can publicly do nothing about it without looking crazy. That is all a part of their method to gaslighting me too. They know what they are doing.

Mirror, Mirror I Am Not Myself

Needless to say, while they are masquerading my qualities as their own, I am walking around mirroring the worst of them, and I can often feel this at the most inconvenient of times. It is then that I am often reminded that my choice to engage in any friendship should be based on wise and sound reasoning. Yet, it will then occur to me that I did not actually choose narcissists as friends. In each and every instance, all of the narcissists in my life chose me.

In hindsight, these are not even people that were remotely ever on my radar to even want to entangle myself with, and in retrospect, that has always been the the greatest of red flags waving in the wind to me. I would never intentionally choose a narcissist as my friend. My internal discernment does not allow me to do so.

No, I am not some innocent target, but I was a target. I was an unprepared target who still has a lot of healing to do. In fact, I can say I just did not use the tools available to me to avoid such entanglements with the narcissists I am desperately trying to rid myself of now. If only I knew then what I know now I could have and would have avoided so much heartache and trouble.

Instead, I find myself in continuous reflection regarding all of the things about me that need to change because I do not like me when I feel like I resemble a narcissist. I do no like when I display narcissistic traits. I am reminded of the people I do not wish to be like at all. That is when I reflectively wonder if narcissists feel any emotional reflection regarding their negative traits because I sure feel sad when dealing with negative traits of my own.

I do not like viewing myself in the mirror regarding my physical appearance when I feel as if I am ugly based on the narcissistic traits I feel I display. I do not like myself at all right now, and I feel as I am in a negative head space right now too. I feel tons of anger and plenty of pent up agitation. I feel these negative emotions come through most often when I am driving and when I must interact with other motorists on the highway.

I know that I am most myself when I demonstrate grace and patience when driving. I know that I am most myself when I feel at peace when driving and nothing phases me about the negative behaviors of others on the highway. As of late, I have had to fight back the urge to just “go off” on others, and for me, that is not okay. That signifies that I am not okay.

I Am Not Okay

I have been experiencing great changes as of late. I am aging, and the signs of aging have become quite visible to me. I am experiencing the unpleasantness of menopause. Yet, I am also at peace. I am in the greatest state of peace that I have been in my life in a long time. I no longer have to work around narcissists. I have creative control over my work. The work I do now is basically work that I create for myself. I can choose how often I want to intermingle with others. I can take myself out of situations that no longer cultivate my peace. If I must work around narcissists, I can control how often I choose to do so. Frankly, I choose not to, and that is even better. Yet, I am not okay.

I am not okay because I do not like the view of myself in the mirror. I often feel like there is narcissistic residue left from having been surrounded by so many narcissists over the past few years. I often feel anger that I allowed myself to continue on in those situations with narcissists past a certain expiration point. That is my own fault, of course, and I take full responsibility for it. I take full responsibility for not walking away from narcissists when I could have and when I should have. I know that I still have a lot of growing, learning, healing, and changing to do.

I know that I obviously attracted these narcissists for various reasons and one that I continuously come to terms with is that I have narcissistic traits too. Although I know these traits do not make me a narcissist, I despise these traits nonetheless. I despise how these traits make me feel, and I despise the fact that I behave in a manner in which I have hated receiving as treatment by narcissists too. I hate that I feel like I could be a narcissist even though I know that I am not one. I hate that I often mirror what is toxic.

I Do Not Like Mirroring The Toxic

I do not like mirroring the toxic. I grieve as I think about who I sometimes fear I am becoming. Those are the times that I feel I am less of who I am supposed to be. Those are the times that I feel that I have lost sight of who I really am. I am like an open book and far too many people I know have read me … far too many narcissists (that is), and somehow that makes them believe that they somehow know me. Somehow that makes them believe that they can mirror me in a way that takes the best of who I am from me.

I know I cannot blame narcissists for the narcissistic traits that I have, but hanging around them so much has not helped me to strengthen my own character. Instead, I feel that they have surrounded me only to tear me down. I guess that is their purpose. What else are they good for? I once heard that narcissists were good for making those like myself stronger if they did not kill me first. Good grief! I feel dead already! Where is my life? When I look in the mirror, who is this that stares back at me? Do I know her? Better yet, does she know me?

I no longer want to mirror the toxic. I no longer want to mirror narcissistic traits. I want to be myself again. I want to be okay. I want to feel okay. I want to mirror the me that I am supposed to be. I don’t care to even be the fairest of them all. I simply care that I am the one who no longer bears these horrible narcissistic traits. I want to be healthy and free. I want a different reflection.