Did I Miss My Chance?

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Character Analyses

I was watching a clip from an old television show in which the two main characters were finally walking down the wedding aisle after years of obstacles within their relationship. What the show explained as obstacles were really toxic behavior patterns from two people who simply did not know how to love. The female character was an enabler and had put up with so much from the man that she loved, and she had weathered through so many storms with him including his infidelity that led to his first child with another woman.

Right up until the point of marriage, the female character remained faithful to her husband-to be despite his leaving the altar at the point of their nuptials to take a phone call that later had him rushing to the hospital to be present for the birth of his firstborn child (with another woman). Although he proclaimed his love for his bride-to-be while at the marital altar, he was once again putting her on hold for the consequences of his selfish behavior. The male character went on to become a first time father further entangling his fiance into his affairs with another woman.

The male character had several toxic character traits of a narcissist. The female character had many toxic traits that made her an enabler. I recall always being angry about the character developments from this show, but that is what made the writing so good (I thought). I could clearly see the toxicity within this relationship, but over time, I would grow greatly aggravated by it all. For a period of time, I simply could not watch the show because the female character was in such denial of her fiancé’s narcissistically abusive behavior. It angered me that she would allow such toxic behavior to continue. It angered me even more that she would succumb to her own personal depravity because she refused to believe that her pain was the result of accepting her fiancé-turned-husband’s toxic behavior.

Nonetheless, I found myself watching this clip from the show and bursting into tears as a song played in the background. I recall wondering with a thought that occurred within my emotions instead of my brain. I could feel the thought I had in that moment arise from somewhere deep – as if the thought had been buried deep to only resurface. I wondered whether I had missed my chance of the ideal life that I could be living now because of my lifelong entanglements with narcissists. I wondered had I missed my chance.

How A Scene From Small Clip Showed Me My Life

To be honest, I am not even sure why I came to such strong emotions upon viewing the clip of the scene from the show. I could see the toxicity of this couple’s relationship for what it was on the show. Yet, I came to to tears and felt a little emotionally distraught over the thought that my time had passed for ever being free of narcissistic entanglements. I simply pondered over the lives of the characters and realized that the female would was pledging herself to continued toxicity and abuse by choosing to marry the male character despite his “flaws”. In my past life, I could not even do that to myself. I chose not to marry a narcissist because I simply could not spend the rest of my life being miserable in marriage.

Yet, what was portrayed on this show about the male character were not just flaws. Those flaws were actually his toxic behavior patterns that he and everyone else around him excused away. It was unfortunate that even his fiancé had tolerated his toxic behavior towards her. I realized that I had stopped watching this show because the clip I viewed was a scene from the season finale. If the female character was going to marry the male character and hope for a great future despite his “character flaws” then nothing about their life or the couple’s lives together mirrored what I wanted for myself.

The characters did marry, and I no longer watched the show because the plot would continue to be the same. The male character would continue to disrespect the female character with his narcissistically cruel behavior, and the female character would continue to enable it all. That is not the life I wanted for myself. That is not the life I want. That is not “life”, but that is life that many of us grow accustomed to experiencing. Yet, sadly, this is the life that I continued to live even though the plot of my life is very different. The result is just the same. I tolerated a lot of narcissistic abuse, and I suffered the horrible consequences of having accepted it over and over again. These were not even simply romantic relationships, but the majority were friendships all with the common theme. I enabled narcissistic behavior in my life, and that is what perhaps struck me by the scene of this clip. Had I missed my chance? Had I missed my chance to be free?

Did I Miss My Chance?

When it came to the small clip I saw, I could only tear up. I cried for a while. It was strange. I cried as a person experiencing overwhelming pangs of grief. In thought, I wondered if I had missed my chance. I wondered if this would be the only life I would ever know … that of a person constantly dealing with narcissists, that of a person always trying to untangle myself from narcissistic relationships, and that of a person who loves others unconditionally but is not loved in return. For the latter part, it is basically impossible that I would ever be loved in return by a narcissists because from my experience with each narcissist I have ever dealt with, I have never been loved by them at all. I have only been lauded in regards to how well I have made them feel and how well I gave forth all of myself for their narcissistic supply.

Although I reflected on my reaction to the clip of the scene, I reflected more on why the scene affected me so deeply. I realize now that I am fearful that I may have missed my chance to have a life free from narcissists because it always seems that these narcissists move through a revolving door in my life. However, I also realize that being free from narcissists is something I am slowly at work on right now. To free myself has been time-consuming, but I have learned so much about narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic abuse, and enabling behaviors that I need to change within myself to have greater freedom from narcissists. I am working on me, and although it has been a slow process, I have seen growth even in the midst of what often feels like tremendous setbacks.

So … did I miss my chance? No. I do not think so. I still have life within me and so much life to live. I suppose I will only miss the chance when I continue to remain in such confining relationships with narcissistic individuals. I only miss my chance to be free of narcissistic relationships when I continue to remain in narcissistic relationships. Although I am working to untangle myself and disengage, the process is a lot harder for me since my life as always involved the integration with a narcissist. I suppose this means I will miss my chance [to be free of narcissists] if I do not take an internal look at myself as to why I continue t hang on. Stay tuned for more in my journey.