And So I Cry: The Sinister Minister Is Gone

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And So I Cry

I did not come to the realization that I needed to sever ties with The Sinister Minister recently. I knew the moment I saw red flags. Yet, I waited. So now I cry. I cry because although I knew this connection needed to end, I sincerely did not expect to end so soon. I thought I had time, but time was not on my side. What was on my side was a sort of desperation to be free from narcissistic abuse.

I cry because I verbally severed ties with The Sinister Minister to free myself from an ongoing and insidious narcissistic cycle of abuse. I had grown tired of the invisible mind games of gaslighting, blame shifting, and silent innuendos of maltreatment. I had grown resentful of the bewitching ways of a person who calls herself a minister of God. I had grown weary of a person who treated me with such disdain and retaliating envy that being in her very presence literally made me ill.

The Sinister Minister was draining the very life from me, but to her defense, I was helping her. I knowingly continued to allow myself to grow closer to her as a friend despite feeling pricked with concerns about her various troubling behaviors from the start. Although I did confront some things that bothered me head on, other things I swept under a rug. If I did address concerns, she would excuse it away with “I did not know” or “I’m sorry” only to repeat the bothersome behaviors at other times.

Usually, I remained quiet because I was often baffled as to why The Sinister Minister did not see a problem with her own behavior. Plus, much of the sinister things that she did were so subtle and manipulative that it was difficult to call her on things that I could not prove. It was a higher level of gaslighting that could not be determined with just the naked eye. There was a spiritual component to nearly everything she did, and that was all a part of her method to manipulate and control.

Finally, after nearly four years, I said goodbye. I created my own form of closure. I created my own type of discard, and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do since meeting with The Identity Thief (from previous blog posts). I have been on a roll this year with cutting narcissists out of my life, and it all started last year with resigning from a toxic workplace. Needless to say, if tears are collected in heaven, then I am going to have buckets filled with enough tears to make rain for this past year alone.

The Fallout

The severing of ties from people does not come easy for me. In fact, it is quite an agonizing task. For this particular ending chapter, I agonized over my contact with The Sinister Minister for an entire day. We had met two days prior to the ending event for a casual evening meal. I was already feeling exhausted, and this dinner made that exhaustion even worse. We had agreed to meet at a designated time. It was always normal for either of us to text each other when we were near the destination. This was not the case this time. She arrived to the location early and texted to let me know she was waiting.

Strangely, I felt a sudden urgency within me that our meeting was not going to go well. I could tell by the tone of her text that she was angry even though her text simply said she had arrived to the location and was waiting. I automatically felt the impression that I was “late” even though she showed up 15 minutes earlier than either of us had planned and even talked about. When I finally did arrive to the location, it was apparent to me that she was unsettled, but I did not know the reason. I watched her body language, and I quickly discerned something I had only heard in her voice over the phone. There was a strangeness in her behavior, and I was quickly aware that my five senses were operating to their fullest capacity.

I could literally taste, smell, touch, hear, and see the atmosphere engulfing us. I could sense her rage. Within her body, she was hiding her rage. Her rage was masked by a smile and jovial laughter that seemed over the top to me. She never could directly look me in the eye. I had seen this behavior before, and I instantly remembered that these were the usual displays from The Identity Thief, but I also recalled my mother. My mother behaved this way when she was enraged against me for whatever reason. By the side view and position of her body, The Sinister Minister reminded me of my mother!

Once we sat down to eat in the restaurant, we began talking about different things. One thing that was always a topic was her life at work. I always listened to her because I knew that life at work well. I could relate. We were once colleagues. So it was easy to talk about work even though I have not been there for over a year. Yet, I had become agitated over time with these conversations since work was and still is such a toxic environment. I have severed ties, and even though I had mentioned on occasion how these conversations were sometimes draining, I respected that The Sinister Minister often needed to vent because work was and still is such a toxic place.

Anyway, we talked about work, and I shared information that I had learned regarding recent work events. The Sinister Minister did not like this at all. I could feel a pull within the conversation. Since my discernment was highly elevated because of her subtle behaviors, I had a certain sensitivity to what was happening within the atmosphere. There was nothing about her behavior that escaped me throughout the dinner. Her vocal inflections, tone, and movements signified that something was wrong. I was highly sensitive and aware of what was happening, and my mind was making mental notes too.

The Sinister Minister corrected me several times about work events that I was told about from a different point of view. Since some things mentioned were not things that she knew about firsthand. Yet, even still, she devalued me within the conversation with subtle jabs and unkind remarks. The remarks were not necessarily formed in a way that I should have taken them to be directed towards me, but I knew underneath the surface that they were indeed directed towards me.

She gaslighted me several times as if to say that I could not have heard the information I shared correctly even though I had. She deflected throughout the conversation and even loudly talked over me. It was clear that I was not going to be able to engage in sensible conversation with her. I had not intended on an argument at all. I thought we were just talking about events and workplace gossip, but she seemed to be taking everything I said personally as if I was attacking her. I no longer even work there!

I had to stop and quickly survey my own feelings. I suddenly realized that I was on the defense even though there was really no reason I needed to feel defensive. I became quiet and began to listen to my body, and I began to watch her. She was angry, and I was really confused as to the reason. It all became clear. In fact, it all became so clear to me that I realized that none of her behavior had anything directly to do with the conversation itself. She was angry with me! I was her problem. Yet, there was absolutely nothing that I had discussed that was a negative reflection of her. She was just being obstinate within the conversation just to be obstinate.

It was during the moment of my insightfulness that I realized that I no longer wanted to do this anymore. I no longer wanted to be the emotional punching bag for this narcissist. I could clearly see her insecurity. There was a fearful look in her eyes. In fact, there were many different expressions that came across her face that I could see through her eyes. The longer I sat in front of her and saw her expressions, the harder it hit home with me that there was nothing I could say to sway what she already felt about me. There was never going to be change. She is who she is, and I just needed to accept that. I did. I accept that she is a narcissist.

I sat before her and took it all in. I knew it was over between us. I knew I had to shut the door on this toxicity. I knew I had to end what I perceived as a friendship. It was an overwhelming sense of knowing, and I was deeply saddened by it. I sat thinking that she resembled my mother without actually physically resembling my mother. She behaved as my mother would behave, and that was frightening to me. She had the same piercing look in her eyes that I have seen numerous times on other narcissists that I have known. I knew there was no going back.

There was a vindictiveness behind The Sinister Minister’s glare towards me, and I knew it all too well. I was done trying to explain myself. The Sinister Minister had taken the offensive over a conversation about work – a place I no longer had the desire to be and a place that I had been released from over a year ago. I could tell by her body language that she was containing her rage against me. I attempted to backtrack within my mind what may have caused her anger prior to my arrival.

Apart from the anger being a build-up over time, I could not really decide. As of late, however, with my new part time job, I did not have the same amount of time to devote to conversations with her. In fact, just as she always played phone games with me as a way to narcissistically abuse me, karma came back to her when I had to hang up the phone because I was legitimately busy. Whatever the case concerning her anger during dinner, she seemed unhinged, and I knew this inner rage well. It is the type of emotion that vibrates within the body as if the person might explode because the containment is too strong to handle.

After we were making our move to finish up dinner and leave, The Sinister Minister immediately launched her silent treatment against me in a way that was strategic and subtle. She quickly began texting and voicing verbal notations on her phone. She never once looked at me again. She was freezing me out. There was nothing left for us to do but part ways, and so we did. When we both turned in the direction of our cars (which were parked next to each other), she mumbled inaudibly. When I asked her to repeat herself because I did not hear her, she ignored me. She seemed very angry, and I was mystified as to why, but she had shown up for our dinner angry too. She was just faking it and covering it up with laughter.

I asked her one more time if she had said something because she kept mumbling when our backs were towards each other at our cars, she turned and said she was texting a voice message. I stared at her waiting for eye contact that never came. I knew deep within me, that this moment would be the last time that I would ever physically be in her presence again. It was clear that this so-called friendship was done. It was over. For her, however, it was just another vicious cycle of devaluing me to a discard. I knew she had no idea that I was done. I knew that she was just doing what a narcissist does. She was clueless.

My Heart Could Not Go On

On my drive away from our dinner meeting, I knew I could not go on any further in a toxic friendship with her. I had to cut myself off from this narcissist. I had to do it soon. The fact that the appearance of my mother showed up as an apparition in bodily form that seemed to possess The Sinister Minister was baffling to me, but it was a clear and heartbreaking sign that this narcissist was unchanging and unrelenting in her ways. The Sinister Minister was not going to ever change. There was no sense in my hoping for this because I knew from experience with my own mother that change just does not happen. Narcissistic behaviors tend to worsen with time. Narcissists tend to worsen with time. Their negative behaviors actually become more entrenched within them.

I could see all of that during dinner as I sat in front of The Sinister Minister. I wondered with great reflection at what point in her life had she suffered great trauma. I wondered what had been done to her to make her lash out against others. I felt she had such great potential. She is super talented in a professional sense and gifted in ministry. Yet, she has a strong inclination towards revenge against others, and she lacks depth of empathy. She actually has no empathy at all. I have often marveled at this. How can one minister to others with no empathy? That is one reason I dub her as The Sinister Minister. She fakes empathy. She fakes compassion. She always finds a way to turn tragedies about others into situations about herself.

No … I knew my heart could not go on this way. I could not stay connected to such an empty person despite my hopes for her. She was draining me of my energy. She was draining me of my personality. She was forming her own identity by stealing pieces of mine. People at work had no clue. She had idolized me in the beginning, but now she had come to hate me. I suppose she saw I was just a regular person with a lot of flaws. Yet, she drained me still, and ended our time with no respect for me. In fact, I often saw from the corner of my eyes that she often stared at me with such deep contempt. This is why a say a narcissistic friend is really a close enemy.

And So I Cry

The very next day after the evening dinner, I awakened with a terrible migraine. The migraine felt so explosively painful, that I could not even get out of bed. It took me three hours just to lift myself up out of bed because my temples pulsated to a nauseating beat that sickened me. I literally felt as if I had been hit by a truck. This reminded me of the transference of sick energy I experienced with The Identity Thief. This time around felt no different either. I was sick. I could not even think straight. Despite not being able to do much else, I did block The Sinister Minister for the day. I went no-contact from her. I just did not have the energy to deal with her. Plus, I was expecting her to give me the silent treatment anyway since she had begun the silent treatment phase at the end of our dinner.

The day after the migraine, I woke up without the needed sleep but I felt strangely rested. The migraine was gone. The morning felt different. It felt different because in my heart I had already decided a change was on the horizon. I knew this new day was a day of endings for me. I was determined to end a so-called friendship. I was determined to walk free from a toxic situation. I no longer wanted to be friends with The Sinister Minister. I no longer wanted to be attached to my old job. I no longer wanted the stress of such a draining individual in my life. I no longer wanted to be friends with someone who was actually my enemy. I no longer wanted the friendship of a narcissist.

This time around, I prayed for release. I had counted the cost of walking away, but I wanted to be free. I had to be free. I knew I had to confront. Just in the way that I confronted The Identity Thief, I knew I had to confront The Sinister Minister. I knew I had to verbally express that I was ending the relationship. My reason would be similar as with The Identity Thief. I am on a journey that is no longer the same. I have chosen a different path. I must sever ties with the old path and walk a different way. This had more to do with me than The Sinister Minister. As with The Identity Thief, I never planned to mention her issues, her narcissism, or her path. The end was about me. Besides, I knew that mentioning anything about her would yield me nothing anyway. Even mentioning anything about myself might yield nothing, but I was determined to let go.

I never knew how doing so would break my heart. I was not prepared when it actually came time to let her go. I had forgotten that I had spent a day of no-contact from The Sinister Minister the day before, but I am glad I did because I needed that day to recuperate. I unblocked her because I wanted her to call. Just before I expected The Sinister Minister to call, I broke down in tears. I expected to have no emotions as I had with The Identity Thief on the day I cut her out of my life, but this situation was different. The Identity Thief came after me when she realized I had gone no-contact. The Sinister Minister did not do this, and I did not actually expect her to do this either. Of course, had I extended my no-contact, then The Sinister Minister would have shown up. Nevertheless, I felt broken. So I cried. I cried deeply. I was hurt. It was a loss. I was saying goodbye for good.

The Ending

When the Sinister Minister called me, it was not going to be the usual phone conversation. I was going to end it. We were done. On some level, I felt that she already knew something was up. I could hear a shakiness in her voice. She mentioned more than once that she was concerned about me but she never mentioned the reason. I knew she most likely could not reach me the day before because I had blocked her for no-contact. Yet, I did not acknowledge her concerns about me at all. I knew her concern were just a last ditched effort to show she idolized me. She was just testing the waters to see where my head was at. She was just using those words as a show of her fake empathy. She did not care about me as much as she cared about the narcissistic supply I provided her. I think she may have realized she might be losing me because it sounded like she was fearfully bracing herself for the impact.

Needless to say, I went straight to the point and did not waste time with the usual small chit chat of engagement I hate so much. I told her what was up … that our friendship had come to the end of its journey. I expressed how I had to severe ties with my old job for good and that included severing ties with former colleagues who still worked there. I was taking a different life path, but in order for me to be free of any cumbersome issues from the past, I needed to let go of her too so that I could move forward. I appealed to her in the sense that as a minister she would certainly understand that ending the journey with people just means their time is up for that part of our journey. She said that she understood. She sounded calm and unfeeling. Although I could hear defensiveness within her tone, she knew it was too late.

I cried all the way through my talk with her though. I was overwhelmed with great emotion. I had not realized just how much I did care for her as a friend. I felt heartbreak, and I think I was heartbroken over the imagery that I saw of my mother in her. This imagery was the finality of our friendship. I knew that true friendship just was not possible with The Sinister Minister. She mirrored the traits of a narcissist, and friendship with a narcissist is merely an illusion. Ultimately, I loved myself with her as she spent most of her time mirroring the reflection of me. When it comes to her as a person, I began to realize over time just how much I truly disliked her character. Even though I could see who she really was, I still loved her anyway. Yet, I was hoping against hope. I hoped that loving her was enough, but it never is for a narcissist. I had learned that with my mother.

When I expressed to The Sinister Minister the next steps that I was taking in my journey and how those next steps no longer included her, she seemed to take it better than I expected. Just like The Identity Thief, The Sinister Minister displayed no emotion whatsoever. She sounded solemn and strong. For all of my tears and cries, she remained calm. She emoted no energy. She apologized twice for any way that she had made me feel some type of way during out evening dinner. She sensed that maybe she had offended me. Yet, I discerned that she wanted more of an explanation from me. I sensed that she wanted me to blame her for something, but I chose not to do this. I was ended things my way. She had no control, and I believe this day caught her totally off guard because she was speechless. She basically had no choice but to listen to what I had to say. My voice was unchained.

In my experiences with narcissists in the past, blaming narcissists for what they know they have done against me would never work in my favor anyway. I did not want to debate or argue. It was pointless to do so. I just wanted it to be over. I was not giving her any more chances. There were no opportunities for reconciliation. I made that clear. If she did not believe she had ever done anything to hurt me throughout our friendship, then there was no point in me attempting to explain something she did not believe anyway. I cut to the chase, and that was that. I closed the door on my side. For me, it was a finality. I made certain she realized that I was going into another chapter of my life that she was not a part of in any way. Unless we crossed paths, I would say hello, but life we had before was going to be our past. I think she knew that it was over.

I could hear the consternation within her voice. There was no point in her attempting to scramble to find words to salvage anything even though I could hear her trying. She realized that I had made up my mind, and it was resolute. I was bringing things to an end, and I must admit, it was painful to do so. I cried. I cried hard. I did not expect to be so overwhelmed by emotions. I was literally racked with grief that I found hard to comprehend. After the conversation, I blessed her life with the hopes that she would do great things. I do wish her well. I am not going to lie and say that I did not care for her. I love her dearly, but I love me too. I love me enough to set myself free from narcissistic abuse and love her from afar. I learned a lot from her, and she claimed to have learned a lot from me. Yet, in her goodbye, I could hear that lack of empathy and that lack of feeling that describes a narcissist so well.

And so I cry. The Sinister Minister is gone.