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Rain
For this post, I will dub the narcissist I am describing as Rain. Rain is queenly and all who are ever in her presence are mesmerized by her. She has a way about her that is hypnotizing, and so many long to be a part of her magnificent courts.
Rain’s eunuchs willingly do as she bids without ever seeming to questioning her. She wields her power and control over her subjects, and all it takes is her charismatic personality to subdue her victims to her whimsical demands. Rain can be a piece of work when things are not going her way though. She graces her subjects with glorious clouds and illusions of love, but when she punishes her subjects, they are all but cast aside in heaps of rubble.
I was once a eunuch to Rain. At least that is how I believe she viewed me. Although I considered myself her friend, I would later discover that I was nothing more than narcissistic supply to a very insecure and needy woman who portrayed the illusion of strength but had no strength at all.
How We Met
I met Rain through work. Our cubicles were next to each other. I came to learn that her position at the company was somewhat of a demotion since she had previously strolled through the halls and cubicles of the company as a coordinating supervisor. I recalled seeing her before but not really paying any special attention to her.
Rain had an allure about her that was magnetizing, but in the beginning, I was not drawn in by her. In fact, I had not desire to any contact without her that was not about work. She tried desperately hard in the beginning to appeal to me, but I was just not taken in by her. She frequently invited me to outings with others after work, but I always declined. I guess it could be said I was not feeling Rain. Looking back, the subtle warning signs about her were already there. I wish I had not ignored them.
During the time period of working with Rain, I was dealing with friendship woes concerning others. So I think this was the point that made Rain’s continuous pressures to appeal to me more inviting. Eventually, I gave in to going out to eat after work with her which is something I never did with any coworker. I remember that meal well. The food was not particularly great, but the conversation was refreshing, and I saw Rain in a different light.
Eventually, Rain began inviting me to more outings. She particularly loved music and going to live music venues. This was all new to me, and I began to open up to new adventures. I met a lot of different people and was forced out of my comfort zone. It was a wonderful change outside of the stress of dealing with my other toxic relationships. I had little idea, however, that I was only entering into another toxic situation that would assist me in beginning my research into narcissistic personality disorder.
Sunshine and Rain
I did not realize at the time that Rain had found a new source of narcissistic supply in me. In the beginning of our friendship, she showered me with gifts and frequently pumped me up to others. She beamed with pride as she showed me around to her group of friends like I was a shiny new toy. I had never felt this special before, and I misinterpreted her actions as “love” for me. I would be later flabbergasted by her first display of devaluing of me.
Rain was in a relationship with a woman 20 years older. Rain’s girlfriend was financially established and very secure. I could only wonder what their main attraction was for a relationship since all they did was argue. I could only assume there had been happier times prior to my arrival in Rain’s life, but at the time, their relationship was rocky. According to Rain, I provided a bit of sunshine to her as an escape. I thought she did the same for me. I was in for a tumultuous thunderstorm. I quickly realized she was not sunshine for me.
It did not take long for the sunshine Rain brought into my life to become downcast with many storms. I recall the first time she snapped in my presence. She was angry about a situation involving her girlfriend. I was a bit confused and taken aback by her reaction towards me. After all, I had nothing to do with her issues. Since I had been elevated to a position of close proximity in her life, I saw her dealings with people closely. Rain was a master manipulator. She intoxicated people with her charms and charisma. She was a master seductress. I saw many men and women taken by her charms. Even I questioned my feelings for her.
Because Rain could not get her way with her girlfriend, she often lashed out against me making herself appear as the victim of wrongs. I felt she often took her girlfriend’s responses about situations out of context. Although I wanted to be Rain’s ally to the wrongs she believed were inflicted upon her, she soon came to learn that I called a spade a spade. I was not about lying just to tell a lie. I was about standing for the truth no matter what. She hated that I would not coddle her every whim. This was one of the many qualities about me that Rain announced that she hated about me. She said that I was supposed to be her friend and side with her.
I did not realize that my ability to see both sides of a situation was a cause for Rain’s narcissistic injury. My perceived slights against her caused me to be punished fiercely and severely. I went from being Rain’s most adored and beloved during the idolize phase in the narcissistic abuse cycle to being her most banished and devalued friend. I was struck with an unimaginable type of pain as Rain’s sunshine on me was quickly taken away from me. When her sun was not shining upon me, I was cast into outer darkness. I was cast into a place that I did not understand. My first thought was that something was wrong with her. Her reactions to even the smallest of slights were so out of proportion to the actual slights that I was bewildered by her behavior. She more or less behaved like a bratty child having a temper tantrum. I was literally speechless.
I remember leaving her presence the first time after being devalued and returning home to Google her behavior. Besides googling the behaviors of other narcissists in my life at the time, I was never prompted to truly study narcissistic behaviors. Once I began researching narcissistic personality disorder, bells went off all over, and I saw my life come tumbling down in the worst way. It was a slow decline as narcissistic abuse can be slow and insidious as it devours away at self-esteem. I was dumbfounded and struggled in my growing but minimal knowledge with what to do. I ignorantly thought loving Rain would be enough. Love made things worse. I ignorantly idolized and loved a person that detested me. My idolization of her was the problem.
Rain balked at my attempts to show love to her. Instead of reciprocating love, she sought to control it. She sought to control me. At first, I never knew what I was doing wrong to incite such rage within her. If she was having a bad day, she expected all of her subjects to follow in line and have a bad day. She never wanted anyone to think or do anything apart from her. I was the only one of her subjects who was too stubborn to bow down and worship her. I idolized her to a certain extent, but not over my free will. I had a free will, and I chose to exercise it as much as possible even though I still blindly submitted to some of her controlling ways.
For whatever reason, though, Rain wanted me in her life. She wanted me to see that she was indeed a good person even with her flaws. At the time, I did not doubt that she was a good person. I actually saw her to be incredibly gifted. She was a great orator, and she had such awesome potential. I believed the sky was the limit for her, and whatever she set her mind to do, I had no doubt that she could do it. Conversations with her were always stimulating. She always stimulated my intellect even though we did not always agree on various subjects. She would often say that I was the frack to her frick as in “frick and frack”. I assumed that I was her closest and best friend when really I was just her best narcissistic supply source. I would only come to learn this later, and I would come to learn a whole lot.
Stay tuned for more …
My Voice Unchained 