Learning To Be Alone … Without A Narcissist

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Learning To Be Without A Narcissist

For the first time since birth, I am apart from a narcissist. Although there is a person presently in my life who exhibits narcissistic traits, there is distance between us. In fact, there is enough distance to where I do not see this person as a direct problem at all. This person is somewhat like my narcissistic mother is to me – out of sight. I even question whether the person is a narcissist because many of this person’s behaviors mirror many of my own behaviors. I actually wonder if this person is a victim of narcissistic abuse because of having a similar family makeup.

Either way, I am alone. This is the first time in my life that I have no one. I have no narcissistic friends, and I actually feel alone. However, I do not feel lonely. There are still people in my life, and for the first time I recognize the difference between healthy people and unhealthy people as it refers to relationships. There is no question that narcissists are not healthy people. Yet, these are the types of people I have relied on mostly all of my life.

The healthy people I still have in my life live in other states. They were people who came into my life for a specific time period and gifted me with a treasure of pearls for my life. They gave me strategies and insight, and they even shared in a part of my journey at one point. I consider them healthy because I did not form negative attachments to them. I did not develop trauma bonds with them. They are safe people.

Yet, in this present moment, those friends are not physically with me. So, right now, I am on a physical journey all alone, and it is very different. Right now, I feel at peace. It is very quiet. There is no drama. There are no phone calls. There are no texts. There is no sound boisterous voices with manipulating and controlling tones. There is just the sound of my breathing, my heartbeat, and my thoughts that fill up the normal sounds of silence that fill my home. I live with no anticipation of any form of narcissistic abuse. I am free. My voice is unchained. I am free.

Now comes a different part that I have never experienced. Normally, when I have ended a relationship of sorts with a narcissist, there is always another narcissist (or two) waiting in the wings. This time around, things are different. I have cleared mainly all out of the narcissists from my life. I may have walked through healing from one narcissist, but I still never truly escaped narcissistic abuse. Now, there is no narcissist, and I can completely heal. The abuse has come to an end. Right now, my prayer is that I be granted a reprieve of any more narcissists being sent into my life until I can fully heal.

I want to take this time to just be alone. I want to sit in my aloneness and learn about who I am apart from narcissists. I want to finally learn what I need to know so that I do not repeat the cycle of narcissistic abuse or repeat the cycle of entering relationships with narcissists. I want to become stronger in who I am – grow my self-esteem, value my self-worth, build my confidence, and become strengthened enough to where the sight of me causes narcissists to run away from me in the opposite direction.

I no longer want to be a magnet for narcissists, and if I am because that is a part of my personality, then I want to be able to have the weapons to stand firm against them. I do not want the very gifts that I have of empathy and compassion to be used as weapons against me. I want to be wiser. I want to be able to heed the red flags and trust myself to not walk down the same road of trouble and destruction.

I took the hard steps in being without narcissists by walking away. Now I want to learn to be able to stay away from narcissists in terms of personal relationships. I want to become a healthier me. I want to look at my own traits that mirror those of narcissists so that I no longer mirror those traits. I want to understand my own internal pain and heal. I want to work on being a better version of myself than I was ever before. I want to be healed this time around. I want to remain narcissist free.

This time around is different because I have never been in this particular place before. I have never been without a narcissist in my life. I must say that I love it. I love being narcissist free. This is my new life, and I love the sound of silence. I love the feeling of joy. I love being alone when it means there is no narcissist. I love this new lesson on learning to be alone without a narcissist. I step into this new place in my life, and I step into it alone. I am going to learn to be alone without a narcissist, and I am going to love it.