Unseen … Unheard

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Unseen

People see but do not see. People see what they want to see. People see what they need to see. People see. Sometimes the eyes are open but do not look. Sometimes the eyes are blinded by the busyness of life. Oftentimes, I attempt to take on the perspective of others in an effort to understand what they might see. Despite the desire to empathize, I do not always see what it is that others see.

I love to people watch. Watching people is a great past time of mine when I am needing to take a break from the crowds. I often people watch when I do not feel especially drained by them. Therefore, I do not people watch very often unless I can go hidden as an outsider. Those are the times that being unseen is not a problem for me. Those are the times that I do not need others to hear me.

In most of my observations, I watch people and see their various interactions. I see the slights or indignities people experience, and I see their responses to those slights or indignities. In all cases that I have seen regarding slights or indignities, it is most often that I notice people dislike being unseen. People dislike being unheard. I believe it is a common human experience as the majority of us want to be seen and heard for who we are, and we want to be seen as worthy.

Maybe ‘dislike’ is not the best word to describe a feeling of being unseen, but I can only describe what I observe with others. I can best describe my own feelings when experiencing slights or indignities. Let me give an example. I went to two restaurants to pick up orders. Since my order was for ‘pick-up’, I went to the designated areas to retrieve each order. Neither of the orders were ready. The rule is to sit in the area and wait as the orders are brought to the area. I did as instructed.

I took note of the fact that no one greeted me at either restaurant. It was as if I had not even walked in despite the bells sounding off as I entered. With each restaurant, I was the only customer that had entered besides one or two customers already waiting for their orders. I am not sure of the greeting those customers received, but if they were anything like what the patrons that entered after received, then by far I would have to believe that I was simply unseen and unheard. Yet, each restaurant staff member did see me because they looked right at me – at least from my vantage point.

It was not until other patrons walked into the restaurant and were immediately greeted and served did I begin to feel slighted. I literally felt invisible … unseen. It felt like an indignity to me as a person. For whatever reason, I was triggered, and I recalled the various times that narcissists and their flying monkeys have slighted me throughout my life and left me feeling both unseen and unheard.

The first restaurant experience left me feeling emotions of annoyance and anger, but underneath those emotions were a layer of tears that would not immediately fall. The second restaurant experience left me feeling emotions of anger to the point that I almost cried because I could see the what I felt as purposeful indignity playing out right before me from the moment I walked into the second restaurant. I felt shattered on the inside for reasons I did not immediately understand.

I literally had to get in my car and let the emotions rush over me. I let myself feel them as I tried to recall a time that I had felt these exact emotions. I recalled too many times and saw too many faces. Perhaps neither of the restaurant staff meant me any harm as they were attempting to fill orders, but I immediately felt triggered by the slight of being ignored, unseen, and unheard. I later realized after sitting in the emotions that this is an area where I need healing. For far too long, the very person of who I am has been ignored in narcissistic relationships. I have often gone unseen and unheard. My voice was trampled upon, and I have felt on too many occasions that I did not matter.

I later wondered if someone else had been people watching what they would have been seen with me. What would they have seen in my reactions to an invisible interaction … slight or indignity? Would they have seen how crushed my soul felt in those moments? Would they have seen me as a visible feeling human? Would they have thought about me in terms of what I have experienced? Would they have seen me as a self-entitled person or as someone simply having a bad day? Whatever the case, there I was feeling slighted over what I perceived as a slight because I felt ignored … unseen … unheard.