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Moving Day
The next morning of the move, two other people (a colleague I did not know very well and his friend) showed up to help Rain move heavy items into a U-Haul. We packed my car and her car to the brim filled with small pieces of furniture, clothing, kitchenware, and toiletries. I followed her as she drove the U-Haul along with her hitched car on a two-hour trip to her new location.
The plan was to unpack and move everything into her new home. I was a loyal friend to help her for the entire day into the next until her home was completely cleaned out, moved in, and decorated with every single piece of furniture moved into the proper place and every single item she owned put away. Her home was set, and we actually made it look like a place she sincerely wanted to be. I was all to happy to help even though my heart was continually breaking in half from a lack of understanding her actions towards me previously.
During this move, I only responded to her when it was absolutely necessary. I was not really giving her the silent treatment, but to her it seemed that way. I sincerely was still too hurt within to give energy to a conversation with her. Being in her presence was a trigger all of its own, and I was suffering from the ramifications of post traumatic stress.
Since I was her only help on this moving day, she did not pressure me for any lengthy conversation. I could tell that she wanted to though as she attempted to joke around and induce dialogue with me. I was frankly about the move, however. I only cared to get things done. There was no time to waste, and I was only offering myself for two days.
As the day moved on and she became overwhelmed thinking we would never get done, I found myself falling back into the mode of being a friend. A few times, I gave her words of encouragement to insist that she not to give up … that her move was all worth it and that we would finish what she set out to accomplish. She actually cried a few times, but my empathy was closed off to her. I had been severely wounded by her words and behavior towards me. I had dissociated from it all. I was not numb because I could still feel inner hurt, but I had closed myself off from her.
Bit by bit, I came around as the hurt inside of me began to subside and wane. I had not forgotten about what happened though, but this fall back into reconnecting had always been the norm for me in so many narcissistic relationships. I was always getting my heart bruised and battered but lifting myself back up again to be a supportive friend and loved one to my abuser(s). It sounds like self-affliction, I know, but that is the type of environment that I was accustomed to since I grew up in a narcissistically abusive home. I played caretaker to my abusers despite the abuse. It was a way for me to survive.
An Illusion Of Change Without Remorse
It took two days to help Rain with her move. I helped her to move, clean, unpack, shop, and decorate her new place. I gave up my time as a friend despite feeling heartbroken over words she used against me to basically rip the character and spirit of who I am to shreds. Despite all this, I considered myself loyal to her by default. Looking back, I was a trauma bonded flying monkey enabling her behavior while denying myself of the dignity and respect that I deserved from someone who called herself my friend.
I did my best to grey rock her while assisting her during the move. Shortened responses were all that I could muster up since my emotional energy was spent. I find that cleaning, organizing, and keeping my mind from falling into a terrible state often helps me to relax and ease my heartaches. It was difficult in her presence, and it is almost impossible to grey rock any narcissist while actually in the narcissist’s presence. I found myself soon stumbling back into the routine grind that both Rain and me shared as friends. Short responses became small sentences. Small sentences became a dialogue that advanced into a conversation.
Eventually, I began to feel emotionally better over the course of my time helping Rain during those two days. By the end, she treated me to dinner, and we had what I thought was a well-meaning conversation. She admitted her flaws, but instead of me feeling that there was common ground between us, I felt she mentioned her flaws as a way to excuse her negative behavior towards me. Rain gave me the illusion of change just short of being remorseful for what she had done to me. Instead of simply offering me an apology, she fixated on her own struggles.
In some way, I felt blamed for my own reactions and responses to her verbal assault of my character. In her eyes, I should have been more understanding to the fact that she is just not good with emotions. I should have been more understanding of the stress she was under at the time regarding her life change. She gave me the impression that I was the one without empathy. She made me believe that I was needy despite that being the one and only time in our friendship that I ever expressed the need for my friend to hear me.
Rain was right though. I should have been more understanding of the true character she displayed that was in direct conflict of the character she showed everyone else. I saw the real Rain. I saw Rain without her mask. It was too late to gaslight me into believing I saw otherwise. I could finally see she had no idea how to regulate her own emotions. She was emotionally immature and ill-equipped to handle loving her friend and caring about her friend’s struggles.
I was a fool to think I could ever share my inner struggles with her and get an empathetic response. What were friends for? The message she made clear to me was that she should be able to count on me, but I should never expect the same from her. I heard her loud and clear. She said so much without actually verbalizing it all. She implied so much without telling me, but my understanding of it all was clear. The situation that occurred with her piercing words that threw daggers into my heart was by far a huge wake up call for me. I would never trust her again.
It was over time that I began to understand that Rain had no true ability to empathize with me. She had no compassion for me at all. She pretended to empathize, but when it came down to truly seeing my viewpoint and placing herself in shoes other than her own, she just could not do it. She could not even handle filling her own shoes. Despite my understanding of this truth, I still loved her as a friend. She claimed that she loved me as well. After a few more hours together just hanging out and checking out her new city, I parted ways to make the drive back home.
She thanked me for being her best friend. I wanted so sincerely to believe we were “best” friends, but I simply could not feel it. I could not grasp it. Something was missing. I did not know then that I had tons of red flags internally being raised that I dismissed about her and other narcissists in my life. For me, a huge red flag is when narcissists tell me something in terms of how they feel about me, and I just cannot grab a hold of the emotions behind their words. They speak without emotions. They speak words that have no meaning. Everything they say is crafted to be a part of their grand illusion.
I could not see it as clearly then, but I was determined to figure it out. I would soon gain enough clues to see my way through and out of this friendship. What a rocky way through and out it would be.
Stay tuned for more of this story because there is a lot more.
My Voice Unchained 