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Distance Did Not Break The Bond
Although Rain and I lived about two hours away from each other, the distance between us did not break our bond – the trauma bond that is … Somehow, Rain managed to keep her hooks into me. I liken it to being caught up in a web which spanned quite a distance. Attempting to get away was not easy. So I had to wait and busy myself with other things.
Rain even managed to keep her hooks into quite a few people that were now quite a distance from her since she had moved away. In fact, I had no idea that behind my back Rain was keeping contact with the loud and annoying colleague whom I still worked with at the time. Rain was even keeping contact with an ex-significant other. Rain had actually given me the impression that those who did not help with her move (which was basically everyone) was cut off from her for good. Rain lied. Rain was (and probably still is) a notorious liar. In fact, all narcissists are liars … at least all the narcissists that I have ever known.
Anyway, nearly every weekend for quite a few weeks, I drove to see Rain and hang out with her. In the beginning, it was just the two of us. What I enjoyed as quality time with a dear friend, she found unpleasant and often said so. Since Rain is an extrovert, she was always energized by lots of people. One person was never enough for her to gain the adoration and worship she desired to fuel her.
I sometimes look back and wonder how in the world we even became “friends” because although I could be her number one cheerleader, she frequently stated that I never let up with the truth. I did not worship or adore her enough, and often she exclaimed that I did not seem to honor her at all. Frankly, I can say I do not like kissing anyone’s butt. I would rather keep my lips to myself. Rain hated that about me. She hated my personality and often alluded as much. Yet, for whatever reason, she desperately seemed to want to keep me in her life.
Despite my lack of ability to keep her entertained during my weekend visits, she would eventually begin to make more friends on her job and in her newfound neighborhood. It would not be long before she seemed to need me less. So there was a period of time when I briefly fell off of the radar in her life because I needed a break from her. Plus, it was quite fatiguing to work a demanding job every week and then drive two hours to visit a narcissist every weekend.
Yet, distance from each other did not break our bond even though she did not call me nor text me for simple conversation as if we were friends. She did not even acknowledge me for significant events in my life (not that she had even ever done that before either). I would just get gifts here and there which were tokens to keep me connected to her, but those gifts were never truly significant to me.
Rain never celebrated my birthday even though she knew the date. She seemed to only keep my birthdate in mind when she needed to pull on me for a favor later on by simply mentioned it as a way to manipulate me into doing something her way. In fact, she barely acknowledged anything significant in my life.
After so much time away from her because of distance and the simple act of living our lives apart, I slowly began to come from underneath a fog to see that she was just using me. I slowly begin to question the validity of our “friendship”. Slowly, during my studies about narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse, I began to see how I was Rain’s narcissistic supply – a narcissistic supply she sought to duplicate.
I Had A Trauma Bond, and Rain Had Others
With no Rain in my life, I found that there was less drama even though there were two other dominant narcissistic frenemies in my life. There was certainly less drama at work too, and I began to figure out that the loud and annoying colleague was less of a problem for me at work as she had been in the past. I still avoided her at all costs though, but there were still interactions to be to had with her where Rain was concerned in our lives.
I was not sure what was happening at the time, but as I recall correctly, the loud and annoying colleague had begun dating. So she had less time to spend with Rain, and Rain was snubbing her because of this. Rain wanted to be a priority, and the loud and annoying colleague was looking for love that Rain could not offer her. Thus, it slowly began to make sense to me as to why my presence by Rain was so desired in her life when the process of her making friends in her new location was not going as well or as quickly as she would have liked for it to go.
I had a trauma bond with Rain. Rain had others. She frequently gave me the impression that she was lonely and missing my friendship. I had little knowledge of what her life was like away from me. I was only aware of the life that she presented to me when I came around her. Little did I realize she had a life of duplicity. She was a different person with whomever she was with at the time. She trash-talked whoever was not in her presence, and I would learn that she did no different with me even though she would often claim me as her best friend. Nah … I was not her best friend; I was her best narcissistic supply.
I had a trauma bond with Rain that was most likely formed because of my loyalty to her as a friend. That is usually my greatest problem with friendships of the narcissistic kind. I have always been loyal although that quality was never reflected back to me from narcissistic friends. Rain never reflected loyalty to me. There were times when she was quite dismissive of me.
In fact, I will never forget her inviting me to a fundraiser and literally shunning me the entire time I was at the event. She acted as if she never saw me while she talked with others even though we looked right at each other several times. When I called her name and made my way to speak to her, she literally turned her head in the opposite direction. I was never so hurt and so confused by her behavior. When I later questioned her about it, she gaslighted me and behaved as if she did not know what I was talking about.
A major problem I have had is that I mistake a narcissist’s quality time spent with me, gifts given to me, and other affections of sorts showered on me as their love and care for me only for a narcissist to pull their “love” away from me, gaslight me, stonewall me, or use any other abusive tactic to destroy me. Of course, I am not realizing that a narcissist is bent on my destruction when I am in the midst of my friendship with the narcissist. I just notice that I have to jump through hoops to prove myself to the narcissist only to realize I can do nothing right.
All in all, my time away from Rain while we were at a distance from each other helped me to reflect on and see so many other things that were dysfunctional about our so-called friendship. I found that I went through a time of pulling away from her and becoming frequently too busy to care to the point that she instantly took notice when my long trekking visits to her ceased without much explanation.
Rain actually telephoned me one weekend to profess how much she missed me and needed me in her life. I actually took this as her realizing how much she appreciated me when she really wanted to make sure I continued to fall in line with providing her with narcissistic supply. I had a lot to learn about narcissistic abuse and how to break free, and Rain was definitely a good teacher without even realizing it.
Rain taught me a lot, and what I learned more than anything in her case is that she could never ever be short on supply. She needed narcissistic supply to feed her ego. She thrived on narcissistic supply to keep herself from having a breakdown. Narcissistic supply sustained her life, her lies, and her power. Little did I know that she was on the hunt for the perfect supply … a supply that was so perfect that my breath was literally taken away.
Stay tuned for more to this story in the next post.
My Voice Unchained 