Reminded That My Old Life Is Gone

Reminded That My Old Life Is Gone

I ran into an old friend. I considered her a friend, but she was much less a friend and more a flying monkey to a narcissist that I call The Professional Gaslighting Narcissist (PGN). Anyway … I was not expecting to see her or anyone remotely connected to my old life – my old job. She was just as surprised to see me as I was to see her. It has been over a year at least, and as small as the area that I live in, I am bound to run into someone that I once rubbed professional elbows with even though I do my best to remain in the shadows of my introversion.

For a moment, it felt nostalgic as the flying monkey and I briefly caught up and chatted, but then I was quickly reminded of what I let go of and why I wanted to be free. When this flying monkey basked in the memories and discussed how my name was recently mentioned in work conversation, I was reminded that I have since cut her and any narcissistic associates off from my life. Leaving a toxic work environment meant cutting out the remnants of a painful past. Those days are gone, and I no longer wish to reminisce.

I could have easily fallen back into the way conversations once were with us together with me spilling fragments of my life story, but I only highlighted to her that I was making use of my time away from the job doing “nothing special”. What little I did mention to her felt like too much to have divulged after the fact as I realized that my business would be fodder for the “work tabloids”. The question all would want to know is “what am I doing with my life now?” The flying monkey was very eager to know, but I had nothing to share.

When the flying monkey prodded me as to why it has been difficult to reach me, I told her that I had pulled away from the old civilization and cut myself off from everyone. I did not go into much detail except to say that I had disappeared from life on purpose so that I could free myself. Work life was too draining for me, and I wanted no parts of what no longer made me happy. Any time I ran into anyone from work, I felt that I was being sucked back into the drama, and I wanted out.

The flying monkey seemingly understood as she took a deep sigh and bellowed out that she felt that she was drowning right now with work. In the past I would feel deep empathy and try to help even if I only listened to her, but in that moment, I felt oddly disconnected and just wanted to go about my business. Unfortunately, I know now that she is in the problem and a part of the problem, and none of that is my problem. I stared at her for a quick moment and realized that her problems may very well be because she is one of the sole forms of narcissistic supply for a covert narcissist she calls a friend.

The flying monkey attempted to appeal to my emotions by asking me about my plans to continue in graduate school for a degree in mental health. She prodded me several times and in several different ways for information, but I fell flat and simply said I was in a state of nothingness … a state of flux. I informed her that my mind was taking a break, and I no longer wanted to help anyone. I told her that I was fatigued from caring, and I was now just looking out for me.

In essence, though, I realized that I was actually being honest enough with information this flying monkey really did not have the capacity to hear. She could clearly see I was out on the other side. It was clear to her that something about me was different, and it was clear to me too. Nothing I said to her was a lie, but I still did not readily share the most damaging truth. What easy way is there to tell a flying monkey who does not know she’s a flying monkey that I want nothing to do with her best friend (whom I once considered a best friend too) who just happens to be a narcissist?

I searched the flying monkey’s eyes for some semblance of a changed life or that she might have understood where I was coming from, but all I heard in her voice was a story she retold more than once in the five or ten minutes that we stood to chat. She mainly wanted to know why I was cut off from life even though I thought it was obvious. She and the PGN have both attempted to contact me but only get my voicemail. Now knowing that I have cut myself off from everyone to free myself from my work-related past made sense to her, but at the same time, she appeared to need clarification that I was no longer on speaking terms with anyone.

It was clear to me that this flying monkey did not realize that I have gone no-contact for the sake of saving myself from the toxic circle she associates herself with. It never occurred to her that I viewed her by proxy of the narcissist as having been a problem in my life. Yet, I felt no reason or need to explain myself. For a moment, I thought that maybe I was a bad person for not keeping myself open to a few work-related “friends”, but then I thought about the amount of peace I have had since I have gone no-contact from everyone, and for sure, there has been nothing like peace from a place of chaos.

No! I cannot go back. I cannot reopen a door that is meant to remain closed. If by chance I happen to run into her (or anyone else from my old work life), then small conversations is what we will be relegated to for the sake of being cordial, but my old life is gone. I do not want it. It does not matter to me that my life appears different to her (or anyone else). It should be different. I should be different. I am no longer in a toxic work environment, and if I am not there, then it should make sense that I would not want to keep the same connections with people still there even if I did consider them friends.

Needless to say, when the flying monkey and I decided that our conversation was over, I realized that I was happy to see her, and I believe she was genuinely happy to see me too. Yet, I knew that she would quickly call the PGN and let her know of our encounter and make her aware that I have since cut everyone off for the sake of being free of work. It does not matter though. I am free of work. I am free of them too. I was reminded today that I once had a life that was far more toxic than it is right now. I once had a life that I am glad to have walked away from. I am glad to have traded in the unhappiness I once felt for the joy I feel now even if I am traveling this new journey alone.