Date Night
I had accepted Mr. Charm’s invitation to celebrate my birthday. I was excited. In all my 38 years, I had not truly dated anyone or exclusively been asked out on a date. I was both excited and nervous. Yet, I sensed an oncoming dread for reasons I did not understand.
Although the word “date” was not used by Mr. Charm. It was most certainly a date. He pulled out all the stops and spent nearly $200 attempting to make it a wonderful night for me. He had good intentions, but somewhere along the line things fell short of both his expectations and mine.
We agreed to meet up at a halfway point. I would park my car at the local mall, and I would ride with him the rest of the way to the restaurant. He took me to an expensive Italian restaurant despite not asking me for my preference. I was not honestly sure how dates worked though.
He planned everything. He had even reserved for us seating. I was super impressed, but my impressions were halted by what I saw as his strange behavior. I assumed that he might have been just as nervous as I was about this “date”. Clearly, I did not know him well enough though. I watched his demeanor. He was confident – perhaps overly confident. He appeared to stick out his chest while standing extra tall despite his towering height of at least 6 and a half feet tall. He walked with a strut that signified to me that he was “the man”.
He was extra courteous. He held doors open for me, and he seemed to treat me with care, but all the while I was feeling that signals were mixed within the atmosphere. One of the reasons I felt mixed signals was the conversation I felt subjected to while riding along with him.
He talked a lot about himself. He appeared eager to please, but each time I spoke, he always cut in to relate what was said to how we were similar. I grew annoyed with this and began to shut down and listen.
I felt that he was showing off and not being genuine. He was also loud. His voice pulsated my entire being. I could not wait to get out of his truck. I was also eager to get out of his truck because it was a mess. Could he not have cleaned it out knowing that he was taking me on a date? He had asked me out a week before.
Even though I offered to drive my car upon seeing the mess, he would not hear of a lady driving when it was his treat. So I acquiesced and succumbed to all sorts of trash and work tools everywhere while I was all dressed up in a nice outfit. It would have been impolite to complain.
By the time we had arrived to the restaurant, he had told me what seemed to be half of his life story. I had gotten an ear full regarding his traumatic childhood, his move to the state, his connections with the people we mutually knew from the tour, and his thoughts about the trip.
A few times he did pause to ask me questions, but I was not sure if it was out of true interest in me or simply a robotic acknowledgement of my existence. I could clearly see that this was not going to be the date of my pleasant dreams. It was not starting off that way for sure.
Mr. Charm Revealed
At the restaurant, Mr. Charm had reserved an open corner area for us. We were in full view of others and the restaurant staff servers could not miss us. I sensed that he had been to this particular restaurant many times before. He knew exactly what he wanted to order, and it seemed that he knew some of the restaurant staff based on how he openly flirted with them.
It appeared that the spotlight was on us too – but mainly him. There did not seem to be a person that he did not speak to that sat near us or walked by us. I was quickly reminded of my dad and how outings with him when I was younger could often be unbearable because he liked to talk to everyone around us. I felt a little triggered by this behavior and immediately felt uncomfortable.
As an introvert, I do not care to be in the spotlight. I would have preferred to have sat in a less visible corner or nook. I would have preferred that the light around us be dimmed to create a serene ambiance, but everything about where Mr. Charm and I sat created volumes of loud colors, lights, and sounds.
I felt myself reeling from sensory overload, and I was ready to end the date before it truly began. My energy reserves were being zapped upon and fading out. I was already feeling exhausted just from Mr. Charm’s talking alone. He was overtly loud for what seemed to be no apparent reason.
All eyes were literally on us and our table. He seemed to spare no expense and told me to order whatever I wanted, but what I thought was strange is that he criticized me for whatever I did order. He told me that I was “uncultured” based on my food choices. Even when I attempted to explain that I do not eat certain foods because of allergies, he blew me off and basically laughed and said that I was making excuses. I was taken aback.
Because he was so loud and could be heard by the couple across from us, I did not understand why he was so surprised when a woman and her husband chimed in and somewhat came to my defense. The husband and wife duo talked about how one of their children had similar food allergies and would break out into hives and belabored breathing requiring the use of an EpiPen to stop the reaction. I could relate to the experience all too well.
I was glad to have defense, but I could tell right away that Mr. Charm did not like this couple’s intrusion into our conversation. He was being shown up and called to the carpet for not being a man of compassion concerning my food allergies. Needless to say, the conversation related to my food choices from the menu quickly died down, and Mr. Charm turned from the couple and navigated our conversation to a different topic.
As if I had not heard enough of his life story on the ride to the restaurant, there he was telling me more about his life. He told me things that I did not want to know. He segued the conversation into his life as a perpetual victim. I did not recognize this at first. I only recognized it later after my studies regarding narcissistic personality disorder. It is unfortunate that he suffered trauma in his childhood, but we were on a date. How much did I really need to know about his trauma on a first date?
Mr. Charm was seemingly transparent as he told me about his ex-girlfriends, ex-wife, children, and a host of relatives who had done him wrong in some way. He even shared with me details about a false arrest propagated by his ex-wife. Surely, he wanted me to believe she was the villain of his story. Despite listening to him intently, I was so overwhelmed. It was too much.
Mr. Charm shared so much about his life that I was glad for the small distractions that occurred throughout the dinner. At times I was thankful when the waitresses came to our table even though he flirted with the female waitresses. When the couple that leaned over and talked to us, I was glad to be able to default from the pressure of his judgments against my eating habits. I even tried to create my own diversions by steering the conversation to other less serious topics.
It was my birthday, but no one would have known it during dinner. It seemed more like a celebration for him. Not that I cared that anyone did know, I was just overwhelmed that a date to celebrate me had nothing at all to do with me. I could not even enjoy the food because of all the dramatic conversation about his life. It was much too heavy. It felt like a counseling session gone wrong except I never even asked him questions about his life. He just seemed ready to spill. I had to wonder the reasons he so forthcoming with such personal information.
The “date” was not all bad though. There were times of laughter, but there were enough red flags for me to internally ask myself what was going on with him. He mentioned all the ways that he was working on himself and trying to change which is why he was glad to have connected with the people from the tour group. Because he talked of trying be to a better person, I figured I would give him a pass. People who are working on themselves want to improve, right?
Bamboozled, But Happy Birthday
After the restaurant dinner, Mr. Charm wanted to stop for ice cream. Even though I was tired and wanted to get home, I agreed to dessert hoping this would take the edge of craziness from the atmosphere surrounding our date. Interestingly enough, it was while we were getting ice cream that I took stock of my mental and emotional state.
Mentally, I was drained from the date. Emotionally, I felt broken down. Although I was slightly cognizant as to the reasons my mental and emotional states had plummeted downward, I was aware enough to know that I felt extremely downcast when I should have been happy. It was my birthday, and I was not feeling okay. I was not feeling okay at all.
I recall a lot of crazymaking behaviors that Mr. Charm exhibited that made me feel as if I needed to walk on eggshells by being careful never to make a comment about a particular topic, or being certain to never joke about something that might offend him. He controlled literally every aspect of the date. I was just along for the ride.
Specifically, I felt crazy trying to defend my reasoning for choosing not to eat something I have allergies to, and I was baffled by his reaction and lack of understanding. He even made fun of the flavor of ice cream I chose, and he decided then and there that I simply had not lived a life of adventure based on the things that I chose as personal preferences.
I recognized the crazymaking but did not immediately associate the phases of Mr. Charm’s behaviors as narcissistic abuse. He spent a whole lot of the date not only overtly devaluing me with ridiculing comments but also subtly devaluing based on how I chose to do things differently compared to him.
Mr. Charm actually never even acknowledged that it was my birthday. I found this odd. There were actually no well wishes until he was forced to recognize the reason he claimed to have invited me on the date in the first place. Had he not have been forced to acknowledge me, I would have gone that entire date without him ever acknowledging to me why he had originally invited me on the date.
While at the restaurant, some of the restaurant staff came out to a family’s table and sang the birthday song to one of the members. I noticed that Mr. Charm remained silent and would not look at me. I said something like, “Oh wow! That person gets a song!” to which he commented, “But you got a free meal!” He then laughed it off, but I instinctively knew that I would receive no acknowledgment for my birthday and should just be grateful that he even bothered to treat me. Inside of my being, though, I felt crushed.
It was not until we prepared to leave the ice cream shop that a huge truck drove by with a sign on the side with pastel-colored balloons that read “Happy Birthday”. Upon seeing this, I said, “what a way to end my night for my birthday!” Mr. Charm was silent for a moment. He then laughed and said, “I planned it that way just for you! Happy Birthday!”
In response, I thanked him for an interesting night. He had really aimed to impress me on a superficial level. He spent nearly $200 on food and dessert. Yet, when I thought about the night, everything done was obviously all for him. I was just along for the ride as well as his well-scripted show. His behavior from the night was puzzling to say the least.
The Realization Of The Night Hits Home
The ride with him back to my parked car was a silent one. I internally knew that this date was a disaster not just by my standards but also his. This date was an exhausting one, and I could not determine within myself if I ever wanted to even see this man again. When we arrived to my car, I thanked him for a “great” night and a “happy birthday”, then I turned and got into my car. It was dark, and he did not even wait for me to get inside of my car before he drove off!
Once in my car, though, my emotions arose to the surface, and I burst into tears. I knew enough to know that I had been bamboozled. I had been bamboozled on my birthday. Mr. Charm had future faked with me enough to have me believe that I was going to have fun when really the date had more to do with him than with me. He was the main character, and I was just an extra. It was all about him. What had happened to the man from overseas? Who was this guy? Clearly, I saw what I wanted to see.
In fact, for nearly three weeks Mr. Charm ghosted me. I heard absolutely nothing from hi as if I never even existed. It was then that I should have discovered the clue that this man was not as charming as he appeared to be. I should have cut my losses and simply gone no-contact with him. I will admit that I was quite naïve about the dating scene and did not understand how he claimed to have enjoyed the time spent with me to discarding me into a gulf of utter silence. I was confused to say the least, and the situation was only going to worsen the more I allowed Mr. Charm into my life.
Stay tuned. There’s definitely more!
My Voice Unchained 