Entertaining Danger
Entertaining Mr. Charm ultimately meant that I had opened the door to danger. In the beginning, I was not aware of this despite my discernment that things about him were off. I should have listened to the internal warnings within my body like the impending dread I felt or the deep sadness I experienced whenever I was in and out of his presence. Yet, at the same time, I discounted my feelings and thoughts, and there were so many reasons for that. I had a lot to learn. I would not realize how dangerous this man could be until the different masks he wore would start slipping. I had not realized that the slip of the mask had already begun.
After Mr. Charm’s birthday dinner invitation, I did not hear from him for at least three weeks. He completely ghosted me. I know this because my two phone calls to him went unanswered, and he did not respond to my voice message. Since he was not adept with using his personal cell phone, texting him was out of the question. I could only contact him through his landline. Yet, I realized that as a woman, I had broken a cardinal rule. I should not have reached out to him. I had broken the proverbial rule that the woman should wait for the man … at least that is what I have always been told. I should have not played into his ghosting, but I was already hooked into his narcissistic web.
Narcissists love bomb their targets. I can only go back in time and say that Mr. Charm targeted me during the pre-meeting to discuss the itinerary before the trip. He was relentless in attempts to get close to me by showering me with attention and feigning an interest in me. At some point I had not recognized that my discernment had now been overpowered and numbed to what was really going on with him. Fast forward, and I was now hooked because of a “date” that actually went nowhere.
That fiasco of a date should have been my clue there to forget about him and move on, but the empath within me had already heard his victim story, and my compassion coerced me into being a good friend to him. Plus, I have to admit to myself that he was the first man outside of the narcissist I almost married that pursued me in such a relentless way. That action alone had me puzzled back then because I thought this meant that Mr. Charm liked me. In actuality, the chase is all a part of the game for many narcissists to capture their targets.
Confronting The Issues
When Mr. Charm finally did contact me after ghosting me for three weeks, he behaved in a manner as if there had been no distance between us and time had not passed by. Maybe that was it for him, but not for me. I confronted the issues that presumably existed for me head on with him. I asked him to clarify some things that I needed to understand. He came off as a bit aloof to it all as if it were no big deal. I gathered that he presumed I was a bit dramatic.
Again, it was probably no big deal for him because he is a narcissist, but at the time, I was unaware of this fact. Needless to say, he did admit that he had a great time on my birthday and wanted to see me again, but he said that he had cold feet. He said that I came off as a little too serious and not as funny as I had been during the overseas trip. Shining a spotlight on my character traits obviously made me look inward at myself which is what his comments were designed to do. Narcissists take the heat off of themselves. They deflect.
I did mentioned that it was a date to celebrate my birthday, but I had a lot to take in from the night. I mentioned to him that he had shared a lot of serious information about himself, and I was not prepared for such heaviness on a night designed to celebrate a happy occasion. I told him that I did not know that I needed to change the mood when he led the conversation. I also mentioned how I attempted to steer the conversation into other less serious topics to which he replied that I probably should have tried harder. I was stunned and did not know how to respond to him. I actually felt as if I were being blamed for something that I had no control over. Again, I turned inward to think about how I could do better the “next time”.
Mr. Charm reiterated that I appeared not to be grateful for all that he had done for me for my birthday … as if I were not impressed with all of his outward efforts. It was obvious to only me that the whole night was about him, but he was projecting onto me his own feelings that I did not reciprocate. I had thanked him, and I had been appreciative. How much more grateful could I have been?
I apologized to him if my reactions to him and all that he had done for me came off as ungrateful, but my attempts to explain the night itself came off as if I was making excuses. Was that night really about me or more about him? I am the one who went home in tears. I am the one who was picking up all sorts of internal red flags that I did not immediately understand about his behavior. Yet, here I was in a conversation with him feeling as if I was the one at fault even though he was the one who projected his issues on to me as if I had caused him pain.
I had to take this entire conversation all in, and once I did, I was still feeling a disconnect. How did we both walk away from a night with two different interpretations of what happened for each of us? I simply did not understand, but looking back, I now know that he was gaslighting me and deflecting away from taking accountability for his toxic behavior during the date and after the date. He never apologized for how he came off to me. His behavior was never even considered.
Mr. Charm attributed everything to me, and because I turn my thoughts inward, I easily wanted to make sure that I never caused him any grief or pain. I thought about his life story he had told me, and thought maybe he felt comfortable enough with me to tell it. So I was highly apologetic and promised to improve for the next time. That is when he said that he really liked me and wanted to have more “next times”. Looking back, however, I should have just closed the door on him to my life. I was not aware that I was caught in his web of narcissistic abuses against me. I also was not aware that the three weeks of him ghosting me was ultimately a form of discard.
I had a lot more to learn. I was already on a crazy rollercoaster ride that was reaching an ascent into a lot more before it descended into a complete nightmare. I was entertaining danger. Stay tuned for more …
My Voice Unchained 