A Relationship Undefined
After I had dealt with the first discard from Mr. Charm as a result of him ghosting me just after our date, he went back to the love bombing stage. For weeks, he called me almost every evening to briefly chat about my day. I had not had this type of attention from a man in a long time. It felt nice that someone seemingly wanted to know about me. Yet, I still could not shake the feeling that it was all too good to be true.
For one thing, the conversations were always just above the surface. I felt that our conversations were somewhat suspended in an area that he controlled making sure to never let conversations go where he did not want to take them. No matter how many times I attempted to steer the conversation to deeper topics, he continued to keep them at a surface level. Strangely, I often felt that he told me more than I wanted or needed to know about him, but I never was able to share anything about myself even though he was calling me to ask about my day.
I realize now that by asking me about my day, he was simply me faking his interest in me and the elements of my life. He was only taking in information for the purpose of saving what he heard for a later date. It would register to me later that he only asked me questions about myself to get the gather up the ammunition he wanted to use against me later. He asked about my work day went without ever really talking about anything specifically that concerned me. He picked apart much of what I said and would question me in a way that made me cautious before speaking.
If I needed to vent or if I wanted his advice regarding a situation that happened during my day, I found myself basically walking on eggshells with him about what to talk about since he either gaslighted me regarding the topics I brought up or skipped over discussing the topics altogether. He had a way of making it seem that the aspects of my day were important without actually making me feel that the aspects of my day were important. I would always end our conversations knowing a whole lot more about his life while realizing that he seemed to know very little about me at all in comparison. It did not take long for me to realize that I had been down this road before with a few other people with personalities similar to his own personality.
Looking back, I realize now that those daily phone calls were just a way for Mr. Charm to trauma bond himself to me even though we were ever going to establish a true connection. I was fooled into believing that “something” was there between us and would grow for the future while he faked about something between the two of us that he never intended to occur. What I did not know then was that narcissists are future fakers. They use future faking to pretend to their targets that they are courting them in preparation for a future relationship of longevity.
Many narcissists will fool their targets into believing that marriage is in the future of the relationship based on what they tell targets by always making sure to season the conversation with the idea of “us”. Narcissists also future fake by talking lovingly regarding future plans they know they have no intention of bringing to fruition. This behavior from narcissists often leads targets into believing that narcissists actually love them when nothing could be further from the truth.
Narcissists run hot and cold with their behavior. This was something I was immediately aware of with Mr. Charm’s behavior towards me. His words and actions often did not match. He could say such nice things in a loving manner, but something in his demeanor would come off to me as cold. Those were the times that I sensed eggshells all around that I needed to carefully navigate around so as not to crack them.
Anytime I would crack those eggshells, his behavior would turn even darker towards me. I believe my questions to him for clarification usually signaled that I might have been on to his hot and cold behavior. That is when he would quickly check himself and go back to his future faking to keep me reeled in. Yet, all that happened was that I would grow more confused. In fact, I was so confused by his actions that I would google his actions in an attempt to understand him.
Mr. Charm future faked with me by speaking in terms of a future filled of great adventures to come. He spoke of “us” in terms of his plans for “us”. He said that “we” had so much potential because we had so much in common. Yet, when I asked for him to clarify what “we” were, he said that he preferred to see where “we” were going. He said that all good things come to those who are patient.
In hindsight, all he did was lie. There was never “we” or “us”. I believe he knew he did not want to truly pursue a relationship with me from the night of our first “date”. I believe he just wanted to string me along to gain narcissistic supply. I believe I was more than what he had bargained for in terms of a relationship. It was not going to be easy for him to deal with me, and he was not going to escape accountability. In so many ways without my understanding it at the time, I was the arch nemesis to hold his feet to the fire for his toxic behavior.
Mr. Charm could not readily define our relationship because there would be no relationship to define. He had already decided this based on what he saw in me. Despite being empathic and fairly easygoing, I was could not be easily controlled and would not go along with his desires for the sake of being in a relationship.
I was not just going to roll over and bow down to him or even take what he said at face value. I asked questions, and I confronted issues. In fact, he must have acquired a taste of my character traits during our first date because afterwards he entered me into his cycle of narcissistic abuses against me and shelved me for a discard by ghosting me for three weeks.
Like the enabler I obviously was at the time, I had passion and determination to stick around to understand what made Mr. Charm tick because I believed that I could help him. I foolishly believed that my empathy, concern, compassion, and love could light the way for him. Yet, after a series of major red flags, I would actually flip this “fake” relationship on its head to reveal his many masks and unravel the truth about a deeply troubled narcissist who only wanted to bask in my light, steal my light, and then finally dim my light.
Stay tuned for more to this undefined relationship.
My Voice Unchained 