Why It’s Important To Cut Off All People Connected To The Narcissist(s) In Your Life

I am still learning the hard way because for me it is often the love and connection that keeps me in status quo over the actual situation of safety. Let me explain.

My mother is a covert malignant narcissist, and I have cut off all ties to her. Because my brother and mother are close and he lives with her, I have had to cut off my ties to him as well. This also means that I cannot have relationships with his children because of their ties to my mother. Despite my love for them, I will never be able to heal, have peace, or know freedom if I stay entangled with them.

Once upon a time, I thought I was safe where my father is concerned too, but I have come to realize that there is no safety in him either. Of the two of my parents, my father has been the most truly remorseful for his actions that led to some of the childhood trauma that my siblings and me endured, but I have come to learn that being remorseful and even working towards change is not enough if he is going to continue to sympathize with my abuser.

My father obviously wants what he sees as reconciliation between my mother and me even though they have been divorced from each other for years. He listens to the words of others based on what they “see” regarding a lack of relationship between my mother and me. Somehow he believes that it clearly makes me look bad because I will have nothing to do with my mother.

I cannot believe how easy it is for him to forget exactly who my mother is and has been to me or even him, but then I remember how he does not even know half of the covert abuses that my mother has put me through. So, he would not understand, and despite my explanations, he has not made any attempts to understand because he holds onto a Christian worldview of how to handle those that do wrong against us. Instead following scripture verses that signify that “we” should have nothing to do with evildoers, he views me as being in the wrong for not being willing to make amends.

There is no amending a relationship with a narcissist even if familial. There is no relationship. There will never be a relationship. There is a reason a victim of narcissistic abuse chooses the route of no-contact. There’s freedom. There’s healing. There’s growth. There’s a host of healthiness that comes along with no-contact for the victim. Yet, when attachments remain to even those who maintain relationships with narcissists, that poses a problem. So it is with me.

I love my dad. He is my only connection to my immediate “family”. Yet, he also represents much of the trauma I continue to heal from too. Although I am happy that he has chosen to seek healing and change for himself, I notice that he still sympathizes with my mother on so many levels. Oftentimes, my mother will reach out to him in hopes that he will appeal to me. She still knows him well enough to know that he has a bit of sympathy for her despite her hatred for him and despite their being divorced. He obviously cannot see that even through her hatred for him, she will still use him to regain control of me.

I suppose I have my answer in just blogging this simply because I see how my dad is a narc sympathizer. He sympathizes with my mother and feels that I should just give in so that my mother can have a relationship with me. He just does not get it, and the more he contacts me and inserts details about her into our conversations, the more I realize that I will need to cut off contact with him too. This greatly pains me in the most heartbreaking way! He is all I have left of my immediate family. Without him, there is no more connection. It makes me feel like a motherless and fatherless child. It makes me feel abandoned even though I am the one who has made the choice to walk away for peace of mind.

My dad has shown himself to sympathize with my mother when he gives me her phone number in hopes that I will contact her despite the fact that I have blocked her in every way and refuse to contact her. My dad sympathizes with her when he mentions her or situations connected with her in nearly every conversation that we have, and even though I listen without commenting about her, he just does not seem to get that I have gone no-contact for good. Even with my specifically spelling out to him that I have chosen to have nothing to do with her because she will never change, he still comes to me with the attitude that I need to exercise what it means to walk in love and forgiveness.

Let me be clear when I say I love my mother. I also forgive my mother for all of her narcissistically evil ways and abuses, but I do not have to interact with her. I can walk in love and forgiveness and still maintain no-contact with a person that continues to display toxic behaviors. Yet, my dad seems to find this hard to comprehend for some reason. I assume it is because he is connected to the old ways of doing things, and he always thinks a lot about what others say about the situation. I do not care. I stopped caring about what others think about my situation when I know they have no idea about it anyway. I want no parts of any type of connection with my mother, but I am finding it hard to continue on in this situation with my dad despite the voice that I have given to this issue time and again.

It is important to cut off contact from all of the people connected to narcissists in your life because you might end up dealing with a situation much like mine. Maintaining contact with even one person associated with a narcissist can continue to indirectly add drama to your life. Your focus changes and you become indirectly involved in situations that you are attempting to keep away from. Those still connected with narcissists are more often sympathizers of narcissists even if inadvertently. Despite what they have dealt with concerning narcissists, they are often still in need of their own healing particularly if they are continuing to push for you to maintain a relationship with a narcissist.

So … it obviously looks like I have another painful decision to make in regards to cutting off my dad, but this is painfully hard. I have become accustomed to how I look to others and no longer care. I love my dad. I love my mother too. It took me years to come to the place where I felt strong enough to even cut off my mother. Then came the decision where I knew I had to cut off my brother and his children, and that was emotionally painful as well. I disconnected from nearly everyone except my dad because I viewed him to be the healthier one out of everyone. However, the look of healthiness is not enough. Patterns and unhealthy mindsets also need to change, and it has been clear to me for quite a while that my dad will always sympathize with my mother in some way despite her toxic behaviors.

I battle in anguish because my dad is an elderly man, and although a person can die at any age, I look at my parents as being closer to death now because they have entered the stage that signifies the end of their lives. It is sad that I do not have a relationship with my mother, but that has never been the case anyway. I think it is much more difficult for me where my dad is concerned simply because I did have a connection with him, and I also viewed him as a victim in status to my mother’s narcissistic abuses too. Yet, maybe now is the time for me to take a closer look at this situation and be very honest with myself. How can I remain connected to someone who chooses to sympathize with a narcissist?