How Many Red Flags Are Too Many?
There was no question in my mind that things between Mr. Charm and I progressed rather quickly. After a month overseas on a trip, I had experienced my first date with him. Although there were alarms ringing in my head because of some concerning behaviors of his, I was willing to give him a chance because I believed that he was attempting to become a better person. We met on a trip traveling with a church group of Christians. Plus, I perceived that he had the potential to become a future romance, and I was intrigued by his interest in me. My own heart issues signaled a red flag.
Unfortunately, I had to quickly shelve the idea of any future romance because there was something seriously wrong with this man. The way he behaved on our first date signified that he had several issues, but it seemed that he was unaware of any issues. Instead, he projected issues onto me. So, I proceeded with caution when ultimately I was simply delaying the inevitable. I had seen, experienced, and been the target of these behaviors before. I recognized them but had such faulty patterns of dealing with them that I behaved as a deer caught in bright headlights. I was engaging in far too many red flags with this narcissist because I wanted to give him the benefit of doubt. I wanted to believe that there was a good person within him.
How many red flags are too many? Apparently for me, there were not enough. Let me break it down.
Red Flag 1
Although many people may not attribute a first meeting encounter as a red flag, I have come to learn a lot about myself on a personal level. In retrospect, most of the narcissists that entered my life did so by placing themselves into my path. It was never an organic occurrence. Normally, these are not even the types of people I would easily entertain. Their personalities rub against me like sandpaper from the start.
Empathically and intuitively, whenever I ever feel that something about a person does not mesh with me, I will not force it at all. I will not push for a friendship or anything by attempting to have conversation or looking to probe deeper. In fact, I will take the inability to mesh with the person as my sign that the person and I simply have little common ground. Presently, I realize that I saw the red flags very early on where this narcissist (Mr. Charm) and so many other narcissists in my life were concerned. I simply did not heed the warnings of my own inner compass.
I did not mesh with Mr. Charm at all; nor did I have any interest in entertaining him in the very beginning. He was an annoyance. Yet, when he continued to come around me, I assumed that I should give him the benefit of doubt and be more open. I also listened to others based on their judgments regarding the situation, but looking back, those others were sympathizers of narcissists. They were never going to steer me in the right direction. They might have meant well, but if they were sympathizers and excusers of toxic behaviors, then they were never going to provide me with sound advice.
In Mr. Charm’s case, and in the cases of so many other narcissistic types who were in my life, I should have never overridden my own internal compass. If there is ever an inner uneasiness about a person from the onset, then that is a red flag that should be heeded for a reason … no matter how subtle it seems.
Red Flag 2
The rift-raft around Mr. Charm taking me on a “date” to celebrate my birthday was deceptive. I would only come to realize this after the fact. Instead, I blamed his strange behavior on the fact that perhaps he was nervous to just come out and ask me on a “date”. Mr. Charm is a grown man, and at the time, he was 42. So he had definitely had enough time to navigate life and relationships. He was no wimp, and he was not shy. He was just manipulative and deceptive, but I did not see this despite sensing that something was off.
Mr. Charm had been asking others questions about me. He had done quite a bit of research as I would come to learn later. He wanted to find out as much as he could about me. He even interacted with my dad behind my back. They exchanged numbers while we were overseas. My dad actually liked Mr. Charm. Had Mr. Charm not have talked to my dad, I doubt he would have ever found out my birthdate on his own. The other mutual “friends” we shared would not have known. So, I realized that Mr. Charm knew that he was going to ask me out for my birthday all along. Why did he lie about it? What was the reason?
Red Flag 3
As if I did not need any more red flags, the date should have really been the end for me. It was a disaster. The date itself was a major red flag. It should have been a warning for me to halt, stop, cease, not go full speed ahead! For instance, prior to leaving for the date, I battled severe anxiety. I figured that I was nervous because I had not been on a date in such a long time. But this anxiety felt over the top as I had a foreboding feeling as if something bad was going to happen. I now realize that the anxiety was an internal warning … my intuition … the Spirit of God … all flashing red lights at me as they all signaled danger ahead because danger was surely ahead.
Furthermore, while at the restaurant, this man flirted with the waitresses, but I put it off on his being an extrovert with a very outgoing personality. He told me several chapters of his life story from the time the date began. With each changing story, he was the main character (of course) and the perpetual victim despite. He told me so much about himself that I could not even take it all in, but at the same time, he inadvertently told me who he really was as a person without the mask. In addition, he even took jabs at me with devaluing comments that were so subtle that I only recognized his devaluation of me after I reviewed the events of the date.
Red Flag 4
He ghosted me for three weeks. Basically, he forced upon me his brand of the silent treatment. He gave me no reasons nor explanations. I was out of his sight, and therefore, out of his mind. Then, when his silent treatment against me was over, he reverted back to behaving as if nothing was ever wrong. In retrospect, I should have high-tailed it to the closest exit away from him, but I had not learned the lessons I needed to know about narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic abuse. Despite already having a track record with quite a few narcissists during my life, I was still inept at knowing what I needed to know to equip myself. I was surely going to learn. I was surely going to see more red flags too.
How many red flags are too many?
I did not know how many red flags were too many. I was dull of seeing and hearing. So, foolishly and blindly, I stuck around Mr. Charm like a devotee to find out. For some reason, I thought that I was going to be able to help him. I could not have been more deceived. I would have to learn that I was going to need to be able to help myself the most.
Stay tuned for more red flags.
My Voice Unchained 