What Was It Going To Take?
As time progressed, I became more trauma bonded to Mr. Charm. I felt compassion for him and his life story. I did feel that he had experienced trauma that had affected his life in major ways. Despite the trauma bond, however, I fought off the notion that there could be anything more than a friendship with Mr. Charm because of his display of extremely toxic behaviors. There were so many red flags. What more was it going to take for me to get out the situation and walk away?
More Red Flags
Red Flag 1
Mr. Charm ran hot and cold all of the time. I felt myself constantly walking on eggshells with him. If he called me about my day, and I just happened to vent about my stresses with a colleague, he would berate me and uplift the colleague instead. He would blame me for being a negative person. He would pinpoint all of the the flaws he believed he saw in me that I needed to change to make myself a better person. He would constantly offer up suggestions for me too. At some point after looking inward and feeling condemned by his words, I no longer shared the details of my days with him. I would come to understand that he did not care about my days anyway.
Red Flag 2
As things progressed in our so-called friendship, Mr. Charm and I spent more time together hanging out. In the beginning, there were times it felt like good companionship. Yet, all the while, my guard was always up around him because of his toxic behavior. We seemingly had a lot in common until we did not. He seemed to love arguing for the sake of arguing. Even if he actually agreed with me on most topics, he would still find error in what I said as a point to keep me in my place. We could not agree to disagree. He could disagree, and I would have to accept it. Yet, he would become like a pouty kid having a silent tempter tantrum if I dared to have a different opinion. He only ever sided with me when what I said met his expectations against others.
Red Flag 3
Mr. Charm was such a future faker. He constantly spoke of the future in terms of “we” and “us”. His plans for us would always falter, however. He would constantly flake on plans and often at the last minute. He would only follow through when he sensed me pulling away from his madness. He would also gaslight me by changing the dates and times we set to meet.
Mr. Charm wanted to be perceived as a well-rounded man. He was many things like a movie buff, a connoisseur of fine foods, an outdoorsman, and in his words, a jack of all trades but a master of none. When we did hang out, we constantly did things his way, saw movies he wanted to see, and ate what he wanted to eat. When we did outside activities, only his activities were deemed as interesting, and if he decided to do something I liked, he would make sure to let it be known that it was his “original” idea.
He never showed any desire to get to know my interests even if my interests were similar to his interests. He would always behave as if I had not expanded my view of the world by experiencing “life”. He considered me bland and boring despite the fact that I am actually a very adventurous person – taking on dares and risks that he would not even consider.
Red Flag 4
Mr. Charm never wanted to be wrong about anything even when he was wrong. He discredited me on nearly everything that I said about any given subject. He was a fact checker, and when he could not check the facts or the facts proved that I was right, as was usually the case, he would make devaluing comments against me. Of course, these comments would often silence me – making me turn my thoughts inward.
He constantly fact checked with others too – especially with mutual people we both knew that were also people who did not like me. If those people pointed out inaccuracies in anything that I said simply because they did not like me, even if I was correct, their word on the matter was the final confirmation to him. He always needed to prove me wrong about everything so that he could taunt me about how I lacked as much intelligence as him despite my many degrees.
Red Flag 5
During brief periods of love bombing by Mr. Charm, I was invited into his world. He actually gave me glimpses of the people that he admired to the point that he wanted me to meet them. These people were who he dubbed as his surrogate family and he felt they were just as close to him as his real family. I would later realize that he was a leech and very envious of this surrogate family’s successes despite his own success.
The first time he invited me to visit with his surrogate family, he was excited. His excitement gave me the impression that there was more about “us” than there really was at the time. I would often have to check myself to make sure I was not placing hopes in anything more with him. I often kept in check the growing dislike and agitation I felt when having spent time with him. I always felt drained and depleted, and this kept things for me in perspective.
However, despite Mr. Charm’s future faking, I decided to go on the trip to gain a better understanding of him and his world. The entire trip on the way, he prepared me for the people that I would meet. He pumped them up to me with so many accolades that when I met them, I would only believe what he told me about them. However, the visit did not go as planned because the main person he wanted me to meet was unavailable.
He wanted me to meet his bestfriend that he also called his brother. Since his bestfriend was not around for the visit, I watched Mr. Charm’s entire demeanor fall into a bit of a stupor. Our visit was cut somewhat short with some excuse he made to leave early. His surrogate parents were shocked and a bit disappointed with this abrupt change in plans. Although the family was nice to me, I gathered that there were some issues where Mr. Charm was concerned with them. At the time, I could not easily put my finger on the issues.
On the way back from the visit, the very people that Mr. Charm pumped up with accolades, he tore down with vicious words. It did not even sound like he was talking about the same people. He reminded me that things were not always as they seemed, and I had to agree because his demeanor had certainly changed from the start to the end of the trip. I had to wonder why his best friend had such an effect on his mood.
On the ride back, I listened to Mr. Charm berate this family for all he believed they were worth simply because his best friend did not bother to be present up on our visit. I did not realize it until after the fact that I was seeing the glimpses Mr. Charm’s rage – a rage that I did not completely understand. I figured he was letting his guard down with me, but he was really allowing his mask to fall. I did not realize that the fallen mask would later show me the face of the man I would see against me.
Red Flag 6
For a man who wanted to give the impression that he was certainly more intelligent than me, he often came off as really dumb. Sorry, but I do not know a better way to put it. He just seemed dumb. He often asked me questions that I would immediately turn my head to and just stare at him because I often could not believe that he was asking me such dumb questions. He liked to say that I only had “book smarts” but lacked common sense. Yet, he was the one who seemed to lack both. I usually always answered his questions, though, in the most humble way possible. I could often see the look in his eyes that appeared to be a look of vulnerability. It was like I was explaining things to a child. These were the times that he seemed eager to know. It was strange.
Also, for such a “spiritual man” he often seemed to be ignorant of spiritual facts as well. We were never on the same page spiritually even when he gave the impression that we were on the same page. He would often attempt to square with me and bring me into spiritual debates regarding information he did not even know himself. He presented himself as an upstanding man filled with knowledge, love, and compassion. However, he proved to me every moment that I was with him that he was nothing more than an imposter. Although he had knowledge of many things, it was hard for me to see his love or his compassion. I could not feel these either.
What Was It Going To Take?
But what was it going to take though? Even these red flag examples were not enough to deter me from being a good friend to Mr. Charm. There was a whole lot more that I stuck around for.
Stay tuned …
My Voice Unchained 