Too Many Red Flags
There were far too many red flags in the situation with Mr. Charm. I saw them clearly. I questioned them as I discerned them. Yet, discerning and questioning the red flags as they came did me no good. I was still choosing to remain in the situation with him. I felt stuck.
I somehow blindly believed that I had to stay. I was under the guise that I must be that loyal friend and take what was given to me no matter how I was mistreated. Looking back, I realize how absurd that was of me. I cannot make any excuses. I had the wrong mindset.
The Wrong Mindset
The wrong mindset of believing that to be a good person who was kind and loving was to take what was given to me – especially the bad – and make lemonade. I am sure you may have heard the saying that when life gives us lemons, we can go and make lemonade. I had the lemons for sure, but I did not make lemonade. I gave the lemons away because they are naturally tart. Life was tart when dealing with narcissists.
My wrong mindset had me giving away all that I had until I was too exhausted to give anymore. My false thinking had me being the ever longsuffering and loyal friend by default. I was so loyal that I placed the needs of everyone else above my own and kept silent. All the while, however, I was growing ever more resentful inside of myself while waiting for change. I was willing to change. The narcissists in my life were faking change.
Eventually, I had to create my own change and take a stand for myself. It would be a long time coming though. Whatever it was that I was intent on learning, I was bound to learn, but it was taking far too many red flags waving all around me before I finally realized that I needed to understand my worth even if no one else did. I had to change my way of thinking and actually consider myself. I had not ever considered myself. I was taught that I was not supposed to, and I took this mindset into my adulthood and displayed this mindset in all of my relationships.
So there I was in a friendship with Mr. Charm that was less than ideal. I was filled with future hopes for better things to come that would remain unfulfilled, but I knew deep down the reality of it all because I had been raised in a narcissistic family. Nothing was going to change. Despite Mr. Charm’s displays of attempting to “change”, he remained unchanged, filled with a silent rage, and overtly critical of my every move. There were so many other red flags that I passed off as being a part of his “quirky” behavior. Like everyone else, I reasoned “that’s just who he is.”
My Voice Unchained 