More Red Flags
When Hanging Out Feels Like Something Else
Mr. Charm was invited to a sporting event by his surrogate parents. According to him, they wanted me to come along too. It was during a time I took a little break from him because I was tired of trying to understand his mistreatment of me. I was constantly googling he meanings of his different behaviors in an attempt to understand him. I was also busy with my own life – working hard in graduate school to understand the many facets of mental health. Meanwhile, my life was being drained by a garden variety of narcissists.
I guess Mr. Charm interpreted my little break as a disappearance, and he wanted to make sure I was not “gone”. So he told me about this sporting event and really wanted me to go based on how he talked it up. I was not feeling it, and I was not too eager to go either. Like most introverts, I hate being in crowded spaces. I hate feeling my energy drained by others. So the moment he mentioned this event and the fact that other people were going to be involved, I knew I was going to need to mentally prepare myself for the outing. Outings with other people are a huge deal for me. So, I was glad that he was thoughtful enough to give me some advanced notice.
When the day arrived, I felt great anxiety. After working all week, I was not sure how to preserve my social battery for this event. Being around narcissists drains my energy fast. I have had to learn ways to cope and contain my energy to prevent so much of it from seeping out of me. I was going to be riding with Mr. Charm. His over-the-top loudness was draining enough. I planned to do what I normally did when hanging with narcissists. I would listen to Mr. Charm talk and keep my engagement with his conversations by nodding, responding with “hmm”, “mmhmm”, and “uh huh”. I would also throw in a couple of “really’s” to make sure to prove I was listening. Of course, I was always listening, but it required so much of my energy to talk and work myself up only to be drained later.
When we finally arrived to the event, I was still anxious because I did not know what to expect with the crowds. We met up his surrogate parents and sat down on the bleachers as spectators. Mr. Charm’s surrogate parents seemed happy but also surprised to see me. I immediately knew that they were not expecting me to be there even though Mr. Charm claimed that they were looking forward to me attending. Based on their silent but surprised reaction to me, I felt that I was nothing more than Mr. Charm’s plus one. I wondered if there was someone else that was supposed to have gone in my place. I actually commented about his surrogate parents’ reaction to me. Mr. Charm laughed sheepishly, but I could tell he was bothered by the implication that I had caught him in a lie.
Love Bombing Galore
I was expecting that Mr. Charm would immediately simmer his love bombing actions down towards me and begin devaluing me, but that was not the case. Instead, he revved up his love bombing and showered so much attention upon me that I actually felt uncomfortable. In some ways his efforts to show platonic affection towards me did not seem altogether genuine. I realized that he was making public displays on my behalf for his surrogate parents’ sakes. Plus, It appeared that he wanted to seem as if he was in great spirits. Mr. Charm was the life of the party wherever he went, and this sporting event was no exception.
We took a lot of pictures. Mr. Charm took lots of pictures with me. It was strange because he went from treating me like his “buddy” (a nickname he gave me) to treating me like a girlfriend. He was extremely touchy-feely, a nd his behavior garnered looks from his surrogate parents. I assumed he was putting on a show for them. I chose not to play into it at all. I knew his behavior, and he had a tendency to change his behavior on a dime.
Nevertheless, we laughed a lot, and he showed me around the sporting arena and told me about some of its history. He gave me the ins and outs of the sport and even introduced me to some of the team members he knew. I was completely out of my element, but he was completely inside of his. I was in the world of extroverts. So, I mostly smiled and nodded my way through it all. I was also confused too. Mr. Charm waded us through crowds while holding onto my arm or holding my hands. He seemed to illustrate protectiveness, but I could not trust on my own. I also noted how he leaned into me a lot with attempts to get closer to me. It was all so very strange.
Yet, admittedly, I was drawn in by the need for intimacy. This is not to be interpreted as a need for sex. When I speak of intimacy, I speak of a need for me to have closeness with someone – a connection of depth and time spent in someone getting to know me for me and me getting to know them for them. His touches seemed like a kind gesture of affection. He gave me the impression that he cared about me. However, I was not easily fooled by this though. It was a one-day event, and I sensed that he had an agenda to fulfill. I was just not sure of what his agenda was at the time. I assumed that it all had to do with his surrogate parents, but I was not completely sure.
Nevertheless, I was drawn into the faux intimacy that Mr. Charm displayed because true intimacy is what I lacked in all of my relationships. I was always around narcissists and people who displayed toxic traits. I needed and desired connection, and during this event, Mr. Charm was attempting to create a connection with me even if it was not real. I was not sure why, but the very fact that I was even questioning his motives was a major red flag because he always ran hot and cold with me. I did not trust him. I could not completely relax. Would I have preferred to live a day of pretend? The day would end, and Mr. Charm would just go back to his hot and cold ways. He was love bombing me for a purpose.
Changes Within The Love Bombing Phase
We had walked around the sporting event, and for some reason I felt more like his date than a friend just hanging out with him. It was weird. We even ran into one of my colleagues at this event with hundreds of people. When I introduced Mr. Charm as a friend of mine to this colleague, a look of offense surfaced on Mr. Charm’s face. I was both confused and flattered at the same time. I did not know it then, though, but Mr. Charm was bonding me to him. The confusion that was induced by this situation that he was creating was meant to have me question the status of our friendship. Was he more into me than I thought was meant to become a deeper and more thought-provoking question that he would use this to ambush me later. At the time, I was so unaware.
Once the event was over, Mr. Charm’s surrogate parents invited us out to dinner. We ate a delicious meal all while Mr. Charm bedazzled us with his jovial personality. He seemed to be in a great mood. Other patrons within the restaurant eyed our table several times as Mr. Charm threw out a series of his funny anecdotes to capture attention. His outward displays of affection towards me gave his surrogate parents and me the subtle impression that there was a whole lot more going on between us than there really was on the surface. However, there was nothing going on between us, and I was just as confused as his surrogate parents were surprised. What in the world was up with him? I felt myself becoming annoyed because I realized that I was being used in some type of game he had concocted. Only if nothing about this time was a lie, but narcissists live to create lies.
After the meal was done, we all exchanged pleasantries and were on our way to leaving the restaurant. While walking to the car, I was cheerfully talking to Mr. Charm about the days events when another group of people were heard walking behind us. One of the people (a woman) complimented me on my outfit to which another person in the group (a man) responded by saying that I dressed in a cool and classy way. Mr. Charm laughed; I turned to thank both of the people. As we got closer to the car, Mr. Charm turned to me and said, “so you think you’re something, don’t you?” I was caught off balance and immediately felt the sting. I was stunned. I did not know what to say. I paused for a moment to catch my words.
“What? I don’t understand,” I responded to him, “What do you mean?”
Mr. Charm just smirked at me without really even looking in my direction, but I could see the glare within his eyes. His eyes were glassy. I could tell by his glassy stare that there was a darkness that overshadowed his naturally brown eyes though the sun was setting. He eyes had the appearance of black coals. I could see in his demeanor that he was trying very hard to compose himself. I could hear in his voice that he was angry. I could tell that that he was bearing his teeth down into a tight grit. He open the car door and sat down with force. I got into the car bewildered and confused as to what had happened. What in the world had happened to the man that was showing me such affection during the entire time of the sporting event? When had the love bomb fizz out and turn to hate?
More Red Flags
Red Flag 1
Mr. Charm was invited to a sporting event by his surrogate parents. According to him, they wanted me to come along too. It was during a time I took a little break from him because I was trying to understand his mistreatment of me as well as attend to my own life. I was working hard in graduate school as well as dealing with other life draining narcissists.
I guess he interpreted my little break as a disappearance, and he wanted to make sure I was not “gone”. So he told me about this sporting event, and I was not too eager to go. Like most introverts, I hate being in crowded spaces. I hate feeling my energy drained by others. So I was going to need to mentally prepare myself for the outing. I was glad that he thought enough to give me notice.
On the day of the event, I rode with him. We met his surrogate parents at the event, and they seemed happy but surprised to see me. I immediately knew that they were not expecting me even thought Mr. Charm claimed that they were looking forward to me attending. I was nothing more than his plus one. I wondered if there was someone else that was supposed to have gone in my place. I actually questioned him about it privately and in the most nonthreatening way. He laughed, but I could tell he was bothered by the implication that I had caught him in a lie.
I was expecting that he would immediately simmer his love bombing actions down towards me and begin devaluing me, but that was not the case. He revved up his love bombing and showered so much attention upon me that I actually felt uncomfortable because his efforts did not seem altogether genuine. I realized that he was making public displays for his surrogate parents’ sakes, and he wanted to seem as if he was in good spirits.
We took pictures, laughed a lot, and he showed me around the sporting arena. He gave me the ins and outs of the sport and even introduced me to some of the people he knew. I was completely out of my element. I was the world of extroverts. I mostly smiled and nodded my way through it. I was also confused too. Mr. Charm waded us through crowds while holding onto my arm or holding my hands. I also noted how he leaned into me a lot with attempts to get closer to me. It was strange.
I was drawn in by the need for intimacy. This is not to be interpreted as a need for sex. When I speak of intimacy, I speak of a need for me to have closeness with someone – a connection of depth and time spent in someone getting to know me for me and me getting to know them for them. I was drawn into what I lacked in all of my relationships because I was always around narcissistic types of people. I needed connection, and during this event, Mr. Charm was attempting to create a connection with me. I was not sure why, but the very fact that I was even questioning his motives was a major red flag because he always ran hot and cold with me. I did not trust him.
From Love Bombing To Devaluation
As he drove us to pick up my car, there was a a great moment of silence. In retrospect, I can see that he was punishing me with the silent treatment. He was also stonewalling me by not responding to anything I did say prior to me recognizing that he was refusing to respond to me. He created an atmosphere of intimidation and fear. The eggshells were now present, and it was much to dangerous for me to walk upon them without cracking them. I could only wonder what I had done to cause such a reaction. I could only wonder what happened to the love? What in the world had provoked this man into behaving in this way? I found his pouty tantrum of silence so immature, but at the same time, he exhibited a huge presence within the car that made me reconsider questioning him.
Finally, when we were almost to the destination for me to pick up my car, he spoke up. He sounded angry, but he attempted to be calm. I focused on how his chest seem to pulsate the energy that surrounded him. I did not want to tap into his energy field at all. His energy emitted so much negativity. Then I watched his mouth move as he talked to me. He said that he did not appreciate how I had behaved around him when I introduced him to my colleague. I was confused and responded “What?” I did not know what he was talking about. I backtracked into my memory to think about what had transpired and wondered if we were both in the same location at the same time regarding my colleague. “What?”
He thought that my behavior was strange and that I acted as if I was disgusted by the thought that the colleague thought he was my boyfriend when I introduced him as just a friend. I was shocked! How did he figure the colleagued thought this if the colleague did not say it? How did he figure this when even I never suggested it? What did he really hear me say? What did my colleague do? All I could respond to him with was “But we aren’t a couple. So why would I introduce you as anyone other than a friend? Aren’t we friends?” I looked at his eyes. He would not look at me but looked straight ahead into the dark night sky.
Then he responded that he thought that we could be more, but because of my behavior he was now at the place of just wanting to see where things would go and how they would progress. He said he did not have much hope. He reacted in a way towards me that gave the inclination that I had somehow missed my chance with him. Yet, there were no chances that I was even aware of in the first place. I was so confused. I did not even know how to respond to him. He indicated that I had hurt his feelings and did not even seem sorry about it. My eyes felt stuck in a position of dazed bewilderment. My actual thought was “Dude, are you crazy?” I scanned my memory and recalled a few times that his eyes showed offense, but I never saw those eyes appear when I introduced him to my colleague. He actually appeared disinterested as if the colleague was beneath him. Perhaps I perceived it all wrong. I apologized to him in the sincerest way possible as I thought about where I went wrong. There was no use. He had already taken the perceived offense and buried it within the bottomless pit of his held grudges.
So, the fun day of activity had ended on a sour note, but I thanked him for the fun evening. I then drove home completely baffled by the events that unfolded and rescanned my memory to review the details of the day. Then it dawned on me that his overly affectionate behavior towards me might have been his way of setting the stage for his devaluation of me. Despite his public display of love bombs towards me, his energy exhibited something different. It all felt forced. It felt off. It felt like a performance. The day had been a long and exhausting one, and I still had to go home and process it all. It was just too much to think about through my exhaustion. I was totally peopled out from so much extroverting. So I gave it all a rest until the next day when I wrote down the details in my journal.
And So the Cycle Begins Again
The next time Mr. Charm and I met up, I attempted to address the previous situation, but he was not having any of it. Instead, he evaded my attempts to discuss it by interrupting me and diverting the attention away from the topic. He then abruptly ended the conversation by loudly saying that I had failed the test. “What test?” He folded his arms in response and looked sternly into my eyes. I searched his eyes to comprehend the brevity of the words to follow, but I found myself feeling more confused instead. At this point, I actually wanted to laugh. He sounded ridiculous. The whole thing was ridiculous to me.
With no explanation from him, I was simply not going to know what he was testing me for, but I could feel that this was just another one of his ploys of shutting down our conversation so that he could move on to another topic. He was great at deflecting from serious discussions. Yet, when he was done, he was done. All I could do was sigh. I sighed in frustration because of having to deal with such crazymaking behavior. I sighed because I had failed a test that I did not know that I was even taking. I realized that I was hanging out with a person that made it seemed there was something else going on. I just did not know what that was except that he was driving me crazy. That is all I could determine that was going on. I was going crazy, and I could only brace myself for much more to come.
Stay tuned …
My Voice Unchained 