The Friendzone
After my first “date” (my birthday) with Mr. Charm, I decided that although the potential for romantic possibilities might be there, they would most likely lead me down a road to heartbreak. That first “date” had left me in tears on my drive home because I had seen enough red flags from Mr. Charm’s behavior that night. His behaviors had signaled too much toxicity. We could never be romantic partners. Never! I was not wrong.
The friendzone was the best place for me to be with Mr. Charm, but even that was a dangerous place. I decided that I liked Mr. Charm enough to see the friendship through, but I wanted nothing else. I assumed from his own behavior that he must have believed the same because he actually said so. He told me that I would not make a good romantic partner because I had too many issues. I chuckle now when I recall him saying this. I chuckle because I literally dodged a bullet of extinction. Yet, many times, I was left baffled and confused by his behavior. The more I dismissed the idea of romance, the more he seemed to pursue me through love bombing.
The Charming Narcissist
Mr. Charm was extremely charismatic, but the more I got to know him, the more I saw that this charisma was simply a ruse he turned on whenever he needed narcissistic supply. He wore many masks. Just like he had told me he was a jack of all trades but a master of none, I realized that he was a chameleon and transformed himself into the person he thought he needed to be around whoever he was with at the time. He simply blended in to make himself fit. I think it was much easier for him to be the jokester to make everyone laugh even when he was battling ever changing moods within himself.
Over time, I was able to see the different masks he put on to present to others. With me, he seemed to be more comfortable being his true self or at least closest to his true self as possible. I knew that no one saw the different sides of his personality that I did, and this was confirmed to me whenever we were around different people. I watched him as he contained and hid the ugliest parts of himself. He often behaved in a manner that appeared “fake” to me. He had a public self and a private self. I was so lucky to see the private self, and I imagined that those who were no longer in his life had seen his private self, had enough of his private self, and left him to deal with his private self alone. I would realize over time that those that left him were wise to leave.
Mr. Charm’s charisma made him even more attractive compared to the physicality of his actual attractiveness. Don’t get me wrong though. He was actually quite physically attractive, but his turned on charisma did more for him outwardly. With charisma, Mr. Charm influenced the people around him. He mesmerized people with his charm by using his physical appearance and sense of humor to win them over. Otherwise, I found him to be just another handsome man who attempted to hide a very negative disposition. His negative disposition was never presented to those on the outside because he needed to keep his reputation intact. It was obvious to me, however, that he had many faces to display with others.
If his mask ever slipped to endanger his public persona I would literally watch him as he stuffed whatever emotional rage he contained downward within him. He was like a ticking time bomb on the verge of explosion, and he often unleashed his anger during the devaluation phase of narcissistic abuse against me. Other times he would vent to me about his frustrations regarding the people who were unable to see his fake persona. In his eyes, these people were fools, but he was so desperate to impress them. He always seemed desperate to impress those he considered of high status. What they thought about him meant a lot to him, and he aimed to please them and impress them with his charms.
In Pursuit
I was not impressed by Mr. Charm despite my like of him. Anyone who could care less was a challenge for him. I was a challenge for him in the very beginning simply because I had no interest in him and was not immediately drawn in by his charisma. I was not even enticed by his looks. On first thought, he was not even a pleasant thought. I considered him to be a nuisance. My rebuttals against him as well as my refusal to engage with him obviously was the motivation he needed to come after me in hot pursuit.
So, Mr. Charm pursued me until he won me over. I suppose for a time he assumed that I was actually really into him, and admittedly, I did like him and thought there was a romantic possibility. Yet, I quickly ruled out any romantic possibility when I saw glimpses of a hidden rage within him that appeared familiar to me. I began to take a closer look at Mr. Charm and wondered if he might have narcissistic personality disorder. I had been studying up on this personality disorder as well as going to school to increase my knowledge of it along with other mental health concerns. Yet, it was often difficult for me to pinpoint the truth about this disorder concerning Mr. Charm while I was being targeted for his narcissistic abuse.
While in the cycle of narcissistic abuse, I experienced a lot of gaslighting, devaluing criticisms, and moments of discard from Mr. Charm. Sometimes I did not know whether I was going or coming. I did not trust myself enough to accept my own reasonings at time even though deep down I knew something was wrong with him. Eventually, my suspicions would be confirmed to me, but, unfortunately, that confirmation would not be enough to make me walk away from him. I had not studied up on how narcissists never change. I had a false notion that he would, but I was also holding out for other narcissists within my life to change too. I still had a lot of learning to do. I still had my own growing to do. I still needed to understand myself while attempting to understand him.
Needless to say, Mr. Charm pursued me relentlessly all while he maintained enough distance from me so that he could readily reject me if accepted his advances. In my deception, I believed that his distance or pulling away from me was him trying to fight against the fact that he cared for me. I was so wrong. I was so deceived. He did not care for me. He did not care for me at all. He only cared about the thrill of the chase. He was playing games. I could not see that he was attempting to entrap me. I could not see that he wanted to ultimately control me. Once he caught me in his trap, he would then taunt me. I was only aware of this after the fact.
Mr. Charm was not pursuing me because he wanted romance, he was pursuing me because he wanted to break me down. He wanted control over me, and he wanted to have something to hold over me to hurt me. His pursuit of me was for his benefit and my destruction. There was never any intention on his part of truly connecting with me in an intimate way at all. He did not want to know me at all. I was just great narcissistic supply for him. He was just a charming narcissist. The friendzone was the best place for us to be at the time even though it was not a place I should have been at all. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have cut off contact with him for good after the first date, but those experiences yielded me lessons, and I had more lessons to come.
I learned a lot. Stay tuned.
My Voice Unchained 