Turning On The Sex Appeal
Occasionally, I would find myself questioning whether there was a sexual attraction between Mr. Charm and me. Sometimes the atmosphere around him would feel so magnetically charged with sex, lust, and all the stuff that creates the sensation of animalistic attraction. I sometimes sensed that he was purposefully creating this type of environment to allure me because this environment did not exist between us otherwise. I can only describe it as an environment with a lot of magnetic charge meant to induce thoughts and feelings of sex. I felt like I was being seduced by him but in a controlled way.
Seduction does have elements of control. Many times I noted how it appeared that Mr. Charm was attempting to seduce me in a way to bring me under his influence. He could be quite verbally persuasive using his charisma to sway people to follow his lead. As I stated in a previous post, he had a public persona and a private persona. I had first met his public persona – the charismatic man that oozed such an appeal that one could not help but be bedazzled, mesmerized, and bewitched by his charms. Then there was his private persona where he oozed absolutely nothing at all except a lot of negativity, doubts, and fears.
For me, it is difficult to be seduced by someone who oozes negativity, fears, and doubts. I had seen and experienced Mr. Charm’s private persona, and there was nothing seductive about it at all. So when he attempted to seduce me on a few occasions, I was confused and questioned within myself if I was being drawn into some type of entrapment. I often sensed that this man inwardly hated me. So I found myself often questioning his motives towards me. If we were friends, then there was no need for seduction in my mind. I wondered if he was confused or was trying to be funny.
Anytime I sensed Mr. Charm increasing his skill of persuasion towards me in an effort to subdue me, I would feel myself immediately freeze up on the inside. I noticed the magnetic charge within the atmosphere, but I was fearful of it. I did not trust it. I did not trust him. I hated those moments, and it was only in the beginning that I played into them and found some sort of comfort in them because I felt hopeful of better things to come. Yet, when his mask often slipped to reveal his real, but private, persona, I knew deeply within me that caving into his seductive measures would be my ruin. Therefore, I tried to avoid him during those times. I actually rebuffed what I sensed as seduction from him. I played dumb.
I always felt that Mr. Charm did not really like me, but I was not aware of all the games that narcissists played to gain the highest forms of narcissistic supply back then. Looking back now, I am so very glad that I did not go anywhere romantically with him. It was a struggle enough just to be friends. Excuse my language here, but he was a jackass! I am so glad that we never became physically involved in a sexual relationship either. Furthermore, I am so glad that I proceeded with caution and listened to my gut even though I clearly did not hear some things well enough.
Unfortunately, I was still somehow bound to Mr. Charm in loyalty to see the friendship through. That has always baffled me as to why I stuck by him as a friend, but then that has always been a pattern with me – to stick by friends even to my detriment. I realize now that this was the people-pleaser within me … always dependable and loyal by default. Clearly, I was trauma bonded, but I was thankful that there were no ties to him through sex. Mr. Charm tried his best to woo me with the art of his seduction though.
Stay tuned more of my story.
My Voice Unchained 