Burning Up With Rage
After an afternoon out on the river, Mr. Charm, his surrogate father, his best friend, and his best friend’s companion, returned to the campsite. It was time to get dinner started. I had somewhat regained my energy having had some time alone. I felt at peace and at ease. The day was winding down, and I was so glad that we were leaving the next morning. I had had enough.
When Mr. Charm returned to the tent, he glanced over and saw me sitting near the riverbank’s edge. I was watching the tide of water wade in and out. When I turned to look in his direction, he walked towards me with a solemn look. All of the things that he said to me in that moment were words filled with accusation, shaming, disappointment, anger, rage, and mockery. I did not respond. His words bounced off of my back, and I invisibly batted them into the water. The sound of his voice was filled with contained but vibrational rage.
“You should have come out with us!”
“You missed a lot of fun.”
“We caught a lot of fish?”
“What do you plan on eating if you were out to catch anything?”
“What’s the point of taking a camping trip if you are not going to enjoy it?”
“Why are you so moody?”
“Why are you pulling away from everybody?”
“You’re so anti-social.”
“No wonder you don’t have any friends.”
“Who likes you anyway?”
“Did you at least talk to and spend some time with my mom?”
“You shouldn’t try to spend so much time alone.”
“You’re showing others how selfish you really are.”
“Why did you agree to come along on this trip anyway?”
“My best friend thinks you’re cool, but his girlfriend does not.”
“You need to come help out for dinner.”
Dinner
There was a lot of discussion regarding the day’s outing on the boat. I listened as they all shared. Then Mr. Charm asked his surrogate mother what she did with her time. She mentioned me by saying “Your friend and I had great conversation. She is good company. I can see why she is your friend. She is a lot like so-and-so (Mr. Charm’s best friend); he enjoys time alone too.”
For a moment, Mr. Charm was silent, but then he looked over at me and remarked, “She is good people sometimes! Heh-heh-heh! I just wished she had come out with us. She might have helped us to catch more fish.” Everyone else chimed about the amount of fish each person caught. Mr. Charm’s best friend included, “Don’t worry. He only caught one!” Everyone laughed. Mr. Charm laughed sheepishly, but I knew he wasn’t happy being laughed at.
Once dinner was over, we all helped clean up and then prepared ourselves for the night. Mostly everyone was tired enough that they retired to bed early. I gathered my toiletries and made my way to the campsite bathhouse. While on the way, I encountered Mr. Charm’s best friend’s companion.
I let bygones be bygones and took the high road by speaking nicely to her. She responded in kind. We had a small but pleasant conversation about the trip. I think we both knew we would probably never see each other again, but I wished that we had entered the trip on more pleasant terms. Did she realize that I was not the problem or had she accomplished her task? I do not know.
Shoes On Fire
Once I arrived back to the tent from the campground showers. I heard Mr. Charm call my name. He had made a fire near the river bank and was sitting in one of the lounge chairs. The burning fire had created an ambiance of warmth and relaxation in the night. I walked over to him to see what he wanted with me.
He wanted me to sit down so that we could chat. He claimed that he felt like we had not really spent any time together on this trip. I looked at him in disbelief, but I listened. I was not sure he was going to apologized, but I did not bother to brace myself to wait for him to do so. His track record of apologies were inconsistent.
He talked about the various events of the trip that I was already well aware of since I was there. It was as if he were reminiscing. In fact, I began to realize that he was reminiscing a life that no longer existed for him when he began talking about how he and his best friend met, how they maneuvered through life in their younger days, and how they were faring at that moment.
I recognized the admiration he had for his friend, but I also heard the sounds of resentment when he discussed his friend’s successes based on how he would handle things differently compared to his friend if he were living that life in the moment. I found it to be a strange conversation, but I had experienced this type of conversation with other narcissists before. I was nothing more than a listening ear. There was nothing that I needed to say. There was nothing that I wanted to say.
As the night drew later, the air became colder. We both moved our chairs closer to the fire. The atmosphere of the night felt calm, and I did not want it to end for that reason. I wished that the days prior on this trip had been a lot calmer without the drama. That was my wishful thinking. I suppose Mr. Charm sensed that I was cold. He leaned over to put is jacket around me. I was taken aback, but in his doing so, he knocked over a container of water. The water spilled all over my shoes.
The water made my toes feel frozen. So I immediately took my shoes off. He apologized and then took my shoes and socks and placed them nearby the fire to dry. He got up to get me a blanket from his truck for my feet. Then he continued to talk. It wasn’t long before we both smelled the burning of rubber. It was my shoes. He had placed them too close to the fire. A pair had started to melt on the side. He immediately grabbed them and laughed nervously giving them back to me.
“I’m sorry,” he said. I was quiet. The shoes were brand new. At least they weren’t expensive. They had been on sale for less than $30. I said, “It’s okay” even though it was not. I do not believe my shoes being burned was intentional though. I felt it was an honest mistake. There was no sense in showing myself to be upset to ruin the night. It had been the first moment of peace I had experienced with Mr. Charm since arriving the first day of the trip.
We decided to head to the tent to our individual sleeping bags. I could not wait until the morning. I needed the trip to be over. Once in our sleeping bags to go to sleep, Mr. Charm continued talking. I fought drifting off to listen. He spoke of so many things. His voice even sounded apologetic for his behavior but without an apology. It seemed all so sentimental. Then he I felt him turn over in my direction.
I turned over, and he leaned in to kiss me. I felt my body tense up. The kiss was unexpected. What was he doing? My eyes widened, and he burst out laughing. “You ruined the mood!” He yelled and laughed at the same time. I was too stunned to speak. The night was good and peaceful, but I did not feel that it was romantic. In his attempts to kiss me, had it been the best friend’s companion he was thinking of? Or was he really sorry about his behavior towards me?
Instead of feeling a deep connection with him, I felt confused and a bit uncomfortable. Then he leaned back and said that he knew that he was not to touch me … that he was to leave me alone. He then said that “God says you are off limits.” I was silent. I was not sure what he meant by this. He then turned over as if to go to sleep. I could not sleep. I was too befuddled by what had taken place. What had just happened?
Find out in the next blog post.
My Voice Unchained 