Lessons Learned
Mr. Charm’s stroke was a lesson in many things such as patience, persistence, determination, struggle, humility, and vulnerability. There were also lessons in understanding shame, emotional pain, and healing. Yet, more than these important lessons, the stroke Mr. Charm suffered was a lesson regarding the study of the function of the human brain and how the human brain affects the entire function of the body.
That one organ is the central component to the human nervous system. The brain controls so much of human functioning that when something within the brain malfunctions, it throws the entire body out of sync. Mr. Charm’s stroke was a tantamount lesson for me in that I should never take my life for granted because I can be fine today but instantly changed tomorrow.
Life Interrupted
Since I had reentered back into Mr. Charm’s life, I was now back into his narcissistic vortex. Being in his life meant that my own life was interrupted. After over a year of finding my peace outside of him, again, I found myself creating a space for the same narcissist who was prepared to bring me even more devastation in a way that I had not experienced the first time around with him. The second time around, I wore myself thin without having the capacity to see it at the time. I mistakenly believed that I had more than enough empathy for everyone including Mr. Charm.
The second time around, I found that things were different between Mr. Charm and me compared to the first half of our friendship. During the point after Mr. Charm’s stroke, our friendship appeared richer and stronger [at least in my eyes]. I shared in his struggles dealing with the effects of his stroke as I sought ways to help him and be there for him as a friend. I believed it was to my advantage to learn everything I could about his physical condition and the effects the stroke had upon him.
Despite already working a full time job and going to graduate school, I carved out time my already overloaded life of busyness to enter a new arena – learning about the effects of strokes on the brain. It was valuable information and furthered my insight into the brain’s variable functions. I was in awe and fascinated by what the brain can do and how malfunctions within the brain can affect the functioning of the rest of the body. It was time well spent and fit perfectly along with my graduate studies on mental health illnesses and personality disorders.
When Mr. Charm Had A Stroke
When a person experiences a stroke, there are physical changes that are both life changing and life altering. There are also changes in the person’s emotions and personality. No doubt, Mr. Charm had experienced a gamut of changes that I had no clue about. Although I spent a lot of time with him, we were not together 24/7, but we were together more than the first half of our friendship before I walked away.
In fact, I may have only seen him two to three times a week even though that was plenty enough for me being an introvert and having a life of my own. He did not share everything about his health with me because he was learning new things himself, but what he did share with me inspired me to study up on how I could be of more help to him. For that, I believe he was not necessarily grateful but more excited and relieved because I was back as his narcissistic supply!
Mr. Charm’s Stroke Experiences
Mr. Charm always had fears that he would experience future strokes. He mentioned how he felt that he experienced triggers or forewarnings of strokes to come. The first stroke for him came as a shock, however. He described how his body was suddenly catapulted across the room. He did not know what had happened, but prior to the occurrence, he heard himself talking to himself and saw himself walking around himself.
All the while, he said his body felt lifeless on the floor. He could not move. He felt pinned to the floor, and when he tried to position himself, he had to exert all of his energy and efforts to do so. Somehow he managed to drag himself to the phone to dial 911. The 911 dispatcher could not understand him. Mr. Charm said he felt furious that the dispatcher was wasting his time until he realized that what was in his head as words did not come out sounding that way. He did not realize that he was actually not making any sense until he recalled the dispatcher asked him if he spoke English.
To the dispatcher, Mr. Charm’s words sounded like the sounds of someone who had been wounded. So he managed to slow down enough to get out the word “stroke”. He said the phone call with the dispatcher seemed to last a lifetime because she asked him questions that he could not possibly answer if she could not understand him. He grew frantic because he thought he might die before the emergency medical technicians reached him. Fortunately, he was located and taken to the hospital where he remained for a few months receiving he necessary treatment.
Hindsight
Having experienced trauma myself, I wondered if Mr. Charm had dissociated because some of the aspects of what he described reminded me of how it feels when I have dissociated to see myself look down upon myself. His description of experiencing the first stroke sounded as if he had an out-of-body experience. Yet, it also could have been the functioning of his brain in that moment.
Needless to say, I found it amazing that he lived to tell about what happened because it sounded like a near-death experienced. Based on Mr. Charm’s point of view, it was the second stroke that made him feel that he was near death. Before the second stroke happened, he noticed that there were triggers for the onset of the second stroke. He recalled feeling numbness on the left side of his face along with a horrible headache that only grew worse over the course of a few days. He also felt that he was unstable in balance and had trouble walking.
Nevertheless, I thought it was wise for me to know what to do under the circumstances if I ever needed to help him in case he experienced another stroke or even to help myself should I ever have the experience. So I studied about strokes and the brain. I put all of the past I had shared with Mr. Charm aside because I cared about him and I cared enough to believe that all of the harm from the past could be pushed aside.
I sensed that Mr. Charm put all of his issues with me aside too. Yet, one thing to know about a person that has had a stroke is that any disorders that were present prior to the stroke have a high probability of being present after the stroke. The stroke had disordered Mr. Charm’s brain. Narcissistic personality disorder had disordered his personality. The two conditions were not the same. One did not change the other. The conditions simply coexisted. Mr. Charm was still a narcissist. The stroke had not changed that fact, and I was going to see his NPD shine through and through in a more sadistic way.
Stay tuned for more to the story in the next blog post.
My Voice Unchained 