The Physical Effects Of Mr. Charm’s Stroke
The more Mr. Charm and I came into contact with each other after we reconnected, the more I saw the changes that the stroke took him through. The stroke had a dramatic effect on both Mr. Charm’s physical and mental state. He was in many ways a different person because of the stroke but also the same person as it relates to narcissistic personality disorder.
Physically, Mr. Charm was no longer outwardly the same man, but he still had pushed through with the same charismatic charm. In appearance, his left arm was constricted and tightly curled upward and attached to him in a way that his arm was always close to his chest. On his own, he was unable to move his left arm at all. He could not even open his left hand so that his fingers could move. Grasping objects was impossible.
It required Mr. Charm great effort to walk because he had to literally drag his left foot. I was amazed that he could walk at all. Over time, he would regain the ability to walk better, but in the beginning, walking was a difficult and slow task for him. Fortunately, he had will and determination to overcome his physical obstacles and worked on physical therapy everyday.
So that he could reorient himself back to the place he physically was before the stroke, he was given a regimen of physical activities to perform to strengthen the weakened areas of his body. Even though it took great effort for him to do physical therapy exercises to strengthen the left side of his body, he was relentless. I admired his tenacity to stick with it. He never gave up.
The Emotional Effects
Life for Mr. Charm became more difficult as he maneuvered around with only half the mobility he had experienced previously. He was operating with only partial use of his body because one side of him no longer functioned as before because of paralysis from the stroke. There was no doubt that his emotions would be affected by the changes. The greatest display of emotions came through as irritability or overall frustration. As would be the case, he was frequently irritable with his lack of being able to do things as he was previously accustomed to doing with ease.
Before the stroke, Mr. Charm was overtly expressive with his emotions, but he was a stoic and strong man who was able to hide what might be perceived as negative or fragile emotions. He would have never outwardly expressed irritability or anger, but the stroke had left him feeling as if [as he quoted] “half the man that he was before”. Because of this, he often had a hard time keeping his emotions in check. Outbursts were common, but they were often because of his inability to physically do something that was never a problem in the past. I recall him always hiding his emotions. I could detect them inwardly being held at bay, but the effects of the stroke changed all of that.
He often cursed, yelled, and angrily expressed his thoughts when he was unable to physically do something such as button his shirt, tie his shoes, or pick up a fork. These were all activities that required very little thought before because he was able to use both hands, but now he was exerting a lot of energy in attempting to do them with one hand. He eventually had to change his style of dress. Instead of clothing with buttons and zippers, he wore sweatshirts, t-shirts, shorts, and sweatpants – all items that could be easily put on without much fuss. Shoes were a little more difficult to manage because of his shoe size. So he often wore slippers or shoes that could be slipped on easily. Otherwise, he would wait for me to show up to help him by tie his shoes.
A Change In Mindset
Overall, Mr. Charm’s mode of thinking had to change regarding a lot of things. There were several clothing he could no longer wear simply because he could no longer maneuver the buttons, zippers, and other gadgets with only one hand. It was an obvious lesson in humility for him. But even showing humility required effort for him. I could literally see that there was false humility exhibited when we were around others. Deep down within the pit of his being, I could see the rumbling of molten hot magma awaiting a chance to erupt as he did his best to contain an imminent explosion.
Outwardly but also for the sake of being able to get through the days, Mr. Charm had to develop an overall new mindset. He experienced a lot of changes because of the stroke, and these changes affected him in ways that I could not even begin to imagine. I could not completely relate no matter how much I attempted to, no matter how much I was there for him, and no matter how much I read up on information pertaining to his condition. There was nothing I could do but be a friend. Mr. Charm is the one who had to face the days ahead of him. He was the one who had to go through the changes.
Perseverance And A Will To Do Things His Way
In the beginning, it was difficult to see him work so hard to do what was once so effortless. Yet, he was determined to persevere through it. He lived on his own and wanted to return to doing the things he once did before. It was difficult for him to ask for help. So getting back to some semblance of his old self was his greatest goal. He worked daily to achieve this. He walked daily, and eventually I noticed that he was no longer dragging his left foot but walking more with a limp. Daily physical therapy was always his goal, and he assigned me as his partner in achieving this. As a friend, I rose to the task.
If he saw my outward expression of empathy, an expression of annoyance would come across his face, and he would attempt to perform tasks with even more effort. He did not want my pity or the pit of others, and he would tell me so. After a while, I would ignore his attempts to complete tasks using only the right side of his body even though secretly and inwardly, I would cheer for his successes. I was always outwardly proud of him when he expressed to me that he had accomplished performing a new skill that we both had previously taken for granted. A person’s stroke certainly brings the functioning of the body into perspective.
He admitted to me that he fought off having bouts of depression because of his feelings of inadequacy. He prayed to keep depression at bay. He did not want to be seen as a weak man because of what he considered to be a physical malady that would only last for a while. He believed that he would bounce back with the continual practice of his faculties. Over time, he actually showed great improvement and made great gains to the point that he was able to drive again even with the use of one hand [along with car adjustments made to assist his driving with a labeled handicap].
Nevertheless, I suggested a therapist that he might want to bounce his feelings off of and gain new insight. He was insulted by my suggestion- angry even. He said that therapy was for the mentally ill like myself, and he was not mentally ill. He reminded me that his stroke had nothing to do with mental illness, and that much of what he was dealing with were simply the effects of the stroke.
Although I agreed with him, I reminded him that keeping such intense emotions bottled up within him could be detrimental to him later. He shunned my words and told me that I should consider changing my graduate degree major because assisting others with mental health may not be for me if I could not tell the difference between a stroke and depression. I never mentioned therapy to him again. In fact, I never again even tapped dance around the topic. Those were eggshells that simply could not be walked on.
Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I watched him struggle a lot. Forming words to speak was a struggle for him. He had two strokes, and both affected the left side of his brain. The left side of the brain controls speech and language. Mr. Charm told me that when the strokes first happened, he could not speak at all. He could only force air out of his mouth, but over time, his language came through.
Mr. Charm could think words clearly and believed he had formed them correctly until he saw confused reactions on others’ faces. His belief was that practiced made perfect. So he talked to me all the time about any and almost everything. I was patient. I always listened even though there were many times I did not always understand him, but over time, as he improved physically, so did his speaking abilities.
I learned to never let it bother me that nearly all topics of discussion revolved around him. I had learned to set anything about myself to the side. After all, I was being a friend to him despite my need for a friend. Yet, he did not seem to consider that I often came to his aid after a long hard day of work or that I was spending my time assisting him when I had other more pressing needs. Although he appeared thankful and expressed his gratitude, those expressions still came at the expense of my time and efforts to be there. His love bombing me with accolades were often mixed in with underhanded but subtly devaluing comments at my expense.
Needless to say, in the past, he was always able to hide his emotions from me, but because of the change in his speaking patterns because of the stroke, I could now hear his emotions come through his voice. There was always a stammer when he was frustrated and a shakiness when he was angry. I only saw him cry once when it appeared that he became overwhelmed with the stress it all. Although he never mentioned it to me, I believe he might have experienced shame for having a condition that created a need for him to ask for help. It took a lot for him to ask me to help him at times, but I never made a big deal of it. He never wanted me assisting him when he fell, but there were a few times when he had no choice but to accept my help.
Because of the changes in Mr. Charm’s life because of his stroke and our reconnection, we were seemingly becoming ever closer again as friends, but little did I know that I was in for a rude awakening. A narcissist is truly friends with no one. A narcissist uses friendship as a ruse for narcissistic supply and other gains. Yes … I was in for a rude awakening.
Stay tuned for more in the next post.
My Voice Unchained 