Silent Rage Unchecked
Even with a new friend, Mr. Charm was still a very angry man. This anger seemed to stretch beyond the condition of his stroke. It was an anger that was simmering within him waiting to explode. It was anger unchecked that had overtime become silent rage.
I often attempted to bring up conversations with Mr. Charm as to whether anything else in his life was bothering him. I was persistent even though I tiptoed around bringing things to his attention. I was concerned. Perhaps I was too concerned, but his anger seemed almost volatile. I later discovered that he even lost his cool with others.
During a brief hiatus away from him because he was entertaining his new friend and narcississtic supply, Mr. Charm had come into the discovery of information about his past. This discovery explained a lot of his character traits, and what I suspected about him was confirmed. He shared with me that he had been adopted into a large family after spending a few years in the foster care system. He had endured much abuse and neglect throughout his time in foster care and in his adoptive family as well.
The effects of the abuse and neglect that Mr. Charm endured would explain the possible reasons for his attachment to the family he had taken upon as his surrogate family. It would also explain why his church family was so important to him too. Having a place to belong was extremely important to him, and I could certainly identify with this because of my own experiences.
Road To Discovery
It was difficult for Mr. Charm to deal with all of the abandonment he had experienced within his life. Each time he told me the stories of abuse and neglect that he experienced as a child, I could automatically envision him as a young child suffering alone. Because I could relate on so many levels to his experiences, it was easier for me to accept the parts of him that were often difficult to take.
When I say difficult to take, I mean those aspects of his personality that made him a stoic and often cold man…and even sometimes downright hateful. I knew that this persona was just a cover for the rejection that he had experienced in life, and I discerned that he hated having to experience rejection with anyone again. I had experienced rejection throughout my life as well. So I empathized with him in so many ways; however, my empathy never seemed to matter to him, and neither did my being there for him. Nothing I did was ever enough.
Nevertheless, he had been seeking to discover his biological origins and was sent a file of information regarding his birth records, foster care information, and adoption information. Because he did not care to discuss the details with me, he allowed me to read through the files. I thought it was weird that he expressed excitement about my reading what turned out to be dark information. I was even in more disbelief by his reaction when I discovered the end result of his findings which was not necessarily cheerful information, but I reasoned that he was excited that he had finally come to a very meaningful chapter within his life. He had found his biological mother.
The only thing I can say is that Mr. Charm is indeed a narcissist, and I had not only the information I studied about narcissistic personality disorder to confirm this, but I also had the information about his birth mother that confirmed it. His birth mother had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. The case files about her detailed all nine of the traits as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Mr. Charm’s mother was literally described as a narcissist, and the case files included a number of examples as proof.
Rejection Fans The Flames Of Rage
When Mr. Charm attempted to make contact with his biological mother, she declined any contact with him. She wanted nothing to do with him at birth and nothing to do with him then as an adult. Although he did not show his emotions about this occurrence, I could feel deeply that he was beyond devastated. For him, it was rejection personified all over again. Yet, he played it off with a demeanor that showed he may have felt the opposite.
I do not even know how to explain how I could feel his devastation without an overt reaction from him, but I have had many moments with different narcissists in my life where I could literally feel their internal sadness and anguish that they refused to allow to rise to the surface. In those moments I would just sit with them and be present them. I would never say anything. I would just wait with them in the silence.
Those were also moments that those narcissists were very well aware that I “knew” them deeply for who they were but still remained by their side. I did not run. I did not reject them. I did not judge them. I understood. I could relate. Those were also the moments that I could see the humanity within them if only for a few frozen moments (if people can believe that is possible of any narcissist), but for whatever reason, they stopped cold from accepting the empathy and love I had to give.
I do not know if that is the pride within those narcissists or the fact that they were/are caged within their own anguish and simply do not know how to accept the love they are being given. I also do not know if they simply refuse to accept the love they are given because they are stuck within their own anguish. I do not know. I have always been fascinated by this dynamic. I figure it would be a lot for narcissists to admit – that they both desire and need something they refuse to accept. Instead, they choose to be empty and void of the very good things that they desire.
Nevertheless, those unique but special moments were few and far between, but once I experienced those times with narcissists, I was bound to never really get those moments of vulnerability and soul bearing with them again because they would not ever allow it. I had been allowed to enter and sit with them within their inner chambers of pain, but once they realized that my reaction to the pain was not the same as theirs, they never allowed me to enter into that time of solace with them again. But I always knew, and they always knew that I knew. I saw them. I saw “them”. I knew them, and they knew I knew them … and I knew Mr. Charm, and his anger-turned-into-rage intensified against me.
Find out what happens in the next post. Stay tuned …
My Voice Unchained 