And Then I Knew
The details about Mr. Charm’s biological father were almost nonexistent, but it was discovered that he had died at some point from heart issues. It turns out that Mr. Charm was the product of an adulterous affair between his biological parents. After discovering that she was pregnant, Mr. Charm’s biological mother decided to place Mr. Charm for adoption. Despite the fact that her husband was willing to accept her and the child, her mind was made up, and she never looked back.
According to the case notes I read, the biological mother never even looked at Mr. Charm as an infant or held him. Instead, she was more concerned about her physical appearance. The case worker who wrote up the notes on the situation was matter of fact in detail and did not seem to side with the mother’s decisions at all. In fact, the case notes described Mr. Charm’s biological mother as narcissistic, selfish, materialistic, and robotically uncaring and unfeeling.
Based on the fact that Mr. Charm did not want to discuss any of the details with me, I sensed that he had not wanted to read the documentation himself. He had actually reached out and called his biological mother with the information he was given, but she had refused to speak to him. Instead, he spoke with a biological sibling who promised to keep in touch with him. To date, I do not know if any further connections were made because Mr. Charm never discussed the issue with me again.
Yet, it was then that I knew. Mr. Charm obviously had no idea that he had revealed to me the confirmation I desired regarding his own issues. He was the product of a narcissist mother. The apple did not fall from the tree. I now knew the reasons for a lot of things that I could never put my finger on. The case documentation was so detailed in describing his mother’s biological traits that I thought I was reading information about my own mother. Mr. Charm and I had a lot in common, but that part of our lives would actually never be a topic of discussion.
Common Ground Fans The Flames Of Anger
In fact, Mr. Charm knew nothing about my mother. He had never even asked me about her. Had he, I might have been able to share with him about the common shared ground between us. Yet, sharing this fact probably would have never have never had the affect on him that I wanted it to have. The common ground between us stopped right at the ground. Otherwise, we were completely opposite in extremes.
We were both individually the children of narcissist mothers despite the fact that he was raised by adoptive parents who sounded as abusive and neglectful to him as my family had been to me. We had both suffered forms of rejection and other forms of trauma. We both had varying narcissistic traits even. The only difference between the two of us is the way that we dealt with our varying levels of rejection and trauma. We shared ground, but we did not share the way we responded to rejection and trauma on shared ground.
Although we both had deep-rooted insecurities and fears, we handled them differently. It was obvious that we both internalized our pain, but our outlets for expression of that pain was incredibly different. Both of us were obviously transformed by trauma, but our transformations took on rather different pathways to responses. One of the main differences between the two of us is that Mr. Charm lacks empathy, and I often feel that I have too much empathy. Yet, those differences do not just stop there.
The Narcissist And The Empath
There were a lot of things about my personality as an empath that Mr. Charm hated but did not mind in the least taking advantage of when it came to having his way. He realized that I was a very discerning person and tuned into the emotions of others. He knew that I did not just discern the emotions of others, he also knew that I could sometimes pick up on a person’s thoughts as if I could literally hear them.
Unfortunately for me, I was so deeply attuned and sensitive to the feelings and thoughts of others that I was constantly placing myself in situations to help others even without being asked for help. I was so overflowing with compassion for others that I did not consider prioritizing myself. I was always there for others, and blindly to my own detriment.
In like manner, I equally hated how controlling and manipulative Mr. Charm could be about things. In many ways, he reminded me of parents. It was as if he believed that I could not think and do for myself without his assistance. He was always correcting me and shedding light of things that he believed that I had no knowledge. He could never accept my explanation of anything without fact-checking me with others.
Never mind the fact that I had three degrees and counting at the time along with a professional career. None of that mattered to him unless he could find a way to exploit me. It was great when my degrees and career boosted his status in some way, but he would still find sarcastic ways to devalue me because of them. He was never short of putdowns and cruel commentary even at the expense of my feelings in front of others, but he would react as if his feelings were deeply hurt if I retorted back to defend myself.
Opposites Attract?
On the surface, it would appear that we attracted as opposites. I developed an affinity for his funny personality, and he developed what I thought was an affinity for my adventurous nature. Yet, surface attraction is beyond the narcissist and empath. There is always something much deeper at work that draws a narcissist and an empath together.
In the case of Mr. Charm and I, it would have to be our experiences with various types of childhood trauma. We both had walked through the darkness of hell on earth and survived even though our methods of maintaining survival were different. I can only envision what his life was like based on what he told me, and he told me a lot. He told me so much that I could piece what I envisioned together like a puzzle to figure out the pathway he had taken on his journey to adulthood.
The journey that I had taken was not important to him. In fact, nothing about my life was of importance. He never asked me about my life. He knew nothing. He did not listen intently enough to me to find out or even act as if he cared to do so. As an empath, I thrived on listening to his every word about his life, his day, and his feelings. This is how I learned about him. As a narcissist, he thrived on listening to me to for the sake of having a way to control, manipulate, and denigrate me. He surely did not listen to me for my concern.
I often felt that I was more aware of his feelings and what was going on with him than he was ever aware of me. I reasoned that because of his stroke, it made sense that I always visit with him. Yet, once he became more adept at doing things on his on without any assistance, visiting with me was never a thought of his until he realized that it would be to his benefit. I was more of an afterthought while he was a main thought.
I cared too much, and I poured much of my energy into him. By the time I returned home after visits with him, I was too tired to do any of the things that I needed to take care of for myself. Most of the time, I went home to analyze my visits with him. My journals are filled with my questions about our interactions that often began pleasant but always ended on a wry note. It was exasperating, but it was the only way I could wind down after my visits with him.
While I felt that I was being selfless at the time and more than happy to help a friend, he was more than willing to suck every last drop of my energy as if his thirst depended on being quenched. Looking back, I see my own faults in not setting boundaries for myself. I poured until I had nothing left to pour. My cup was empty. Mr. Charm did not provide refills. He had nothing to give me. He lacked empathy. He had no compassion. His only expression of emotion seemed to be anger boiling into intense rage. He simply got by on mirroring what he saw me do.
The Differences Were Obvious
There were so many differences between us in how we navigated through our lives past our pain, but I have no space for them all here. Stay tuned for the next post that provides more details and more toxic situations. My time with Mr. Charm would only become worse.
Stay tuned …
My Voice Unchained 