Chaos And Disorder
From the point of Mr. Charm discovering his biological roots and then onward navigating his life with the effects of a stroke, our so-called friendship began disintegrating quickly downhill. It was clear that I was remaining in the devaluation and discard phases within Mr. Charms cycle of narcissistic abuse. There were rarely any times of love bombing. Yet, I tried all too hard to be a friend to Mr. Charm while getting nowhere.
All of my compassion and empathy showered upon Mr. Charm were not doing him any good. My absorption of his emotions and energy were only draining me further and making it more difficult for me to want to even remain in his presence. Anything that I seemed to do to assist him only seemed to trigger him into becoming angrier by the moment. He was against me on so many fronts that I found myself continuously walking on eggshells with him.
He became increasingly critical of me to the point that I questioned what was wrong with me. Besides other narcissists in my life that I was dealing with at the time, Mr. Charm and his narcissistic behaviors were frequently the main topics of discussion during my therapy sessions. I felt that I was getting nowhere quickly except descending further down into a grisly hole of depression. The milligrams on my antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications were actually increased during that time so that I could cope.
I was often exhausted and felt anxiety-ridden with a host of concerns, but none of those concerns prioritized my own needs. If I wanted to take a break from visits with Mr. Charm on my terms, he would complain and use guilt tripping to bring me back into his lair. There came a point when it felt like my life was all about him even when I did not want it to be. I was miserable even though I desperately wanted to help him. I found that with him in my life, there was a growing degree of chaos and disorder.
Chaos
I could only reason that rejection by Mr. Charm’s biological mother the second time around had spun his life into a tailspin. I no longer viewed his stroke as a culprit to his ever-changing and out-of-control emotions. In fact, he had recovered from his stroke amazingly well. He was almost back to his old self again in terms of the physical activities that he was able to accomplish. I was no longer able to view the stroke as an excuse for his worsening narcissistic behavior.
From the accounts of his birth records, he was the son of an actual diagnosed narcissist. The information I read about his biological mother only confirmed what I knew to be true about him. Mr. Charm is a narcissist. Nothing could or would change that fact. I could not love him enough. I could not empathize with his pain enough. I could not extend enough compassion for the rejection he felt. In essence, there was absolutely nothing I could do in my power to heal him. I could not even pray his healing into existence, and I actually wondered why God was not listening to me.
Although I had no knowledge that Mr. Charm had ever been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder himself, the nine character traits of this disorder were quite clearly a part of his makeup and personality. My own studies in graduate school confirmed this, and even if I were not in graduate school for mental health at the time, I had enough of my own experiences with narcissists to recognize the traits of narcissistic personality disorder first hand. After all, my mother is a narcissist too. My father exhibited many of the traits. I, myself, had exhibited some of these traits when I was my most unhealed self. So, I knew them well.
After a time, chaos became the norm when I was around Mr. Charm. His behavior was so unpredictable at times that I literally felt like I needed a neck brace to abstain from having whiplash. I would jerk my neck so hard at the sight of his changing behavior. He reacted so random at times. I wondered if he were actually playing mind games for the fun of it. He was literally a loose cannon, and I never knew at any given moment when I might be hit with his impulsive and rash behavior.
Disorder
In a way, chaos and disorder are words that have similar meanings. Both words have to do with disorganization and states of confusion. In the situation with Mr. Charm, there was always disorder – states of disorganization and states of confusion. He was not always this way. In fact, pre-stroke, Mr. Charm did not visibly show any signs that he could be chaotic or disordered on the surface. He kept it all contained, but post-stroke, his secrets came out. I could see what was really going on with him.
Dealing with depression, I often found myself dealing with states of disorganization and confusion. So, I understood. In terms of Mr. Charm dealing with the effects of a stroke, I always tried to honor him with my patience. However, there were oftentimes when Mr. Charm’s behavior had reached points that seemed to be past the effects of a stroke. The stroke certainly presented a host of challenges and changes for Mr. Charm for sure. Yet, I found that he had become more chaotic and more disordered within his personality.
Yet, I was always understanding even when I did not comprehend what was going on. I knew that he had experienced many changes post-stroke. For instance, he was no longer able to handle life as he once had before. He was no longer as mobile as he had been before. Yet, over time, he did increase in his mobility and much of the functional use of his body was restored with the exception of his left arm and hand. It should also be stressed that many of the challenges and changes involved his mental state as well.
I had also taken note of the fact that Mr. Charm was no longer keeping up with organization and cleanliness around his home. He, himself, was always clean, fresh, and tidy. Yet, the disorder in his home was apparent. His home was not necessarily dirty, but it was in extreme disarray. Dust did collect, and I noticed that he seemed to hoard different things. There were stacks of different items here and there. It seemed almost overnight that his home became filled with so much “stuff” that it became hard to find areas to actually fill.
I often wondered if he were battling depression since one of the hallmarks of depression can appear in the visible presentation of one’s home. In fact, the physical state of one’s home can often reflection of one’s mental state. Often times, the home of a depressed person is one of chaos and disorder. There is accumulation everywhere which might include, but not be limited to, mounds of stuff everywhere such as clothing strewn about, dirty dishes overflowing in the sink, papers piled in different places, opened and unopened mail thrown about, and/or trash in different areas of the home in collected piles.
Each time I would make mild mentions of depression or suggest having someone to talk to, Mr. Charm would pop a gasket. He was great at angrily deflecting away from a serious topic of discussion. He often made disparaging remarks about my battles with depression. “I’m not you,” he would say. “I don’t need that kind of help. I just had a stroke. I will get better, but you won’t.” He would also say, “I don’t need crazy meds like you do.” He would especially become angry when my therapy sessions interfered with the times he wanted me to visit with him too. Those are the times that I especially had to deal with disparaging remarks. “Have fun at your not-gonna-ever-solve-your-problems-therapy-session!”
Needless to say, I took note of how Mr. Charm’s life and mental state became increasingly chaotic and filled with disorder. I tried my best to help him. When he went out of town for a week, I even cleaned and organized his home at his request. Although he reacted towards me as if he were annoyed by the movement of his items , he later thanked me for making his life that much easier. We even had times together in which we would clean and organize around his home. Nonetheless, my kindness was still my greatest weakness in his eyes, and he soon trampled upon my extension of kindness and crushed it with his bruised ego of hatred.
There was surely more to come, and I had not even experienced the worst of it yet.
Stay tuned for the showdowns that caused us to split … and then later led me to eventually end things for good.
U
We tend to replay scenarios in our adult romantic relationships based on our childhood attachment style and experiences with our caregivers and parents. Empaths tend to desire validation and love from a narcissist, potentially due to their childhood experience of not having their emotional needs met by a caregiver or parent. Likely an empath had a narcissistic parent, or experienced some kind of emotional neglect in which they learned that love is conditional. This has set them up for heartbreak in their adulthood.
My Voice Unchained 