The Issue
In the previous post I shared that I had assisted Mr. Charm in drafting a letter to his church leader’s son. Mr. Charm felt that the leader’s son was disrespectful towards him. The leader’s son had publicly reprimanded him in front of other church members. This had angered Mr. Charm, and he wanted to do something about it.
Because Mr. Charm feared the implications of a confrontation, he decided to write a letter. The suggestion of this letter was mine. We both thought that the letter could ease Mr. Charm into a nonthreatening discussion with the leader’s son while still addressing the issue. According to Mr. Charm, however, the end result of the letter to confront the negative behavior was not good.
The Result
Immediately after a bible study service, the leader’s son, the leader of the church, and a few other key members in leadership met with Mr. Charm to talk about the letter’s contents. Instead of addressing Mr. Charm’s concerns, they, instead, chastised him. According to the main church leader and pastor of the church, Mr. Charm was not spiritually attuned enough to know what was good for him. It was the job of the leaders to direct him in the right way to go.
Both Mr. Charm and I knew that their chastisement of him regarding the letter was wrong. For one, I reasoned with Mr. Charm that he was an adult very capable of understanding scriptural truths without their guidance. He was supposed to have the Holy Spirit as a guide. Yet, in this situation, it was clear to me that Mr. Charm was faltering in his explanations to the leaders on that aspect of the truth. He said that the leaders silenced him – never really allowing him a chance to speak unless he answered their questions.
Mr. Charm was very upset by the end results of that his letter yielded for him. He focused on the attitudes and behaviors of the leadership and how they talked down to him as if he were a child. It was clear that he was angry, and I felt anger on his behalf. I was very familiar with the tactics that the leaders used against Mr. Charm in their attempts to silence and control him. I had experienced the same type of spiritual abuse at their hands several years prior.
However, unlike Mr. Charm, I fought against their control over me because scripturally, I knew they were wrong. In their attempts to silence me, I found ways to fight back, but I also had support among others who were there with me. Mr. Charm did not have this support. Long after I left that church with a host of other members, the leadership grew tighter with their reins of deception against the remaining members. It was apparently easier for newer members to be reeled into the madness and taken by all the lies.
Sadly, this church had become much worse as it pertains to spiritual abuse than when I had attended years prior. This church had steadily progressed into what appeared to be a full-blown cult. I was appalled at how much control – masked as concern – the leaders had over the members. It had come down to the point that the leaders were choosing who the single men and women of the church should marry. Anyone who objected to the teachings were either deemed troublemakers or mentally unstable.
I was somewhat baffled by the fact that Mr. Charm, a narcissist with a lot of bravado, would allow himself to succumb to spiritual abuse, but I also knew that spiritual abuse can be perpetrated upon anyone – particularly those who have experienced forms of trauma. Also, spiritual abuse happens under the guise of master deception. There was a lot of deception in that church. I had seen it for myself.
The leaders had, over time, mastered the art of deception by coercing, manipulating, gaslighting, and humiliating members into submission. If members were not studying the Bible for themselves, then they were open prey. Yet, even if some members did study the Bible for themselves, any discrepancies that were brought to the leaders’ attention would be quickly dismissed as misinterpretations. The leaders had the attitude that they had the final say on what was scripturally interpreted as right or wrong.
The Reason
Mr. Charm, sought to fulfill a need even if subconsciously. That need was filled in many ways by this church because the the main leader was a female. This leader was very charismatic. She was also appeared very nurturing. In fact, she appealed to so many people in that congregation on so many levels. In return for her charisma, she was upheld and placed on a pedestal. Her spoken words were often considered more powerful than the actual scriptures. Going against her for any reason meant being reprimanded by her, banished by her family, and shunned by the church members in the most public and sinister of ways.
I do not believe that Mr. Charm had really thought about the recourse his life would take by choosing to stand against the leader’s son. I do not believe he had considered at all that standing against the son meant standing against the leader and the rest of the congregation. The leader’s smirk of intimidation was enough to give one pause. I remember it well. Very few had been successful in standing against her and her gaslighting ways. Those who had been could no longer remain within her shadows.
The Warning
Although I gave Mr. Charm fair warning of what to expect by standing up for himself and speaking out, he did not want to hear me. He basically batted his eyes and turned his cheeks away from me as if to treat me with disdain. He touted that he was a man’s man and would handle the leader’s son like a man. Instead, this man’s man came quickly whimpering back like a wounded animal. Essentially, the letter we had drafted was handed back to him as if to be a tattered rag.
The leadership of the church paid Mr. Charm’s letter with dust. They gave no mind or regard to his thoughts or feelings. They would not hear him. They did not hold the leader’s son accountable for his actions. In fact, nothing about the leader’s actions were viewed as wrong. Instead of reaching a resolution with the leader’s son, Mr. Charm left that meeting broken with disgust. He had a meltdown and fell into what I perceived to be his own valley of decision.
Mr. Charm had a decision to make about whether to remain at this church, and it was then that I discovered the reason why he was no longer on speaking terms with his surrogate family. They had also cast a disparaging eye his way the more he had told them about the church. Specifically, they had been concerned with his financial decisions after he first experienced his stroke. He had made the leadership family powers of attorney over his affairs. He had also given them many of his possessions to take over as well.
In my mind, all I could think was how foolish and blind this smart man, Mr. Charm, was to do such a thing. Yet, I also reasoned that he was in a health crisis at the time and may have believed that he had nowhere else to turn even though he had a surrogate family that loved him like he was a second “son”. However, I also reasoned that he was envious of the main son within in the surrogate family and may not have wanted them to know his personal business. Perhaps, he felt it was safer to trust the church family. I do not know.
Nevertheless, it was all too bad for Mr. Charm, but I did not have to tell him. The experience with the leader’s son had shown him what he needed to know. Now, he was at a crossroad, and instead of taking responsibility for his part, he blamed me! He blamed me for the idea of the letter despite my cautions and biblical directions to him. He blamed me even though he thought the letter was an excellent idea. He blamed me. It was all my fault that he was now on the bad side of his leader and the leader’s family. He even had the nerve to say that it was probably what I really wanted to happen in the first place.
Did I? Find out in the next post.
My Voice Unchained 