In The Aftermath Of A Hoovering Narcissist
After the interesting run-in with the The Professional Gaslighting Narcissist (PGN), I gained enough insight into her current state of mind to know that she is never going to change. She could change, but I am not hopeful. I am also not waiting. I have chosen to keep the door closed on this so-called friendship. I have reached a point in my life that I am more about being realistic as opposed to being hopeful for someone else to change. Instead, I will change.
I would rather work on the hopes of my own change rather than sit around to pray and hope that someone else changes. I have been down that road enough to see that there are usually no long-term results on my behalf when it comes to waiting for narcissists to change. Besides, the PGN has to want to change for herself. She needs to see the need for change as well. She cannot and should not change for me. I do not want her to. Her change or lack thereof is not my business.
I do not want the PGN in my life. Once upon a time, I considered it to be a loss not to have her friendship, but now I say “good riddance”! It would be more trouble to remain in friendship with her when all that the friendship will ever yield is her toxic behavior and my frustration over it. Besides, I have come to the truthful terms that we were never really friends anyway. I cannot be friends with someone who is always in competition with me and secretly hating me for whatever reason.
In the aftermath of an unexpected hoover by the PGN, I took note of all the behavior that I would have frequently passed over in the past because I wanted to give her the benefit of doubt and because I often second-guessed myself when I was around her. This time around, however, I listened to my inner voice as my mind and that inner deep place of intuition provided me with insight. My mind had a lot to say about the PGN’s behavior which was nothing short of her usual narcissistic schemes and tactics.
All while we indulged in our chitchat about our only common shared ground [that being work], I took note of the number of times the PGN used narcissistic tactics against me throughout the conversation. First she attempted to gain information from regarding my personal status in lieu of her belief that I no longer had a phone. Did it not occur to her that I might have shut my phone off to block her and everyone else from the workplace? Why could she not just get to the point of what she really wanted to know?
I always hated dancing around her invasive questions in the past, and this situation was no different. She asked several questions – one question on top of the other – while couching those questions within the context of missing me and being concerned about what was happening at the moment in my life. I heard her loud and clear, but I chose not to answer her. I chose not to stoop to her level in a way and play dumb. I chose grey rock for my own sanity and protection. The little she knew about me the better, but I was not absent-minded on the fact that she was on the lookout as a spy.
Perhaps my lack of responses to evade her questions was my own game against her, but frankly, I was doing my best to grey-rock her while trying to discern the methods of her madness. Surprisingly, I learned quite a lot in a short time, and enough to reveal to me that she had not changed at all in terms of her narcissistic games. As I listened to her, I scanned her over carefully but quickly by watching her facial expressions, looking into her eyes, and decoding her mannerisms. In fact, my mind would allow nothing to escape me as it pointed out my deep thoughts about the entire situation.
I recognized that the PGN did not waste any time devaluing me in ever so subtle ways. We had not seen each other in nine months, but she was still taking jabs at me. She gave me a hoover with the illusion of love bombs filled with devaluing comments encased within subtleties. Had I not been wise enough to decipher that she was actually jabbing me with her harsh sentiments, I may have bought into what appeared like her outward display of kindness towards me.
The PGN did all the right things in front of me as she sat protected inside of her car. Yet, I took note of how she actually controlled her facial expressions and tone with me. It was as if she were attempting to hide behind a stillness that would not allow her emotion of unbridled rage to show, but her rage was there. Her rage sat quietly behind the wrinkles set around her eyes that appeared to show a bit of sadness and fatigue. I also took note of the fact that two different people contacted her via her phone during our conversation.
The PGN was contacted by two people I actually knew. She mentioned both their names. One called her, and the other texted her. Not once did she mentioned to them that I was present though, and I thought this was strange. In the past, she would always be quick to mention to the other two people that she was talking with me. Not doing so was my first indication that something was off. I gathered that she did not want me as much in her life as I did not want her in mine either.
Internally I knew that the PGN only wanted to hoover me back into her life. She wanted to hoover me back for the purpose of wielding out to me her revenge for causing her narcissistic injury. She also wanted to hoover me so that she could give me a proper discard. Nine months ago, I sensed she planned to discard me but I went no-contact before she had a chance to do so. It was now evident during this hoovering moment that she wanted to regain some control. Despite my noticing this, I continued to listen to her talk while mind took me back down memory lane.
My Notes From Our Conversation
Despite the work environment of my previous place of employment having become progressively worse, according to the PGN, the place was great. I immediately paid attention to her contradictions, but I did not question her on them. Any questioning on my part would have tripped her up and given away to her that I might not have completely bought into her story about it all. I found it interesting that she focused on talking about former colleagues who had given me problems in the past.
The PGN frequently mentioned those that were a part of her circle of flying monkeys. Although I know I am dealing with a person who has a personality disorder, there is always a spiritual component to the madness of it all. In fact, I always gathered the sense that there is a monitoring spirit that comes along with this personality disorder because a narcissist seems to always know what their target is doing most of the time. This frequently happens because flying monkeys will always report back to them what they find out about the target.
Specifically, the things the PGN already knew about my life gave me all the indication I needed to know that her flying monkeys with whom I had run into in months past had kept her up-to-date with what they knew about me. In fact, those colleagues that I have run into since going no-contact from the PGN are the same ones she mentioned to me in conversation. She knew they had seen me. They had all had conversations about me together. I was no longer around them but somehow still a topic of conversation in their lives.
Two particular people the PGN mentioned from work were those who frequently did not have a problem badmouthing me to others when I was not in their presence – both having strong narcissistic traits. {Those are people I have yet to run into, but my delivery job has taken me into their neighborhoods.} In conversation, I took note of how the PGN watched my facial expression as she mentioned these two people. I was quite aware of her tactics. My mind pressed me continuously, “Grey rock your emotions! You see what she’s doing her!”
I held my face without expression and just listened to the PGN speak. I tried to give her as little reaction as possible while throwing in a couple of “yeahs” and “mmhmms” to show my interest in her topic of choice. It was the same old stuff with her. No change. It was the same tactics she used to cause me to question myself … my value … my worth … my sanity. The people she mentioned were not good people in my eyes based on their two-faced behaviors and the way they treated people for whom they had no use for in their agendas. Unfortunately, the PGN is the same way.
Find out what I learned in the next post.
My Voice Unchained 