Weighted

Weighted

Despite clearing my life of the narcissists and their flying monkeys that surrounded me, I am still weighted down with so much stuff. The stuff is not even their stuff. It is my stuff. I still have stuff weighing me down.

Depression

Currently, I am still struggling with bouts of depression, but if I am honest, there is never a time that I have not struggled even when medicated with antidepressants. When narcissists still held placement in my life, the depression I battled was very different. I also worked and kept myself busy so that it appeared that I was functioning, but depression has always been a very present part of my life.

No one knew of my struggles with depression except a few, and those few often used the state of my mental health against me. It was to the point that I often never shared my struggles with anyone else because I did not trust that I could do so, that I would be heard, and that my battles would not be used against me. So I lived with my struggles in silence. The only outward display of depression was the weight I felt that no one could see. Since I am a very private person, no one could see the weight that I carried with me. I was always a display of outward smiles. As narcissists do, I wore a mask to cover my inner sadness.

The weight more or less existed within my home. It was my home that masked the depression. Clothes, books, and papers strewn about were normal for days and weeks at a time. Then a burst of energy would spring forth within me, and if anyone visited me, no one was the wiser. I recall a former friend saying that everything in my home had a place – so neatly arranged, but that same former friend was shocked when she saw a different side – the mess.

That former friend wondered how such a mess of destruction could be caused by one person. It was the fascinating realization to her that I was not perfect … that I hid an inner struggle that no one knew about. It was the first time I saw her concern for me. No one knew of my internal secret … that I had the tendency to squalor within unkemptness.

No one had a clue that I battled with sleeping too much or even too little. No one knew that I journaled just to stay alive. Throughout my battles with the heaviness of depression, I was only vaguely aware that my life was being flipped upside down by narcissists. I could see it clearly, but I did not realize their impact upon me. Even worse, I did not realize the impact of my own actions by keeping them in my life. The more I clung to them because of my own internal battles, the worse my battles seem to become. I had not found the solution to end my sadness, and I was aware the solutions were not going to be found in any narcissists even though I foolishly believed that God had placed them in my life to help me.

It was only when I began to realize that keeping narcissists in my life was an enormous weight that made depression worse for me. So I had to let go of them. I had to go no contact. The more I began cutting them and their associates out of my life, the better I began to feel and the less I felt I struggled with depression. Despite the release of narcissists, however, depression still remains a weight. Even though the depression does not feel as heavy as before, it is still there as a weight. It still pervades my life experience.

Anxiety

Anxiety and depression go hand in hand. Often, people that struggle with one mental health issue also struggle with the other. So it is with me. Right now, for whatever reason, the anxiety I battle along with depression seems to be seeping from the roof. I sleep very little, and when I do sleep, the time I remain in a deep realm of sleep is very short. I am exhausted, but my mind does not seem to shut off. It goes on and on like a television switching from one channel to another.

Anti-anxiety medications were not helpful for me in the past. So I attempted to train my thoughts into submission and redirect my focus. I spent time engaging my mind. The most active my mind has been is figuring out the narcissists that have been in my life. Investigating their nuances and schemes has kept my mind active even if confused because of their crazymaking behaviors. Nevertheless, I have had to learn to stay steps ahead of them because of all the games they have played against me.

Now that I have freed myself for the most part, I must deal with me. I must deal with the reasons why narcissists have continued to recycle themselves back into my life. I do not even necessarily deal with the same narcissist over and over again. They are always different people, but the characteristics and effects of the personality disorder remain the same. Taking a breather has been a weight because now I have to deal with me. I have to look at me. As much reflection as I have done over the years regarding my own issues, I would think that I would be fine by now, but that is not the case. That is not the case at all.

I suppose it is true … that we continue to evolve even when it feels like we are not evolving at all. I suppose that I continue to evolve despite how I feel. I know that I continue to change, but now I want to remove this weight. I must remove the weight that keeps me down. I am currently in a different phase of life. I am no longer taking antidepressants and have not taken any for two years. It was the right decision at the time even though controversial. The depression I battle no longer feels the same. It feels like less of a weight, but it is a weight still. I do not know if I am making any sense. I just know I want to work through whatever this weight is that keeps me bound, constricted, and often sad.

Of course, this new phase in my life also comes with menopause. So, that may explain many of the changes I am going through as well, but that is an entirely different blog post. Ugh! Needless to say, I am weighted … so very weighted, and for the time being, narcissists are not the weight, but the affects and devastation they have left upon my life that in many ways I allowed can still be felt.