The Challenges of Going No-Contact
Going no-contact from narcissists has its challenges. Even though going no-contact brings peace from narcissistic drama, it is not necessarily a “clean” stress-free break of peace. I speak for myself though. Based on my own experiences as it relates to family and even former narcissist frenemies, going no-contact has presented me with anticipated as well as unexpected challenges. Most of those challenges relate to the issues with my mother in this post.
No Holidays For Me, But Can I Get A Hoover? (said no one ever)
Specifically, when any major holiday rolls around, and I have failed to reach out to my family [as is the norm because I have gone no-contact], there is always a time when I am hoovered by my narcissist mother. It never fails. It is very common that many narcissists never give up trying to hoover their targets back into the craziness of narcissistic abuse. Major holidays are the worst for me. My mother heavily hoovers me the week after Mother’s Day, her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.
Obviously, my mother expects to be honored on holidays, and when I have not reached out to her in any way, then I get a phone call. She has a different number every time she contacts me. How do I know that it is her? I just do. I check the area code, and I always research numbers for scammers. Any number my mother uses is always easy to identify because of the phone carrier service she uses and the unique area code from where she is calling.
Occasionally, my mother will leave a trail of long voicemails attached to those unknown numbers. In these voicemails, she will go through various switches in voice tone, inflection, and pitch. She often sounds like someone who has been either jilted or rejected or even someone who is ill or dying with very little breath left in her body. She is overly dramatic to say the least.
With no response from me, my mother seemingly grows tired of being the object of my scorn. So those nice voicemails soon become different in tone. It is then that I hear her fangs come out in further messages as she uses select words to rip me to shreds for not being a better daughter. It is amazing to me how she transforms herself through voicemails as if I am not going to notice, but narcissists do this. They transform themselves from the good-hearted angels the pretend themselves to be into demonic replicas of evil.
For every phone number my mother uses to contact me, I block. I am that adamant to keep no-contact with her. For years I feared blocking her because … what child blocks her own mother? Yet, after finally resolving within myself that my mother would never change because she is a narcissist, I gained the courage and fortitude I needed to stand my ground against her.
My first block against my mother was an exhilarating one for me … so much so that I wondered why I had not gained the courage to block her sooner. However, the sad repercussion of blocking her also meant that I was cutting myself off from other family members as well. This is often the price that targets pay to keep narcissists out their lives. Targets must also forgo relationships with others who are connected to narcissists.
Needless to say, in the beginning of going no-contact with my mother, I was often struck by guilt and sadness because it seemed that not speaking to her at all was cruel. Yet, every time I would let my guard down with her, I would then be faced with the truth of why I should remain no-contact in the first place. My mother has shown time and again that she will not change, and I have accepted this fact. It is pointless for me to believe otherwise. Opening myself up to her narcissistic abuse is simply not healthy for me, and it is not something I am willing to put up with either.
Do I Believe In Miracles?
Do I believe in miracles? Sure, but I am realistic. A narcissist changing would be a miracle, but every person has a free will. Every person is also entitled to exercising their free will. Yet, I know from experience that the free will of a narcissist is to actually NOT change, and that is pretty much the gist of it. In all the years that I have known my mother, she has remained unchanged to the core. She has only spoken “change” to get what she wants, and once she has what she wants, she goes back to being her true self. Change for her has been in words only – not actions.
So, I have had to stand my ground to keep my mother out of my life. The challenge in this has been the fear that she will simply get the nerve to one day just show up to my home wielding her entitlement of motherhood over me. I would not put it past her. I hold my breath every time a holiday rolls around, and that can be agony at times. Literally seeing any phone number during the days after any major holiday always fills me with anxiety and dread. I dread those times of narcissistic hoovering because the phone calls are always back to back and incessant.
Fortunately, I have programmed my phone to silence all unknown phone numbers not a part of my contact list. Unknown calls are automatically sent to voicemail. In fact, my phone does not even ring for unknown calls. So I never have to answer phones calls I intend to ignore. I also do not have a need to check voicemails since my voice box is always full. (During the first weeks of quarantine I learned that blocked numbers can still leave voicemail, but because the numbers are blocked, I would have to check my list of blocked numbers to listen to the messages.)
Oh The Challenges
Besides going no-contact with my mother, there also comes the challenge of severing ties with my siblings. I ultimately do not having relationships with my siblings or any of their children either. Although my siblings have made claims that they understand my stance against my mother and wish to go no-contact from her themselves, they do not publicly react as if they stand against her. Just like everyone else who does not understand my no-contact decision against my mother, my siblings have joined in on the ongoing smear campaign against me.
I know, however, that the smear campaign is designed to wear down my resolve so that I give in to having contact with my mother. The smears are intended to force me to comply with my mother’s demands and the demands of others who believe they know what is best for me. Fortunately, I can silence the noise of the smears because I have no direct contact with anyone who has the ability to bring the smears to my face.
Even if these people could bring the smears to my face, I have literally shown everyone that I know that I could care less about their opinions about my life and how I choose to deal with my mother. I cut myself off from social media so that I would never have to deal with the smears or the people that recycle them. I also choose not to ever respond to any messages I am sent by different people about my mother via social media. I have full inboxes of unanswered messages that will remain unanswered because anyone who sympathizes with a narcissist does not sympathize with me.
In the past, I would frequently get messages from “friends and associates” I have known for years who would use the tagline “your mother” to get my attention. After falling prey to a few of these messages, I learned over time to never open any more of them. I quickly caught on that these “concerned” people were simply instigating continuous drama and attempting to whip me into submission under the social media gazes of condemnation.
None of these people ever even asked me about my own personal welfare. I did not matter to them. My side of the story did not matter to them either. These people had already chosen my mother’s side and were ruthlessly a part of my mother’s schemes against me. I sadly came to the conclusion that a great majority of my so-called “friends” on social media were not real friends at all. They only wanted first class tickets to the drama they hoped would unfold if I shared my input on the drama with my mother. Instead, however, I chose to remain silent.
So now, I remain both absent and silent from the social media drama. Keeping silent has been my way of keeping people out of my business. I know that these people do not truly care to understand me anyway. Most of them are sympathizers of narcissists. So, any attempt to explain to them my side of the story would be a waste of time. But, it is certainly interesting how some of these people are automatically my enemies because of my mother.
Prior to my decision to cut myself off from social media, I was frequently ignored when I made comments under the posts of some of these people or sent them messages regarding various topics [that never had anything to do with my personal life]. Plus, none of these people would ever liked or commented under any of my posts unless they were copying someone else because of any recognition I might have received for some reason. Yet, these people are the ones who originally sent me requests for “friendships”.
Sometimes The Choice Is To Stand Alone
I made the choice to stand solely alone. If I am honest with myself, I have stood alone since I can remember. I have always felt out of place in my family of origin. I was born with an inner knowing that I was alone, and I was very aware as early as I can remember that I was simply not connected to my family in the way that seemed natural. In fact, when I was a child I always wondered if God just placed me with my family of origin because there was no where else to place me. [That is how much I felt that I did not fit in with my family.]
Needless to say, when there is a stretch of time where no prominent holidays exist, then all is well with my world of no-contact from a family of narcissists. I can breathe a sigh of relief and live my life without anxiety. Yet, there are segments of time throughout the year that I am reminded that even living in a different state does not necessarily separate me from narcissists – particularly family members. So I go through a cycle of attempting to navigate my life in “dodge mode”. I wish that it did not have to be this way, but this is the cost of breaking free from narcissists and their abuse.
My Voice Unchained 