A Different Perspective: The Therapist
Returning to therapy after a two-week wait was agonizing because I had spent the time mulling over within my mind the fact that the therapist had taken on new clients who she had ultimately allowed to take away my original appointment time slot in the process. These new clients ironically happened to be the very topic of my confidential conversations with the therapist. The new clients were The Identity Thief and her husband.
Although the husband was less of an issue for me personally, it was The Identity Thief – a malignant covert narcissist – who I knew had swindled her way into aspects of my life to gain control. The fact that she and her narcissistic behaviors were topics of therapeutic discussions with the therapist made what was occurring even more daunting to me. What on earth would possess a therapist to take on a new client that causes contention with an established client? It was not like I was in couples therapy with The Identity Thief because we were not a couple at all.[ I felt that we were barely even friends.]
I can understand that there are times when therapists see couples or individual family members separately for therapy, but this was definitely not a component of my so-called friendship with The Identity Thief. It was only during this time in my life that I had just begun graduate studies in mental health counseling. So I was not abreast on the fundamentals of how all of this was to be handled by therapists, but something about it all just did not feel right to me. Perhaps there is a fine boundary line when it comes to therapists counseling known friends, but I was not clear at the time on this information.
It would only happen during the course of my learning in grad school about certain therapy procedures would I question some of the therapist’s methods with me. There were so many gray areas that I questioned, and I wondered if I were actually passing off red flags. Maybe this was just a sticky situation that the therapist dealt with at the spur of the moment, but then again, there had to be a bit of planning in scheduling The Identity Thief for the appointment. The therapist basically had to have the receptionist reschedule me.
I had to wonder where the forethought was regarding all of this. I had to wonder if the therapist had even made a connection that she was actually scheduling a client on the same night as another client when one client had issues with the other. It just made no sense to me. There was just no easy answer to the therapist’s reasoning in all this. So I waited for my newly scheduled appointment with the therapist because I wanted to understand her point of view in all this. I needed it all to make sense. I needed to know that she was in my corner and not willfully setting me up for some great fall.
Two Weeks Later
Fast forward to my appointment time, and I was called a day before my appointment and told by the receptionist that the I could arrive an hour earlier. Since I was worried about encountering The Identity Thief again, I agreed to the time change. Even though this change was two hours ahead of my normal appointment time, I felt anxious to avoid another encounter with The Identity Thief.
I wondered again what had been the change and why I was being bumped around, but I did not question it. When I arrived to my appointment, the therapist was ready for me. This was certainly out of the ordinary because she was normally always running behind schedule. So I was surprised and somewhat caught off guard when she walked into the waiting room. I had planned to sit in the waiting room and rehearse just what I wanted to say to her. Fortunately, I would not have to do this or be anxious about it either.
The therapist cheerfully greeted me. Her behavior reminded me of the times when someone has wronged me and knows but displays an uncomfortable guilt towards me. It was almost as if she was nervous about what was possibly going to take place. I was not smiling, but I did greet her. I was ready to get to the point. I did not want to waste time, and I wanted to be out of her office prior to The Identity Thief showing up for her appointment.
When we entered her office, we did the usual formalities. She always asked that I bring her up to speed with the events of my life after my previous appointment. This time, I was annoyed by the question and took that opportunity to immediately open up about my grievances against her. I assumed that she had to have been aware of my grievances because she had created them.
Me: I am very confused and have been bothered about a lot of things since my last visit. I know that it is not my place to tell you who you can see as a client. You can counsel whomever you want. There’s nothing I can do about that. But I thought my care in your hands was far more valuable than it actually is because of your choice to schedule [The Identity Thief] for a therapy appointment on the same day as mine. Not only was she scheduled on the same day, but she was placed in my original time slot.
I waited for the therapist to speak, but she was silent. She was staring through me as if to think about the situation. Her eyes were in blinking mode. I continued talking.
Me: There did not seem to be enough decency to even let me know days before so that I could prepare myself. Your receptionist called me at the last minute when I had just arrived home from work with the expectation that I show up to the appointment an hour ahead leaving me no time at all to prepare. I had to make my mind up on the spot if I wanted to continue with my appointment that day. There I was thinking there was an emergency, but no, you put a person in my place who I talk to you about all the time and how she’s driving me crazy with her narcissistic behavior. You don’t even tell me until I walk out of the office when I’m already upset that she is in the waiting room as your next client. I felt like you set me up!
I could feel tears from inside of me heat up my cheeks, but I held the tears back from falling. Emotionally, I felt a tide of disappointment and anger roll over me.
Her: I do understand how you would feel that way, but I did not know that [the receptionist] would reschedule you at the last minute. She said that the clients really wanted that night. At the time, I had no idea who the clients were because they would be first-timers. So I guess [the receptionist] thought you wouldn’t mind the change. I didn’t think you would actually change. So when the change happened, I thought that you didn’t mind it either.
Why did I feel like the therapist was gaslighting me? Her response was not what I expected from her. I actually expected her to admit she was wrong and apologize. I did not a want to hear excuses.
Me: I thought there was some emergency. I thought you had to leave early since I am always the last client. If I had known [the receptionist] only wanted to make life easier for a narcissist that is driving me insane, I would have said no. But that’s not how your receptionist made it seem at all. She made it seem like there was an urgency. There was nothing mentioned about me being rescheduled in exchange for [The Identity Thief]. Even if your receptionist had told me so, she’s not obligated [by law] to tell me who the client is because that information is confidential. BUT you should have told me since you already know the issues.
The therapist took a moment to clear her throat. She looked at me. There seemed to be a look of realization that came across her face while I was talking. It was the look that told me she knew she had done wrong by her client [me]. Her facial expression was the look of sorrow, but that look was not enough for me in that moment. I waited to hear her speak.
Therapist: I am so sorry. This situation has bothered me since our last meeting. If I had realized that the scheduling coincided on the same day with the two of you together, I would have never allowed that change to happen.
Me: What? How could you not have known? Don’t you okay the final schedule of clients?
Therapist: Looking back, it just didn’t register to me. Since I have known [The Identity Thief] and her family for years, I never made the connection that she is the reason for your troubles. I did not think of her as the same person.
Me: Then obviously you’re too close to her to see objectively. Isn’t that a problem?
Therapist: I see objectively. That’s not the issue. I just made a mistake. Please forgive me. I only realized it when I looked at my appointment book and saw that [The Identity Thief and her husband] were next. I had totally forgotten and realized that I had made a mistake. I wasn’t quite sure how to tell you. I offered you an opportunity to go out the back door without being seen, but you made the choice to walk out through the waiting room.
Was she blaming me?
Me: What difference would it have made whether I flew through the rooftop? [The Identity Thief] knew I was here. My car was in the parking lot. If I had not walked out as normal, she would have known something was up.
Therapist: [chuckling] You really know how to bring humor into things, but I know that you were upset, and I’m sorry for that.
Me: I felt betrayed. I felt blindsided. I felt like I deserved more than a seconds notice to get myself together. I felt that I should have been honored in long-standing appointment.
Therapist: You know that we can’t always get what we want, but I understand why you were upset.
I paused. I looked at therapist and wondered if she was serious. There was a weird expression on her face – almost like a miniscule smirk but not enough to be a smirk. Yet, I felt I could hear the expression of a smirk if that makes sense. The peace I originally thought would occur after this meeting with the therapist waned quickly. I felt my confidence in her disappear.
Therapist: You didn’t have to change your appointment, and now it may be difficult to get that time slot back since [The Identity Thief] has requested that time. I really did not think about you in that regards, and I’m sorry. You can always reschedule for another night instead. Can’t you come on a different night?
Was she kidding? I could not believe it! I was dumbfounded. I had no words. When I first began therapy, we spent weeks trying to find a scheduling time that would work to enable me to balance out my work and school schedule. I worked a full-time and part-time job, and I was also enrolled in graduate school. When we finally found a time slot that worked well with my schedule, she promised me that she would not change it.
So much for having the therapist’s word. That had all been flushed down the drain in favor of a narcissist that I discussed with her. Had she not been on my side all along? How could I have changed an appointment when she allowed her receptionist to do so? I felt maligned in this situation. When the therapist made out my appointment for this particular appointment, she gave me the time. I did not choose it. I was in a state of shock and reeling from the knowledge that The Identity Thief was in the waiting room, but here I was in that present moment feeling blamed by the therapist for scheduling conflicts that she created from the start.
Revelations
From what I was learning in graduate school for mental health counseling, this therapist was crossing all sorts of grey areas ethically. I could not tell the therapist who she could counsel, but I did know that laws specifically pointed out that therapists should not counsel close friends and family members. Despite the therapist attempting to explain away that The Identity Thief was not a close friend, she mentioned her longstanding history with her family. That to me was a red flag, but I did not know the situation between them entirely.
To say I was shocked by the therapist’s indifference to my plight was an understatement. Although the therapist was not entitled to telling me about her personal life outside of the office, I felt that she did owe me an explanation regarding how she handled the situation with me and The Identity Thief. These were issues of ethics and trust for me, but the therapist blew it off as if I was making a big deal over it. She claimed to understand my concerns but seemed to want to brush past this issue.
The therapist assured me that I had nothing to worry about and that nothing I ever discussed with her about The Identity Thief would be revealed, but I was not reassured at all. The therapist’s nonchalance about the whole situation bothered me, and I simply could not get passed it. The damage had been done, and I closed down for the night keeping myself limited to conversation at a basic surface level of discussion with her. All the while, however, my mind was a spinning wheel wondering why I felt there had been a boundary violation against me.
Despite playing cool with the therapist, I felt an inferno of tears waiting to gush from my eye sockets. Her office was usually the place I could cry, but not this time. The betrayal I felt was overwhelming, and although she talked throughout the session with me, I did not take in any of her words. I simply watched the motion of her lips and nodded my head as if to be in agreement. I dissociated and fought to contain the hurt I felt arising from within me to the surface. I fought to remain cool, and as I did so, I silently counted the number of bricks that made up the wall behind her.
When the session came to an end, the therapist grabbed her appointment book. She talked about needing to update her calendar so that it would coincide with the calendar of the receptionist. I took that opportunity to let her know that I would call the receptionist to set an appointment. The therapist thought this was a good idea because she did not want to reschedule me unless her dates were in alignment. This was the perfect opportunity for me to make my exit. It was that session that had sealed our counseling fate for a while. I was taking a leave of absence from therapy – a leave that would last approximately three months.
Had the Identity Thief won?
My Voice Unchained 