From Where Does My Help Come From?
For the record, I believe that my help comes from God, and I believe He has led me through this journey every step of the way, but I have had to learn a lot of lessons and come to a lot of realizations in the process. Although I do believe God performs miracles, I have supposed that it has obviously been meant for me to learn to be more grateful simply walking through all of life’s obstacles that get in my way.
I can honestly find the humor in it all, and I sincerely do not want to come off as sarcastic or bitter about my life, but as it relates to my life, I think God obviously needed me to learn a lot disordered people – including myself. My journey has not been too terribly easy at all. In fact, it has been downright difficult at times, but I would not trade anything for the life lessons that I have under my belt right now. I have learned so much to the point that my discernment is sharp in a lot of areas regarding the specifics of the evil workings of narcissistic types. Yet, there are still areas where I fall as a target of prey.
For the most part, I believe that God grants us help via the resources here on Earth. We can choose to use these resources or not, but sometimes we do have to look for them if we truly want to find them. I think that simply because I chose to travel the route of the Christian way for most of my life, I hoped that life would be just a tad bit easier for me, but that has certainly not been the case. In fact, it has been downright difficult even though I can say it has not been the most horrible.
When I first began looking to find an antidote to my problems with narcissists, some spiritually minded people were not too keen on the idea of discussing anything that they believed dealt with the kingdom of darkness. Much of the time, church was painted to be a place of never-ending sunshine, happiness and rainbows. Yet, darkness always seeped through those cracks of light because just behind the scenes within the church were the very people I needed help against, but I was not aware of this in the beginning though.
I faced a lot of obstacles to getting the help that I needed even with my battles against depression and anxiety. I was always told to pray harder, to read my bible more, to stop sinning, or to take a microscope to all the things I needed to change and improve about myself. I was ultimately told the depression and anxiety were my fault … that depression turned inward was my own bitterness and hatred against myself and the gifts of God for me. Yet, no one bothered to understand that I had been battling intense depression since I was a child. I did not hate myself … at least I did not believe so. I just hated the way I felt, and I wanted relief.
Countless scriptures were used and cited [mainly out of context] to belabor the point that I was the source of my problems. “You shouldn’t worry but cast all your cares upon the Lord” or “Do not be anxious or worry about a thing” were common scriptural references I was referred to most of the time without anyone truly listening to my heart in the matters of my life. I subscribed to the guidance I was given, though, because I figured the problem was me. Plus, I had learned not to continuously question spiritual directives [as much as it pained me not to do so]. Yet, inwardly, I knew there was more to it than just what I was being told by others. I had some major problems, and although I was looking inwardly to solve them, there were no clear solutions.
What did I do? Find out what happened in the next post.
My Voice Unchained 